DD just hates anything new, help!

[TheyreLikeUsButRichAndThin]

A pattern is occurring where DD, 3, just hates trying anything at all. This morning for example, Little Kickers (football), she reeeeeally seemed to want to do it when she saw a load of them coming out of a session and she loves playing football at home. So signed her up, you have to buy the kit etc before you even have a trial 🙄anyway, this morning obviously she is absolute floods of tears, won't get dressed, won't let us brush her hair etc, screaming, scratching us etc. So obviously we're helping her name her feelings, saying it's OK to be shy or nervous. As she's 3 there is no need for her to go to football but just thought it might be fun and would be nice for her to give it a go as she might love it!

Last month we had the same with ballet - wanted a go then we missed both trials (not free, had to pay for them!) as she wasn't in the mood/too nervous/very upset etc.

Same thing with forest school when she was 2 - we did a term but I didn't sign up for another as sick of the refusal and misery each time.

Even the same when we went to baby groups - library rhymetime, dancey baby group thing, soft play even! Just won't get involved until it's time to leave. We went to a lovely art session once that was only 45 mins - she got into it and stopped clinging in the last 5 mins. Annoying!

She is FINALLY improving at nursery drop off, 18 months after starting - from the minute she asks if it's a nursery day and is told yes, she takes her clothes off, won't let us brush her hair, screams and clings, has to be carried in etc but it's been better lately as nursery have been working with us on it. I don't want to lie to her and drop her at nursery without her having any notice! Also wouldn't work as it's a long walk to nursery and they take ages to answer the door so can't be quick about it.

So I think, like me, she just gets very nervous of the unknown and would just love to be home the whole time. Which is fine when you're 3 but participating and not being a hermit is a life skill and I'm already dreading school drop offs when she starts in 2026!

My older 2 kids were never ever like this so I definitely think it's a personality thing rather than poor parenting!

DC1 - never stops moving, is up for anything, go go go.

DC2 - total homebody + VERY easygoing = up for anything
DD - total homebody + very headstrong and stubborn = wtf do we do??

Just looking for advice on what to do really! WWYD?

I was quite like that. I have quite a few memories of being taken to clubs that I wanted to join, only then cry and refuse to go in.

my suggestions would be to try and combined new things with things or people that feel secure. Does she have friends she feels comfortable with? Maybe she can try a new club together with them? Or try a new activity 1-1 with a teacher first, before joining a group.. etc. clubs that are quieter like art? Rather than more active sporty clubs might work as well

That is tough OP! Do you talk her through things beforehand, like the night before for example so she always knows what is coming and there is never a surprise? One of my nephew’s is quite similar, he cannot handle anything that feels like change so the solution they found is to basically give him advance warning of absolutely everything and make sure he’s aware. So he has a chart on the wall which says what days he is at nursery, football, if saturday is going to be a birthday party then that will be on the chart, and every night before bed they talk to him about the plan for tomorrow. It may not work for you but it really helps him, it means there is never a “Is it nursery today” because she will always know when it is, she knows when e.g. football will be because you’ll have spoken about it.

Thanks for the advice and sympathy! Sorry for my late reply.

Good idea re. explaining the night before what’s going to happen the next day. I did think of that but was reluctant in case she then won’t go to sleep, if it’s something she doesn’t want to do the next day!

Also good idea re going to these things with a friend, unfortunately we were actually going to these things in the hopes of making some friends 😆

We did make it to football yesterday! And she kicked a ball!
Hair un-brushed, odd shoes as she wanted one rainbow one and one black one 🙃 spent the first 15 mins burying her face in me, then the next 15 mins watching from my lap and I could tell she wanted to join in, and then she did join in really nicely for the last 15 mins!! So not at all as bad as I’ve had before 👍

She’s 3. Honestly I would just wait with extra curricular stuff. She probably does want to do it but then feels totally overwhelmed. My DD was the same but she was fine and could manage by age 6.

My DD was like this at that age. She’s 14 now and diagnosed autistic. She couldn’t handle change or the unknown.

A LOT of three year olds are like this.

crying etc at nursery drop offs and taking time to settle is completely normal. Lots of people don’t both with any extra curriculars at that age because they change their mind so fast you just waste so much money.

So you are telling her it is okay to be shy and nervous. Fair enough, but you have now reinforced her behaviour, haven't you? You've told her that it is acceptable to behave like that, so any time she ever decides she doesn't want to do something, you are going to get the same reaction out of her because she knows it works.

Sorry, but there it is.

She’s 3. She’ll grow out of it. It’s frustrating but you can’t change her. Just relax and probably stop signing her up for stuff that costs money.

My daughter was like this at 3 ( including the being incredibly headstrong). At 9 she’s still wary of trying new things, but is better at articulating why, and often it’s because she doesn’t know what to expect. At 3 she’d usually do 2 or 3 sessions, only join in if I did too and then refuse to go. She’s since been diagnosed autistic, and it all made sense. Most were far too loud and overwhelming, but at 3 she’d didn’t have the words to tell me that.

What an oddly aggressive reply 😅 ever so know-it-all, and yet an impressive lack of advice…

Spot on though.

Have you tried visuals? If she struggles a bit with transitions, a chart showing pictures of each bit of the activity (eg, getting changed at home, going in the car/bus/whatever, arriving at the venue, meeting the teacher etc etc) could help. It doesn’t have to be fancy - even just stick drawings would be fine. A lot of children find seeing The Plan laid out very reassuring.

And the advice to go along with that would be…? I’d far prefer her to be allowed to feel and understand her feelings than be told to buck up and get on with it. Also care to shed any light on what @BeNiceWhenItsFinished means by ‘it works’? What works? Her behaviour works in what way? If it was working then surely she would be taken home rather than left at nursery, for example? Don’t know what that poster is on about tbh. Genuinely unhelpful - shed some light?

Thanks @Fairyvocals good idea! She has a chart thing where she can see whether it’s a nursery day etc so that’s good hopefully!

Mine was just like this at 3. We would talk her through anything new for days in advance so that there was no surprise on the day which definitely helped. We didn't start extra curricular until she was 4, tried a couple of things aged 2-3 and she just wasn't ready and would be exactly like you have posted. At 5 and a half she does 4 extra 'things' and is absolutely fine and loves them. She still doesn't like surprises but a million times easier. Still have to talk through things in advance but miles better. Time and patience def worked... eventually!

She's 3. She's an anxious child. She needs more time and unconditional love.

DD was not as bad as your dd stands. But looking back she was anxious, and became hysterical if I had to go and pick up DS once I'd dropped her. DS loved the roughty toughty playgroup. DD hated it, we had to find her a much gentler one.

Looking back, I don't think we did structured activities at 3. More like 5 and dd might well have not been ready at 3.

She was scared of the stairs still at 3 and bottom bumped down. She was scared of sitting on the toilet until about 4 (despite being fully potty trained at 2yrs 9mos).

Then she grew up and all seemed fine. At about 15 though she became depressed and was diagnosed with anxiety and depression and it was a rough few years with an ADHD diagnosis a few years later. She has some autistic traits but insufficient for a diagnosis. Once diagnosed so many pennies fell into place and I wish we'd realised earlier.

All that said @TheyreLikeUsButRichAndThin she's almost 27 now, took a first from Cambridge, is a very switched on an competent secondary school teacher and manages her MH conditions and ND very well. It took her a bit longer to navigate her way but with love and support she got there and is a lovely young woman.

It is absolutely ok for people to be shy and nervous.

Just making that point for some on this thread.

My DD was the same and was diagnosed with autism as a teen.

Like many pps sounds exactly like my now 10 yo dd who has since been diagnosed as autistic.
She does now do activities she enjoys and only took until halfway through year 3 to go into breakfast club without huge wariness.
She still hates change - and still doesn't always have the words to express the overwhelm.
Let her try things and join in as much as she wants to. Help her to become comfortable and know support is there and difficult as it is - don't need embarrassed that she needs additional support / doesn't find it as easy as others.

To much to soon

Sounds like she's neurodivergent.
Autism is what I would suspect.

It takes some kids longer to deal with change so I would focus on developing strategies to help her cope. My child was like that, and getting upset or angry with them doesn’t work (I’m not saying you do) but making sure they understand what’s going to happen and letting them go at their own pace does. So what if it takes a few sessions for her to join in, give her the space to decide if it’s something she wants to do.