For Those Who Never Met Their Dad - Do You Ever Wonder...

[ProfessionalOverthinker1]

..... what if you met him ??

I never met my father. I’m in my 30s now, with a successful life, a loving husband, and a family who care deeply about me. I’ve never truly felt like something was missing but still, every now and then, I catch myself wondering… what if? What if I had met him?

The story I was told, though I’ll never know how much of it was fully true, was that my mum got pregnant in her 40s while in a relationship with him. He was younger than her, not sure by how much, but I don’t think it was anything extreme. He knew about the pregnancy. But a few months in, he gave her an ultimatum: either have an abortion, or lose him.

After I was born, life was hard. We had nowhere to go and ended up in a mother-and-child home run by nuns (not in the UK). Eventually, my grandmother let us move back in, but it came with a heavy dose of judgment: you got yourself into this, now deal with it.

He did pay child support, technically. But before I turned 18, I found out it wasn’t even him—it was his mother who had been paying all those years. Again were from different country, it’s all done via courts rather than CMS. And before that, he had tried to deny I was his. A DNA test had to be done. That alone says plenty.

My mum reached out to him over the years. She invited him to birthdays, my first communion important moments in our culture. He never answered. Never showed up. And yet… I didn’t grow up feeling like I was missing a dad. That was just my normal. I didn’t feel sad about it, it just was.

My mum passed away a few years ago. Every now and then, my husband asks if I’d ever want to find my father. He half-jokes that the man might come after everything we’ve worked for. I laugh and brush it off. Why would I ever search for someone who so clearly made his choice? Still… sometimes I wonder. If I did meet him, what would I even say? Would I explode in anger, throw all the years in his face, and make sure he knew just how much he gave up? Would I try to prove how well I’ve done how the girl he wanted to erase built a life he couldn’t even imagine? Would I want him to feel ashamed? Maybe even think he deserves to burn in hell?
Or… would the softer side of me take over?Would I want to hear his side of the story? I probably won’t ever look for him. I don’t need to. But every now and then, the thought lingers.

For those of you who also never knew your fathers do you ever wonder too? Did you ever try to find him? And if you did, how did it end?

It's not going to happen, I found out who he is on a DNA site and it turns out he's dead.

I don't know but I imagine it would be all of those- a complete emotional roller coaster.

My sister has never met, saw a picture etc of her dad and I know it bothers her mainly identity wise but not enough to look for him. She does often wonder if she has ever been in the same supermarket as him or served him as a customer when working in retail.

My cousin never knew her dad. Her mum, my aunt, refused to tell her who he was. My mum knew his identity and told my cousin when she turned 18. She didn’t look for him until she was in her 40s (after my aunt died) and discovered he was a fairly well known tailor in his home country. My cousin is a very talented dressmaker.

Never met mine
Never wanted to. Really not bothered.

My 11year old has only briefly seen her dad twice. Once when she was a year old for all of a less than an hour and once at a hospital appointment where he didn't really acknowledge her at all. She'll probably never meet him as he's never had any interest in her unfortunately as she has no financial benefits for him(he told me he didn't want to know her unless I was willing to allow him to have her live with him full-time and that I could only have contact with her on his terms).

I don’t even know his name. I’m 41 and not interested. I went into care at 7 and haven’t had contact with mum since I was 17 either. I don’t feel like I’m missing out on anything.

Mine also denied that I was his and a DNA test was required. Mum was married to him and they were trying for a baby (me) when he went missing. He knew about me through the CSA and in the 80s kept changing jobs to outrun the payments. He started a family 2 years after I was born. I don’t know if they know that I exist. I don’t want to meet him but morbid curiosity made me look on Facebook at the pictures.
Mum met the person I call ‘Dad’ when I was 3. He raised me and is wonderful. I’m better off for having him!

My daughter has never met her biological father. He left me when I was 5 months pregnant. Says it all really. Dd was premature and needed surgery when she was born, and I think going through that essentially alone has changed me.
She was interested briefly in her teens, I think he contacted her through Facebook. She’s now 23 and if she does still want to see him, she doesn’t tell me.

My dad left when my mum was pregnant allegedly & I only know his first name. I remember thinking about him when I was a teenager but I think this was because my mum & step dad were alcoholics and abusive & I would daydream that he was perhaps a rich & famous person & he would come & find me. In reality I knew that wouldn't happen & as an adult I completely accepted his decision to not be involved with me & in some ways I respect the decision (I think it may be more harmful if you have a dad popping in & out of your life). I'm not angry & I don't give it any thought but it would be nice if he left me some money in a Will 😁

I’d look for him if I was you. Just for closure. Before it’s too late and you don’t have that option. He might have a different story and be hoping that one day you would look for him. Just be prepared that it could go the other way too. Even if you just wanted to say look here I am I did fine without you, despite you. I love that your husband is supporting you in this. Just gently mentioning it every now and again but with no pressure. He sounds lovely!

Thank you so much for starting this. My father always denied I was his, then died when I was 9, Mum did ask me on her deathbed if I had missed a father presence and I truthfully told her that she had been everything to me. As other PPs have said, why would I want to look for a - ghost. He just wasn't there and isn't now.

I should add that this was back in the 1950's. Mum did a fantastic job.

Nope, he didn’t stick around or pay any support. He’s just a stranger.

I’m 65, my father left before I was born. I suspect there was something going on and my mum said he wasn’t to be involved. Personally he never did a thing for me except give me fat legs. He didn’t pay a penny. I could not give a a flying tinkers damn about him. I did ask my adult son if he wanted me to investigate. He said why? And I agree.

I never had a serious relationship with my oldest child's father. We split before I knew I was pregnant, and it was "complicated" to say the least. He made the decision to walk away, and I supported his right to do so. I knew that it would just be the 2 of us, and it was OK. Several years later, I married another man and had more children with him. He adopted my oldest. Eventually we divorced and soon after that my son looked for his natural father. They've now met several times and get on well. I think he's glad he met him.

Just to add to my post, I feel extra love watching my husband being a brilliant father to our children. It feels ‘healing’.

Thank you, that's a great way of viewing the father of our children.

I'm 54, and I genuinely have never wanted to know. My mum said she kept some information about him, but I've never felt any real curiosity. My mum married my Dad (adoptive) when I was 4, so there is no father shaped hole in my life. He loves me and I love him. He and my mum are divorced now, but obviously that didn't change anything, because we are father and daughter independent of their relationship. In fact, I am probably closer to him than my siblings (his biological children) are. Maybe without him, it would be different. Who can tell?

This thread applies to me and the Can I ask if you grew up without a Mother!
I didn’t know his name until early teens when I was told he had just killed himself and that’s where the story was left until I was 30. His wife (I was the result of his affair with my Mother) stopped me in the street and asked if I was Cakeinvader. She then told me who she was and that I had 4 half siblings! He had known about me and had been taken to court for maintenance by my mother(strange as it was her Mum who was raising me and should have had the money!). 20 odd years later I was contacted by a half sister and we saw each other for a while but it really was too difficult for us both - pain on both sides mixed with bitterness. I had asked her for a photo, even just to look at if not keep, but she said her Mum had destroyed them all after his suicide. There was a part of me that felt abandoned again and that he was their Dad not mine. This also applied to his parents and siblings, they were their grandparents, aunts and uncles not mine. In my 30s I tracked down his grave and was also allowed to view the inquest findings as my existence was mentioned as a possible cause of his instability due to financial issues with having to provide for me as well as his other children. That was guilt that I really didn’t need.
By all accounts from my half sister he was a lovely man but he wasn’t to me, just a cheating man who didn’t want to acknowledge my existence.
The other thread applies as my Mother walked out on me leaving me with her Mum when I was 3 months old.
Their irresponsible affair back in the 60s has certainly left its mark on my life.

I met mine when I was 19. It was a fairly lackluster experience and we did not keep in touch. It was nice to see my features reflected back to me though. None of my maternal half sibs looked anything like me.

Never met mine, my mum can only make a best guess as to who he is.

It bothered me when I was little - single parents were very rare back then, so everyone else had a dad and teased me that I didn’t. But I got over that, and then didn’t really think about it until I had children myself - then I felt really sorry for him, because he had these gorgeous grandchildren he didn’t even know about.

Now I’m older, and what bothers me most is the thought that I might have brothers and sisters and nieces and nephews out there. Other than DH and the DC, my mum is the only family I have that I actually know. That feels rather lonely and isolating.

I'm 40 this year and never once met my Dad. My step-dad entered my life when I was 13, but I won't go into that.

I've never really felt sad that I don't know who he is, but I know he and his parents tried to gain access to me when I was younger...from what I've gathered. His parents were in my life for a while when I was a baby/toddler, but I obviously don't remember any of that.

I do often wonder who he is, is he still alive (he would be 60), I know he lives in the local area and always has. I think he's had other children and that's what bothers me most- I have half-siblings out there I have never met. I was an only child growing up and it was really lonely. Those siblings will be younger than me, but I think I would like to know them. I wonder if they look like me? I wonder if my children look like them? Or like my Dad? I look a lot like my Mum&Aunts, so do my children, but I do wonder....I wouldn't know where to start if I did want to find them. There's no way I could go via my Mother.

I met my biological father two years ago, long into his Alzheimers journey and only two months before his death. He never knew I existed - he went home to California after his US army posting in the UK before my mother knew she was pregnant in 1963. From all accounts he was a good man and a good father to his three children (who accepted me joyfully). My life could have been a lot different.

ETA - if my life had been different so would have a lot of other peoples. And for that reason I'm glad it wasn't.

Mine died years ago but even before that he wasn't interested. By all accounts he was a bit of a player leaving pregnant women in his wake all over the place and then denying he was the father. Who knows how many siblings I might have.