Feeling sad to be judged but also sad I have to think like this ?

[Thecompromise]

I have a lot of difficulties. ASD,ADHD, PTSD and ME. For a lot of years I was intensively masking and a complete doormat/people pleaser. I would work and help out family , go home and collapse often in that days clothes and then repeated the cycle each day. It was exhausting and then I developed ME. I was then not able to carry on working, driving or helping family out and I feel their attitude towards me shifted completely as I wasn’t useful?

I met my dh and realised I wanted to prioritise myself for once and that I wanted to have one child (as wouldn’t manage more!) and that it would take all my energy to be a good parent so that was the compromise to myself that I would prioritise that over everything else. My dh was fully on board but my family continues to judge and it’s been made worse recently but the attitudes in the media about the disabled and working . They make comments but they don’t understand I’m not prepared to jeopardise being a good parent just to be an economic contributor as I don’t want my child ending up as a young carer. It wouldn’t be fair in my eyes (I know sometimes it’s unavoidable but for me it is an avoidable situation) . They criticise my decision to home educate and just everything that I do.

I struggle to feel judged it hurts my feelings. Has anyone had experience of this type of thing . I feel I need to just be able to ignore it but it’s got worse lately 😔

I’m genuinely sorry for your troubles and I’m the first to admit I haven’t experienced them myself. But people judge me all the time, and I cannot imagine ever adjusting my behaviour or choices one degree either way because of it. I certainly don’t let what others think of me affect me, hurt feelings or not. You can be proud of your self and your family. Who cares what anyone else thinks about it?

Yes, I think that’s reasonable. I mean, let them. You can’t control other people’s behaviour or attitudes to you, so I wouldn’t give it any headspace. See dwelling on this as a bad habit you need to shed, a leftover from your people-pleasing days.

Live your life for you and your family.

If people judge you that’s their issue.

You are the one who has to live with your decisions and if you’re happy that’s all that matters.

Thankyou , I think I just wish I didn’t have such easily hurt feelings ! I was such a complete people pleaser for so long that even though I’m not actively people pleasing with any actions now I still have the residue of that mentality wanting the recognition and to be thought of well if that makes sense? In reality I just want to not care anymore but each time something is said I feel like I should be able to do it all rather than having to have compromised.

Agree with "let them". Their judgements can't hurt you. If you're getting by without going to work, and parenting happily, good for you. Plenty of people don't work and sah with kids. It is not a failing at all. It isn't as if you're scamming anyone.

I am autistic and my family judge me a lot for not working and not living a mainstream life. I am NC with them now and it's a breath of fresh air! I have no idea what their opinions are and I have no concerns what they think of my life now. It is very freeing.

With other adults I keep them at arm's reach and they have no idea what I do with my time. They often assume I am working and I let them believe it. I've known some of these people for years and conversation never goes beyond chat about the weather and holiday plans. Focus on yourself and your dc and don't worry too much about other people.

They criticise my decision to home educate
I’m curious where the decision to home educate comes into it? If I had a chronic illness and couldn’t work then I also couldn’t have the energy to home educate. Is that what they’re thinking? Is it a needs must situation?

I developed ME. I was then not able to carry on working, driving or helping family out

I'm sorry that happened, and all the associated challenges you've faced. I guess, playing devil's advocate, people question how come you can have a kid and home educate them if you didn't even have the energy to work, drive etc. Having a child and raising them 24/7 must be one of the most exhausting things you could do. Obviously you're making it work, which is great, but not everyone will understand how you can manage A and not B. But if there's no getting through to them, you have to own your choices and not care what they think.

It was a lot to do with the fact I can’t manage school runs at all. We do go to some groups but it’s a lot easier than set times every day to have to go out as I often can’t .

I think you have made the perfect decision for your health and the best decision for your child. You have to remember that your family will always make you feel inadequate, if you work part time they would think you should work full time and if you work full time they would think you should work from home etc. Part of you healing is living you life according to your own needs and wants.

What are they judging you for? Having one child? Not working? Their opinions don't matter in the slightest.

I've long adopted the view that other people's negative opinions says everything about them and nothing about you. I'd feel sorry for them (if I gave it any thought) that they've been indoctrinated by the undercurrent in society that devalues child rearing.

You don't need people's positive opinions to live a good life - what matters- all that matters - at the end of the day - is (IMHO) how you conduct yourself.

OP you can’t please everyone. It’s impossible. No whatever what your life choices someone somewhere will disagree with them. Ima SAHM. Most people don’t comment. The odd person has said ‘gosh I couldn’t do that’ in a ‘you must be a bit weak and thick’ way and if I worked FT I’d feel guilty. You just have to make your choices and stand by them.
on the home schooling front, it’s a perfectly valid choice but should be made on the basis of what’s best for your child, not what’s best for you. If you can’t manage the school run because of your health conditions but actually believe school would be good for your child then see if you can get any support with that. If you truly believe you are doing the best thing for your child by home educating and can do it properly, then crack on!