High-functioning autism and ADHD, masking

[IamalsocalledEmma]

I’ll try to keep this post short: I’m interested in knowing about diagnosing and supporting people who are very high-functioning with autism and/or ADHD. I suspect DS (6) might be just a bit on the spectrum and I don’t know how to get him help (or how to parent him). He’s kind, funny, and clever, but when he’s a bit depleted he’s a different person, cannot control impulses, does what he wants, can have a big tantrum for no apparent reason. At school he’s generally well-behaved but can be a bit “extra,” will get just a bit too rough with play fighting or, as his teachers describe, too enthusiastic, for example if he and other little boys are playing space fighters with their legos and they decide to have a battle, he will really go in and smash the others, in a way that surprises the other children, and he doesn’t seem to respond when they say stop or look upset. Or at home, he just keeps doing the things you ask him not to do, and does it a little bit more each time, like he wants to test the limit, and if you put your foot down (no more tipping back in your chair at the dinner table or you will lose your X toy) he will cry and say he doesn’t think it’s fair to receive that punishment. But looking at him, sometimes it feels like he just can’t stop doing that thing, like his brain is commanding him and moving too quickly almost.

we’ve moved abroad and seen two psychologists (they do Autism/ADHD assessments and diagnoses round here) who said they would not recommend screening him as they didn’t see any evidence. We also did a tele consultation with a UK behavioural developmental psych who agreed there wa s nothing that seemed to point towards ADHD/ASD. They all also highlighted that these conditions are present before birth and DS didn’t seem to show any traits until 1-2 years ago (when we moved, perhaps uncoincidentally).

Im just a bit lost, are we just rubbish parents? Is it worth pushing for a diagnosis? What should I be doing here?

Firstly you can't be a little bit on the spectrum. There's also no such thing as very high functioning. People are either autistic/ ADHD or not - masking doesn't mean they function 'better'. However it might seem to others, masking us a sign of disfunction.

You've seen several specialists who see no signs of neurodivergence. All you can do us be reassured and watchful while you parent and enjoy your child. It's sad that you feel you've gone wrong. Either way, your child will pick up on that sense of wrong. They will know it's attributed to them and internalised it. Enjoy your child the way they are. That's what you can do.

Umm, that's why it's a 'spectrum' - yes you can be high functioning @Marcusparkus this is why high functioning was previously termed aspergers, now it's all classified as autism but still presents very differently and not just due to masking. Not all people with autism are exactly the same, there's huge variations in the levels of difficulties each individual will face.

Your examples don't really suggest autism though OP.

You’re describing almost every 6 year old I have even taught! At that age, children start to push boundaries. They want to have some autonomy and push back against demands placed on them from adults around them.
‘The fact that you’ve consulted with not one but three professionals makes it sound like you’re a bit obsessed with finding a reason for his perfectly normal behaviour.
6 year olds find sitting at the dining table a bit boring so they fidget - such tables are designed for adults and can be a bit uncomfortable for little ones. Plus he may be expected to eat food he doesn’t necessarily like when he may not be necessarily hungry.
Just give the kid a break and let him be six!

Actually, Asperger's was considered a 'type' of high-functioning autism so under the old diagnostic criteria all Asperger's were high-functioning autistic but not all high-functioning autistics were Asperger's. My son was diagnosed with high-functioning autism as he did not meet the criteria for Asperger's.

I have an AuDHD (as it’s called) diagnosis. Level 2 for autism fwiw. I also have a child this age.

I think in your shoes I would concentrate on helping your son identify the tipping points from when something goes from a fun game into an overwhelming “all in” type of situation, and slowly learning to step back or pause. This would be my advice whether he was neurodivergent or neurotypical.

Re “high functioning”, masking, “a little bit on the spectrum” - it’s not a spectrum like the ring on a gas hob that can be set to high or low, it’s like a spectrum on a light array. I have moderate needs despite sitting here able to communicate this message. If you put me in a situation which only reflected skills where I have low needs, I would do very well. The opposite, or for a prolonged period, I would do very badly - this is the case for most “high functioning” people - we have a very inconsistent profile.

If he is ND, this may be clearer when he is older. A lot of traits at this age can look like ND but simply be young children being young children.

But I am definitely high functioning as are a lot of my friends with diagnoses.

Many of us can hold down jobs, families, travel independently, care for ourselves and others. We get burnt out, and can find things confusing and get over stimulated but we can do it.

My friend has an adult non verbal child, who can’t have furniture in their room. They still poo smear and need continuous 121 provision. They are a danger to themselves and others and the bigger they get the harder it is to manage.

The diagnosis is the same ASD but the lived reality couldn’t be further apart.

Totally hear what you're saying TumbledTussocks - and you're right, there is no comparison. There is a need for a distinction but the terms high and low functioning are falling out of favour, rightly IMO.
High functioning minimises the challenges and that's what I read into this post and many others (not intending to single out OP) but it's a widely held perception that if you're high functioning then that's basically fine, you can just try harder and fit in. I read the other day that so called high functioning individuals are at much higher risk of serious mental health problem because of this pressure. The statistics were distressing. The distinction needs to acknowledge differing needs and challenges rather than a high/ low, good/ bad, lucky/ unlucky understanding. I understand the frustration of those with high levels of care needs who are being forgotten as our understanding of autism grows.

The specialists say there are no traits, see if their are parenting classes so u can learn how to deal with unwanted behaviour.