For Those Who Never Met Their Dad - Do You Ever Wonder...

[ProfessionalOverthinker1]

..... what if you met him ??

I never met my father. I’m in my 30s now, with a successful life, a loving husband, and a family who care deeply about me. I’ve never truly felt like something was missing but still, every now and then, I catch myself wondering… what if? What if I had met him?

The story I was told, though I’ll never know how much of it was fully true, was that my mum got pregnant in her 40s while in a relationship with him. He was younger than her, not sure by how much, but I don’t think it was anything extreme. He knew about the pregnancy. But a few months in, he gave her an ultimatum: either have an abortion, or lose him.

After I was born, life was hard. We had nowhere to go and ended up in a mother-and-child home run by nuns (not in the UK). Eventually, my grandmother let us move back in, but it came with a heavy dose of judgment: you got yourself into this, now deal with it.

He did pay child support, technically. But before I turned 18, I found out it wasn’t even him—it was his mother who had been paying all those years. Again were from different country, it’s all done via courts rather than CMS. And before that, he had tried to deny I was his. A DNA test had to be done. That alone says plenty.

My mum reached out to him over the years. She invited him to birthdays, my first communion important moments in our culture. He never answered. Never showed up. And yet… I didn’t grow up feeling like I was missing a dad. That was just my normal. I didn’t feel sad about it, it just was.

My mum passed away a few years ago. Every now and then, my husband asks if I’d ever want to find my father. He half-jokes that the man might come after everything we’ve worked for. I laugh and brush it off. Why would I ever search for someone who so clearly made his choice? Still… sometimes I wonder. If I did meet him, what would I even say? Would I explode in anger, throw all the years in his face, and make sure he knew just how much he gave up? Would I try to prove how well I’ve done how the girl he wanted to erase built a life he couldn’t even imagine? Would I want him to feel ashamed? Maybe even think he deserves to burn in hell?
Or… would the softer side of me take over?Would I want to hear his side of the story? I probably won’t ever look for him. I don’t need to. But every now and then, the thought lingers.

For those of you who also never knew your fathers do you ever wonder too? Did you ever try to find him? And if you did, how did it end?

Every now and then, my husband asks if I’d ever want to find my father. He half-jokes that the man might come after everything we’ve worked for. Not the topic of your thread, but your husband should follow your lead on bringing it up, it's your situation not his.

Aww, thank you all for sharing your stories it’s been so interesting to read how others have gone through similar experiences over the years.

I have one very vivid memory, you know those moments when your childhood consciousness suddenly switches on, and from that point you really start remembering things clearly? For me, that moment was at school when I was about 8 years old. It was Father’s Day, and our class was given a blank sheet with the outline of a man and the task: “Draw your dad.”
Naturally, most of the kids began colouring in their dad’s clothes, hair, and all the little features that made their dads recognisable to them. I remember sitting there, completely unsure, because I had no idea what my dad looked like. So I just let my imagination take over. I drew a man with green hair and red eyes - not out of malice or sadness, but simply because I didn’t know, and I was a child with a wild imagination.

Then came the part where each of us had to stand up and say something about our picture. I proudly stood and started describing my dad: “green hair, red eyes…” and I was quickly stopped. I laugh about it now it’s such a surreal memory. But I also remember my mum being questioned by the teacher when she came to pick me up. I don’t think many people knew she was a single mum at the time.

While I never went on any kind of active search for him, when social media started taking over, I think curiosity got the better of me and as a much younger girl, I typed his name in a few times. Not with any real intention to contact him, just… out of wonder, I suppose.

I looked on Facebook and there wasn't anything, there was this other social platform in my country that helped reconnect old school friends. What was interesting is that when you viewed someone’s profile, it would notify them that you had looked. I once came across a man with the exact same name and location as my „dad”. I didn’t message him, mostly because I had no way of knowing what he looked like.
I viewed the profile and didn’t think much of it. But a few weeks later, when I went back to show my mum, the profile was gone!!! So… maybe it was him and he got scared?

Similar as some of you I think I’d like to know if I got sibillings, I am an only child, and being just with my mum over the years definitely felt isolating.

It's not like he is bringing it up out of blue, it just naturally comes up in the conversation ☺️

Nope. I don't even know his name nor do I want to. The lovely man who helped raise me and was always there for me is the only dad I care about.

Would a good therapist help you tease out some of these understandable questions, OP? Adoptees looking their birth parents through official channels are always referred to specialist counselling, as it can be such a mindfuck, and can have so many potential outcomes from ecstatic reunion to no response to hostility and everuthing in between. Even if you’re not seriously at this point contemplating looking for him, it would give you a space to think about it all without the more personal responses of family members. I mean, I think your DH’s ‘half-joking’ response is a bit odd. Does he actually think your biological father has any claim on your wealth? Have you reason to think he is poor? I just think therapy can be helpful in that no one else’s feelings are involved.

Yes and no. My mum said I didn't need to know who he was and that I'd had a grandad as a father figure so i hadn't missed out. The fact that she wouldn't tell me anything about him makes me wonder if this had the opposite effect of making me curious cos I was miffed that she'd already decided for me.

I think ultimately I would like to know some details but I always felt like I was being a traitor to my mum so never pursued it. It's probably too late now.

I don’t think so. With all due respect to therapists, I honestly don’t see what they could tell me that I haven’t already asked myself. I believe a lot of this is deeply subjective and I’ve already done the inner work, questioned the “what ifs,” and arrived at my own conclusions. I’m not planning to actively search for him, and I don’t feel I need a third party to either challenge that decision or validate it. Some choices, especially ones like this, feel very personal and I believe they should come from within, not be steered by outside influence.

As for my husband, we’ve had open conversations about it. I think that’s normal — and honestly, it feels healthy to be transparent with each other, after all he knows me best, better than any therapist could know mar after few sessions.

Do I think my father could come after our wealth? I don’t know. Maybe. Maybe not. The only thing I do know is that his mother was the one paying child support on his behalf which strongly suggests that he didn’t (and perhaps still doesn’t) have much financially. That, in itself, speaks volumes

As a good therapist I can hazard a guess at why this comes up. There's a tiny part of of you that's wondering if you weren't good enough.

Hmm, I’d have to disagree and here’s why: how could I possibly question whether I was “good enough,” when I wasn’t even born at the time? He didn’t know me. He had no idea who I was or who I’d become, so there was no basis on which to decide my worth. If anything, If that kind of thought existed, it would belong to my mum, not to me. My mother would've questioned her worth, why she was left by this man, what she lacked. That was her burden, not mine

I get that some people might think this kind of curiosity belongs in a therapist’s office, but honestly, it’s not that deep. It’s not about trauma or needing emotional support, it’s just plain curiosity. Wondering about someone from your past, especially a parent, doesn’t automatically mean you need therapy.

I agree with your disagreement (huh?), it's a nonsensical idea but your subconscious isn't rational or logical so it doesn't mean it couldn't have been a factor. Glad it's not part of your thinking.

You don't say in your posts but have you done a DNA test? Best way to find siblings (mine were delighted to have a new big sister - all in all I've gone from the youngest of two to the eldest of six!).

I did but not to look for possible siblings, just out of general curiosity. I already knew that some relatives from my mother’s side had migrated to Australia and the U.S., so I was mostly interested in exploring that part of the family tree.

As expected, I didn’t find anything on my father’s side. But I did uncover some long-lost relatives in the U.S. from my maternal grandfather’s branch. Their ancestors migrated during the war, and we’ve since connected we’re even friends on Facebook now, which has been really lovely.

My daughter has never met her father, and doesn't want to.

He occasionally sends deranged letters to her and once sent one to her work address which was very embarrassing for her. I say deranged because they are a mixture of listing the times he had stalked her after school and then a lot of poor me pleading, he must write them when he is drunk.

He found her on facebook about ten years ago and used it to sneak into my DMs, and was promptly blocked. I read her his messages to me and she was disgusted as was I. His sister wrote a letter after their parents had died wanting to get in touch and saying his other daughter wanted to get in touch, I guess he didn't tell his family until his parents were gone.

Mine doesn't know I exist. I've tried searching via DNA and built a huge tree from my matches. I'm still none the wiser. I would love to find him. Just to know his name would be enough.

Mine left for OW when my mum was pregnant with me, I believe he saw me a couple of times when I was first born. They divorced and he maintained contact with my (older) DB for a little while but never asked to see me and then contact quickly dwindled to nothing with DB as well. DM was (obviously) quite bitter and he was a taboo subject while I was growing up, I've never even seen a photograph of him.

I am curious, always have been but felt it would be horribly disloyal to DM to try to find him. I am now estranged from her though and have been wondering again whether to look for him, still not sure what to do tbh. It feels really odd to not know what your own father looks like and I think I would like the opportunity to get to know him a little bit, and also hear his side of the story as I no longer fully trust my mother's version of events. Not sure I would be looking for any kind of relationship though, think it's probably too late for that.

the thing that i thought of like does he even know about me and if he would wanna talk to me but he does not i dont know why i care when he has never done anything for me i never met him never nothing he has never said happy birthday but somewhere in my heart i care about him even though he might not wanna talk to me im just scared one day i find out hes gone and i never got to meet him my sisters are saying hes not a good man but dont wanna belive that i just wanna know how it feels to have a father is that to much to ask for.i would do anything just to get to meet him for 5 minutes but i dont know anything about him

Are you from Ireland?