Social Husband

[Ysn]

Hey everyone!

Sorry in advance for a long post.

I have been married for 17 years. For the last 7-8 years my husband has become very social. He goes out twice a week for playing soccer with his buddies. On Sat, he is usually working and now for a few weeks I have noticed that he makes plans even on Sundays. He wasn't even home on Mother's Day!

We have 2 kids under 10 and It's not like he neglects them or me. We go out to eat or do an activity at least once a week. However, I still feel like upset, lonely and feel like he is never there.

I have friends of my own and am never discouraged from going out but somehow I never end up going out as either I am looking after the kids, doing house work or just the routine errands.

I work 5 days a week, come back, take kids for their activity, cook and make them do their homework. By 9 pm, I am exhausted.

I am not sure if my feelings are valid? I feel we only connect when he has the time to talk and ofcourse, when he wants action in the bedroom. I feel he resents my lack of activeness in that area, but I am just so tired emotionally and physically.
I constantly feel like something is missing. Like my life is getting wasted doing the usual trivial things while he is able to compartmentalise everything, including me.

Note: I have spoken multiple times with him as far as saying I miss him. However, he gets super defensive and we end up fighting as he feels he fulfills all his duties. His standard response is tell me what I don't do and when I can't respond he says see, u r just being unreasonable.

You need to carve out time for you. You should both be getting and taking the opportunity to go and do things other than work and family related stuff. Get some things booked in for you.

Make sure you are eating well, getting exercise and sleeping enough.

If he’s out that much he’s not doing his fair share domestically

If he’s out that much he’s not prioritising spending time with you

Both of these are valid reasons why you would be pissed off and absolutely not feeling like sex

So your DH takes 3 days out of the week to do something for himself.

Your DH takes you out as a family at least once a week.

You also work during the week but you look after your children and feed them, take them to activities and help them with their homework at least three times a week, when you're not out as a family and your DH is out.

Which leaves 3 days of the week that you presumably don't have to look after the children as you are out as a family, and presumably your DH is home 3 days a week.

I would make sure that you are prioritizing your health, getting enough rest, eating properly exercising.

And I would take those 3 days of the week where DH isn't out and you're not out as a family and I would either make sure I planned something for myself on those days or plan something for you and your DH to get out together as a couple, at least one of those three days, when presumably your DH is at home.

Somebody has to be home on those three days when you're not out all together and when DH isn't out.
It's only fair if he stays home while you go out, or you go out with him, or even stay in with him.
Something is missing in your life.
Unless you're content to do so, I would not stand on the sidelines and watch him go out and please himself and not have him do his share of child minding while you go out.
I'm sorry that he felt it more important to go out as usual on Mother's Day, well not making it up to you on another day of the week.
To some women that's very important and I'm sure that it didn't make you feel great.

you definitely need to take some time for yourself too. It does seem a lot how often he goes out, when he has a wife and young kids. I’m all for having some time for yourself when you’ve got young kids but it is a little excessive. Doesn’t sound like he thinks so though, and I guess you don’t plan much as you want to spend those remaining evenings with him. But you need to be selfish, and take at least one evening to do something for yourself

He goes out 3-4 times a week, 1 day he takes us out and the remaining days he is home. Aside from a little house work, he doesn't help with cooking or kids homework on the days he is home.
So even if he is home, my plate is full. And those are usually weekdays when all my friends are busy with their work too. Weekends is the time I can go but since he is not home, I have to stay back.

Is he with friends or a bit on the side?

Yes sorry @Ysn I didn't include the Saturday when you say he goes to work.
Well if I counted correctly this time, that leaves two days that he is home, which would leave you with two evenings, and he should be looking after his children in the same way that you do.
I think that you have a case here. He is quite unfair if he won't make his young children their tea, supervise their homework and put them to bed so that you can have a break for two evenings; that's quite unfair.
It seems that he felt he needed some time away from the house and took it but that leaves you with no choice if he won't pull his weight and take care of your children .
I would be having a word with him as to why he won't take care of his children so that you can have a couple of days to yourself if you choose to.
I mean come on. You say that you're not discouraged from going out, but if he won't take care of your children while you're gone, it sounds like a passive way of saying he's not interested in making it easy for you.
No wonder you feel exhausted and lonely.
I think you're feelings are valid OP.

Tell him exactly what he needs to do - eg. Take the kids to these specific activities each week, be responsible for all laundry plus these tasks every week; be responsible for these kids appointments plus homework etc. He needs to do more in the home and then reassess how much time he has.

Also, book two activities or nights off each week, even if one of them is just going for a walk etc.

Honestly, I dont think in real life. But I do know that he is part of a fb grp where men and women exchange nude pics. Again, we spoke about it but less than a month ago I found another such post from him.
I have given up on that frnt. Because I feel how much can I control?? I am saying things but change is only for a little time, then we are back to square one.

It sounds like he has basically checked out of your marriage and family life 🙁

”he fulfils all his duties” what a depressingly low bar

What do you get out of being with him?

I'm sorry but what the hell????

This isn't being sociable! He's basically in an online swingers community? Why do you stay with him?

Your feelings are totally valid.
The relationship needs to be more equal, go out it could be the gym, running, cinema.
Start remembering who you were before kids, start doing things for yourself. Regain that confidence you are allowed to have something outside of the home.

The years with young kids are hard and yes it does get better but you haveto work hard to keep all aspect of the relationship alive. He is escaping, avoiding and getting the easy bit. Going out for dinner, and box ticking a few other thing is not 50/50 it's Disney parenting without the divorce.

Calm, clear discussion on what is required in a 'partnership' and that doing the washing once dosent cut it.

Do you want to be in a relationship together? Do you still love him? Remember the early days when you couldn't wait to see each other?