I hope this is ok to post here, if not please do move me to the right forum.
I am going through a time in my life where I am feeling quite lost. I feel like I have lost parts of myself and I think I am long overdue some help.
One thing that I know about life is that I am not alone in having issues and none of us know what is going on behind someone else’s door.
I lost my mum in primary school. I had child counselling at the time but can’t honestly say if it helped me or not. I recognise now how much this set me apart from my peers and how much I had to grow up over night. I navigated puberty and teen life on my own (and not very well). My dad didn’t really understand what a teen girl needed so just handed me £40 a month to buy everything. I was loved, but naturally he coped better with my older brother. As a result of this money, my friends thought I was rich and took advantage of me. Looking back, this was so upsetting - no one just picked me up some pads or deodorant in the weekly shop, that was what that money was for.
I went through bullying at school. I hated school till year 11 but liked sixth form when the bullies left. I was a “lost in the middle” kid - never the brightest, didn’t matter how hard I tried. Never picked for anything I tried for. Tried to be involved in school activities and gain responsibilities was never good enough.
Uni was a life changer for me and was the best thing I ever did. My career went a few ways before settling down and I have worked bloody hard to progress and qualified as a teacher a few years back. I purchased my own home after qualifying, have worked my backside off to make it home and bring it up to a good standard.
Over the last few years, I have had struggles. I have failed in finding a relationship and have gone through the inevitable phase where most of my friends are now married with children and I am the single one. Not through lack of trying. It can be so hard. I have a lot of friends and I feel privileged for that. For many, the marriages and babies haven’t changed our friendships and I’ve gained new friends (the husbands) and am Godmother to two.
But for one group, I am very much the stigma and comments that have been made to me have really stung. I purchased a 1st birthday present for one of my friends children and was asked “you don’t have children, why do you care about their birthday?”. I’ve been told “if you just change this about yourself, men will be more interested”.
The last two years have been a huge battle. Health issues due to a physical impairment I have, but the worst was bullying. Last year I experienced work place bullying by my colleague who I had to work closely with. Started subtle, gradually built, no one had the ability to do anything about it due to her slyness and manipulation around the school and unique ability to cover her tracks perfectly. She reduced me to a pulp of my former self and I ended up leaving a place I loved to teach elsewhere which has been so hard.
I don’t think I’m depressed as I still find joy in life. I travel, I have dreams, I have passions. I’m not suicidal, But I have lost myself. I have constant feelings of not good enough. My bully well and truly won last year and people who I thought cared did nothing. I take things personally and can feel my anxiety rising.
I think the time has come to seek help before I potentially sink to a very dark place but I don’t know where to start. How do you find a good therapist / Counsellor (is there a difference?) Can anybody recommend any tools / self help guides or tips or apps that they have used?
Thank you for sticking with me, I think sometimes when you feel there’s no one to speak to out loud, it’s good to type it,