Is this ADHD/depression/perimenopause/burnout speaking or should I actually do this?

[43AndLosingMyMind]

As my username suggests, I am 43 and feel as though I am at the absolute end of my tether. Dramatic, yes, but I have just spent yet another day sat at my desk at home crying and struggling to get any work done.

I have been a lawyer my whole career. I am good at it - a perfectionist, people pleaser, hard worker, so I have always been the “good girl” of the team and taken bullying and ridiculous workloads from my seniors with a smile while hiding crippling anxiety and self esteem issues. At regular intervals I have looked into escaping law - I have always done a lot of volunteering, I have explored retraining as a vet and since my 20s have been interested in speech and language therapy. I have always talked myself out of a career change though -it would be utter madness to throw away years of undergrad and postgrad qualifications and huge salaries for a silly dream, right?

A few years ago I decided to give the charity sector a try. I currently have a few volunteer roles (including school governor and reading with school children) that I adore, and did some additional post grad studies and joined an in house legal team at a children’s charity. It required a 50% pay cut and raised many eyebrows at the time but luckily my husband was supportive and we were able to make it work. I loved it at first - but have been subjected to constant low level bullying by a senior member of staff and the actual work I am doing feels no different to the legal work I have been doing elsewhere - yes it’s all ultimately for a good cause but more and more it is not motivating me enough. We are also undergoing massive funding cuts and it is likely that we will lose over 50% of my department by the end of the year (possibly including me). Morale is rubbish and the uncertainty is really getting to me.

I have previously had careers coaching (v helpful) and have been on antidepressants and seeing a therapist for nearly 3 years. I strongly strongly suspect I have ADHD and am perimenopausal.

All I want to do is retrain as a speech and language therapist and work with children. It has become almost like an obsession. It is something that has been on my mind for nearly 20 years but I am telling myself that this isn’t “real”, it’s just my brain tricking me, and it would be incredibly irresponsible to throw away my career at this stage. I kicking myself for not having done this in my 20s.

Has anyone else experienced this sense of depression/desperation for change at this stage of their careers (especially anyone going through perimenopause and/or ADHD)? Is it a passing phase that I just need to get over? Did anyone actually make the leap?

Apologies for the essay
TL/DR - did ADHD/perimenopause drive you to make a massive career change?

Can you afford it? If you can, and can generally make it work, why not retrain? You’ve done around 20 years in law presumably and tried two different fields within it.

It’s not your passion any more and you sound very motivated and knowledgable about what being an SLT would mean. There is plenty of demean for SLTs. I’d say go for it if you can make it work.

Why isn't it real? And so what if you didn't do it in your 30s! I think you should do this!

Or 20s even. But still, I think you should do it

I think you should go for it but you should burnt out now and need to recover from that before you start something new.

You’ve been in a law career for 20 years and have tried the change to what you saw as a more fulfilling law career. If it’s not working for you and you can afford it then I’d absolutely retrain.

You've probably missed the boat for applying this year so I’d probably try and get some work experience with a SaLT, maybe do some more voluntary work in that area. If voluntary redundancy is offered I’d take it with both hands. If you can afford it maybe take a career break of a few months.

i think it’s quite normal to change your mind about what you want to do when you group up as your life experiences change and you mature.

If you can afford it, do it. I was a mid-career academic with a PhD and 20 years experience working as a health scientist. I’m 44. Burnout, toxic work environment and cherry on top, I got cancer and had to leave my job anyway.

I’d been thinking about retraining due to burnout and everything at work while I was out on sick leave (for the burnout), and actually started work towards a new qualification, then bam, I got cancer and had to leave my course anyway. But I don’t plan to go back to my old work and I do plan to continue training once I’m well enough to.

I was on sick leave for 8 months before they finally ended my contract. I cannot tell you the relief I felt! We are not meant to be machines. I had a great career as a scientist. I learned a lot of skills. But my passions are elsewhere. You’re allowed to have a new chapter.

One thing I would say though if bullying has been the common denominator throughout make sure that whatever you do gives you freedom to also work freelance or in private practice with partners of your choosing. Because bullying is rife in the NHS too unfortunately. You will want the flexibility to develop your own work environment.

Also I would caution you against problematising wanting a change. It’s not ADHD or perimenopause causing you to to not be able to stick with something. It’s perfectly normal and healthy to not do the same job for like 5 decades of working life. You are allowed to grow and develop new interests and passions.

Do it! You are allowed to change careers!

I was in a senior post in a corporate environment at a similar age to you, when I got to the burnout stage. So I left and did freelance work for a few years in the hope that I would be able to pick and choose my hours more. I was in demand, but I found it hard not to put my all into it again. And I still craved a major change, to a career more aligned with my values.

So I started a business in a completely different field, but using some of the skills and experience I already had. I hired expertise where I didn’t have it myself, built the business up, it is really doing well. And again felt burnout, so I made an exit strategy and I am now a non exec. But I don’t regret the change one bit.

My advice to you is to plan your career change but in parallel, look closely at your work life balance. Make sure you have time to switch off, time to eat well, exercise, take fresh air, see friends, spend time with those you love, go on holiday. Because unless you tackle these things, you may be doomed to burnout whatever you do.

Thanks @pjani - I thiiiiiiiink we could just about afford it but it would mean cutting right back for a couple of years (I’m hoping I could do the 2 years MSc). He knows how unhappy I am and that I want to change things up - I think he is expecting me to try a different field of law rather than completely retraining though 😁

Thanks @clarepetal - you’re right, it’s irrelevant that I didn’t do it earlier

Thanks @Dreichweather and that’s very true - I just feel utterly (mentally) exhausted by everything. I had a huge burn out during Covid (as did everyone else who was working ridiculous hours while trying to home school very young children!!) and to be honest I don’t think I ever allowed myself the space to truly recover from that, I just kept jumping jobs in the hope that the next one would be better. That’s a little bit what I am afraid of doing here so I will need to give myself some space to work it all through.

Thank you @TwoBlueFish - that’s very encouraging. I’m making enquiries with a couple of the unis now around application dates etc as well as with a couple of charities/SLTs for work experience/volunteering opportunities. One of the school mums is an SLT so I will definitely be buying her a coffee and asking her lots of questions in the near future…!

Thanks so much @mindutopia - I am so sorry about your cancer diagnosis and wish you all the best for your continuing recovery ❤️‍🩹 You are so right, sometimes I forget that I am actually allowed to want and need things that go against the “norm” (classic people pleaser tendencies!) and need to give myself permission to grow and develop as a person. Really important reminder!

Really encouraging post @Langdale3 - it’s such a mood booster to hear about others who have done it! So pleased it has all worked out so well and a huge well done 👏🏻 And you are very right, I think I have gotten better about setting boundaries (probably because I have lost most of my motivation for my work 😬😬😬) but I need to keep this in check and be more confident defending my personal time!