Wanting a 3rd baby - head vs heart battle!

[AnaV]

Just looking to chat with someone who may understand.

I'm 38 and have two beautiful girls. DD1 just turned 6, and DD2 is 4 months old. I never thought of having 3 kids before, but since DD2 was born I have this massive urge for a 3rd child! When I mentioned it to my husband he smiled and said omg we are crazy - in his heart he also wants another one but then reality kicks in.

• All my 3 pregnancies (I had a miscarriage 2 years ago) were extremely difficult, I had hyperemesis and was very often bed bound unable to even take care of myself let alone DD1.

• My health is not ideal, although I don't have any major issues I'm finding it really hard to recover from giving birth and have lots of small problems, e.g I now have retained placenta from DD2 and varicose veins that worsened and hurt me a lot. The recovery from the second pregnancy is extremely slow, I still feel weak and unfit.

• The second delivery was very tough if not traumatic (she got stuck, it was very long and painful and 8 attempts at epidural didn't work, likely because I have scoliosis, and I still have painful bruises on my back 4 months later).

• I don't know if we could survive another period of sleep deprivation, it is definitely affecting our health.

• We have a small house and to afford a larger house would need to move out of city centre somewhere a lot farther so our lives would change significantly.

• Financially, it would be difficult (but not impossible) to afford another nursery fee, and this would of course impact what kind of new house we could get (practically we wouldn't be able to save anything with two nursery fees). We could get a mortgage for a new home but become slaves to it since we'd have a small deposit.

• I have a job I love and worked my whole life to get here, and my career is going great. I'm at the stage I'm supposed to be travelling often (every two months or so) to conferences etc but I wouldn't be able to do that until all kids we have are at least 2 so would be missing out on career opportunities.

DH is rational about it and says it's too much of a risk especially for my health, we should be thinking of the two girls we have. Also financially it would strain us completely. And then DD1 walks into the room and asks when are we having a third baby, she says she will use her Christmas wish to ask Santa for another baby and is telling everyone in her school we will have a new baby next Christmas 😂. This is really not helping me 😂.

It seems everyone in the family wants a new baby but we have all these realistic considerations to think about.

Just wondering if anyone had a similar experience and those who have >2 siblings, how did you feel about it? We would also not be the youngest of parents (I'm 38, DP is 39).

Thanks!

I'm in a similar situation. Same age as you, mine are only 2.5 and 9 months though. Head says no to a 3rd for so many reasons (I also had HG dreadfully with my last, plus two c sections). But my heart! I would love another, I really would. But its not practical and the risks are too high for me. I think hormones are very powerful, and maybe we just have to try to override them, be as logical as possible and count our blessings. Easier said than done though!

Another way to look at it is to think of your existing children. Yes, they would enjoy having a younger sibling, but they would also have a lot less of your time and resources. Their parents will be more tired, stressed, stretched. They would have to move home. Your oldest might end up missing local friends if you had to move too far afield. And of course neither would like it if something serious happened to your health because of the pregnacy or birth. It's in their interests as well as your own to stop at two.

I sometimes read on MN about thriving not surviving as a family, and it always sticks in my head. If you had a third child, bought a new house and needed the boiler replaced within 6 months, would that completely stretch you (in theory)? Could you afford any further rises in cost of living as well as the nursery fees and mortgage etc?

We stopped at 2DC. I really don't enjoy being pregnant, and I never had hyperemesis. I was really unwell when my youngest was born, I have no wish to repeat that and DH is on board too. So, luckily, for me, it was an easy decision.

Are you thinking about University? It's costing us £57k per child covering tuition, maintenance & rent. The interest rates are now prohibitive under the new plans.

Also, what state is your pension in?

In about 7 years, these questions become more important than you realise right now.

It’s your hormones trying to convince you. A trick of biology.

Your primary school journey has only just got started and believe me it’s exhausting (and boring) after a few years of doing it. If you had another child in a couple of years time, you’d be on the school run for another… 13 years. So that’s 15 years or so in total. It’s a lot.

I decided to focus on my existing DC and giving them everything I can. My time, energy, money for activities and further education. Not to mention house deposits etc when they’re grown up.

I have 4 dc so 3 seems easy to me! I had hyperemesis in my first pregnancy. It's awful. didn't have it in my subsequent pregnancies but was still very sick and nauseas until about week 16. It's hard trying to look after other dc while feeling ill. Your births sound scary and the sleep deprivation sucks. But it's all temporary, you need to look at the bigger picture. Do you see your family as complete as a family of 4? When you are older will you be happy to have only 2 dc? All my life I craved a bustling household because I was a (lonely) only child. Our house is complete chaos now but so much fun. Financially we are okay as both working full time but dh is flexible and works evenings and weekends which saves on childcare. However we don't have much time together as a family so we take lots of mini breaks away. I hope you reach your decision, it's awful being undecided as you're in limbo.

TBH it doesn't sound like your body is really suited to pregnancy and childbirth and with 2 dcs to think about, I don't think it's fair to take the risk when they are the ones who would miss out if you can't be fully present.

With COL etc it makes sense to switch your focus now on your career. It would be hard to pay two lots of nursery fees at once, and at your age you don't have time to leave a bigger gap.

I had my first at 30 & my second at 32. When the second was 6 months, I was desperate for a third. I’d no health issues but my DH was very against a third for all completely rational & reasonable reasons. I had no rationale other than I wanted another. It’s only one of two real disagreements we’ve ever had. I was adamant that I wasn’t going back on the pill so I suggested an ultimatum if he was equally adamant about a third child. No sex or he get a vasectomy. He got the vasectomy. I know that seems drastic but it made me realise how serious he was. (We obviously talked it through thoroughly before he actually went ahead) I look back now (I’m 56) & occasionally daydream about a third but he was right. A third would have been financially & emotionally difficult. Hormones have a lot to answer for.

On a practical note, you can't fit three car seats into a normal car so you will need to get a people carrier.

we have 3 boys, they wer 3 1/2 and 6 1/2 when the third was born. The youngest is now almost 17 and I can’t imagine how our family would have been without him. When they were younger the other 2 would fight over who was going to play with him. Then they learned to time share him. Both would probably say he’s their favourite brother.

Sure I’ll be putting off retirement to get him through uni but that third child just completed our family.