I’m hoping to get some advice from people here on a relationship issue.
Last year I got close to a guy from work (we have very different jobs so never work directly together) and we became a couple in December. Just before we got together, he bought a house a 2 hours train ride away from London and so now commutes down to work 2 days a week - I live just outside of London.
Between December and now there have been 6 weeks where he hasn’t been around because of illness and, whilst we had a weekend away together and 2 x Sunday-Tuesday (i.e school night) stays in London, all our other dates have been after work, normally with him having to leave between 7-8pm to get his train home. He has never invited me to his house up there, and the one time I suggested it, he told me nobody had been invited yet as he wanted some time to enjoy it before having people there. He has always been good at WhatsApping and calling me but those conversations have only ever been very surface level stuff, no depth - and often him talking as opposed to asking much about me. Any time I’ve tried to prove, he shut down or changed the subject. In March we had a big argument - he asked me to send him an intimate picture and I refused - he said it showed I didn’t trust him and whilst there was some truth in that, it’s more that that’s just not me but we got over it and seemed to get closer. He was the first to say that he loved me, and continued to tell me many times.
A month ago I needed to have surgery on my foot - we had a great night out the week before (although the usual story of him needing to leave for the train) - and then he came to visit me, at my parents house, the day after. Twice he said he would come visit me again as he missed me, but that never happened - I let it go as I know he’s busy. 2 weeks ago he was calling every day and it felt like he was starting opening up - telling me how he finds it difficult to let people in and that’s why he generally keeps himself to himself (he never mentions any friends and I don’t believe there is someone else) then he asked me again for an intimate picture and, when I said no again, he started going quiet - I was the only one instigating messages, his responses were as if he could barely be bothered and my phone calls went unanswered- so last Saturday I told him I felt some distance and asked where his head was at. He said he wasn’t sure and he didn’t know how he felt about us. I told him I didn’t know how to help with that but that I was clear how I felt and cared about him a lot. He replied over 24hrs later telling me he was sorry for leaving me hanging, saying that I only mentioned caring when I used to say I loved him, and telling me he would take time to work out how he felt and if that was an issue for me, that we should go our separate ways and that it might be better in the long run - I didn’t know if that was his way of trying to gently end it but wanting me to actually say the words, but I got the sense it was.
I replied telling him how much I loved him and that I really wanted us to develop our relationship further, telling him I understood that getting close to people is scary but, for me, I loved him enough to want to try.
28hrs later I’d heard nothing - and generally I think if the natural immediate response to someone telling you that they love you isn’t “I love you too” then that says something - so I said i was stepping away but thanking him for the fun and memories. He replied saying he respected my decision - and then 2hrs later sent another message saying he hadn’t had time to absorb my the content of the message where I said i loved him, and that it had been more than just fun for him. I said that had been the case for me too - it was never just fun. He replied a little while later saying “just remember you broke up with me” and that he wished me well. I replied saying that he was right, I was stepping away- that it wasn’t an easy decision but I couldn’t wait in uncertainty. He hasn’t responded- it has now been 48 hrs.
In that time I’ve done a lot of reading and I believe he is what’s known as a dismissive avoidant- love bombs at the beginning but doesn’t do depth , then shuts down and retreats when things get too serious and there’s the potential for getting hurt - things learned in childhood.
With that in mind, I don’t know if I was expecting him to figure his head out too quickly - if giving 28hrs wasn’t enough - although the fact he didn’t even tell me if he loved me in that period hurt.
I don’t know if I’m ready to give up on this relationship- or whether that just comes from wanting to have someone rather than no-one. I know things have felt rocky for a while, that I felt I was always the one making the effort, and that his reticence to let me go to his house meant opportunities for time together are limited (I live with family so not ideal for bringing people home) - but the speed of response to my messages about ending it, and the fact that he came and met my parents makes me think that he does/did really care - I now really don’t know what to do so could use some advice. Should I
-
just let it go hoping he will realise what he has lost and try to reconcile (I will see him at work so not like we will never see each other again)
-
message him telling him I walked away to protect my heart and making it clear the door isn’t shut? Although I would be very clear that there are boundaries on what I need if there was to be any reconnection.
-
something else?
Any thoughts / advice really appreciated - I’m going round and round in my head trying to figure out what to do..