I’m struggling with understanding my own behaviour when it comes to porn. I consider myself a feminist, and dislike the porn industry for many reasons. I had never been exposed to it until I got a smartphone about 12 years ago (when I was about 25).
I used the phone to read erotic literature whilst masturbating, which led me to porn. In the cold light of day I wouldn’t have gone there, but I did and I have kept doing it ever since. It’s a very predictable cycle of desire, cognitive dissonance and shame.
The definition of addiction is around frequent use that causes other negative behaviours etc. I don’t fit that definition. I masturbate no more than I ever did (depends on my cycle but rarely more than a couple of times a week), I don’t spend hours doing it, it never interfered with relationships and it’s always been done privately etc. However, despite my feelings of guilt and shame over the porn use I seem unable to stop. When I get sexual urges, even though I think to myself that I mustn’t use porn, I find myself giving in almost every time if it’s available. And then immediately afterwards comes the guilt.
I would like to stop and I don’t know what to do. Turn the WiFi off?! Get rid of my phone?