Is he about to start asking for money?

[Dvdlove]

Or am I looking for problems that aren't there?

I'm a widow of 6 years and tbh have been shocked at the way the world reacts to widows. Everything from women who don't want you near their husbands, to friends who can't fit you into their lives anymore, to tradesmen who see an easy target, married men who want to try it on and single men who think you'll be grateful for anything.

Anyway for the last few months I've been seeing what appears to be a lovely man. Kind, intelligent, attentive, keen to see me and arranges lots of fun things to do. All finances split 50/50. Although I've suspected for a while my financial situation is more comfortable than his, he's always paid his way and seemed to have money for holidays and meals out etc.

He's told me recently that he needs to stop spending so much. This is mostly down to one group of friends who like the high life and drink a lot. We went our for lunch with them at the weekend and spent £150 each. He says he can't carry on like that. I get that, tbh I'd rather not have spent it too, but once the drink started flowing we all got carried away.

I've said that fine we can tone things down a lot. It's easy in the summer to find nice things to do without spending the earth, and I'm more than happy to have a simpler life. It would suit me too in many ways.

There's something playing at my mind, that this might be an opening for him to start asking me to pay for him. I don't know why because, although he's never really "treated" me in the way that some here think a man should, he's definitely never expected me to fund him either. Maybe I spend too much time here and watching documentaries, butn I am very aware that a comfortably off widow could be target of a romance scam.

There's nothing he's done to suggest I can't trust him though...

When I say finances split 50/50 I mean the cost of going out. We don't have any shared finances. We'll either split the bill or work on the basis that you got coffee last time, I'll get it today.

Maybe, maybe not, but it’s good that you’re wise and on the look out for it.

Just take it slow and don’t pay for things for him? Or make a few comments that sound like things aren’t as comfortable for you as he may have thought?

maybe you are overthinking it, maybe something you can’t pinpoint has led you to these suspicions- either way they are valid and you have to act accordingly. Hopefully you are wrong and all works out wonderfully!

If he's paid his way up until now, it doesn't sound like he'll suddenly start expecting you to pay for him. £150 each for lunch is ridiculous, good on him for pushing back on that. I assume these were your friends originally rather than his?

I don’t see how anyone can know, based on the information provided.

I think it's a good thing that you are aware that these situations arise, and that you're on the look out for it. It will be a great safety net to prevent you being taken advantage of.

From the way you've described the situation, I don't think it sounds like that is what he is leading up to. I might leap a little and say it sounds like he could be a bit stingy (because you said he never treats you and is always strictly 50/50, not because of the lunch - £150 is elaborate for most people) but as long as he is not expecting you to make up any shortfall and it's not to the detriment of your lifestyle, that's fair enough.

Whether you want to be with someone who is penny pinching and pulling you away from things that you enjoy, is something worth considering. Perhaps your lifestyles and or/ financial situations simply aren't compatible.

He's capable of having a grown-up, responsible conversation about money? <faints>

Obviously watch for it. But I think I'd see it as a cautiously green flag.

It’s not outside the realm of possibilities and for some reason it has occurred to you, so pay attention.

No, mutual friends. The group that brought us together.

I don't think that sounds suspicious just from what he has said there. Not many people would be able to afford to spend £150 on lunch out. I think at the moment he's just letting you know that he can't afford that kind of lifestyle on a regular basis.

I would just carry on seeing him but be mindful of letting him talk you into lending him money. He might not but it's always best to have an open mind.

I don't think he's stingy as such, but I think he's probably been trying to live a lifestyle that he can't really afford. Partly becuase of these friends who we see a lot, but also because "dating" does cost more than trying home all week. I think he's very aware that he's been spending more than he was used to/should. So have I.

It sounds like he's told you because he expects to pay his own way and that £150 is beyond his usual budget. If I were you I'd be more concerned that he might need to step back from the relationship if you are happy spending that much on lunch - but he's given you fair warning.

Only you can decide whether you can be happy persuing a simpler lifestyle with him, or whether you want and need something flashier.

I think it's unfair to conclude he's going to start asking for money when his reaction to spending £150 was honest and measured. I'd think the same as him. In fact, you have said you would too.

Whilst it's always sensible to maintain a watch for issues, so do that, I think it's unreasonable to draw this conclusion from this one episode where most of us would actually agree with him!

Just keep an eye on it. He hasn't asked so no point getting upset about something that hasn't happened.

I was in a similar situation. All good for the first couple of years (he was retired, I was still working, single mum). Then I was made redundant and he got arsey and told me I was being ridiculous and mean. No support during a stressy time. Not great.

See how it goes.

Yes, that is how I felt initially, glad he'd felt able to tell me and happy to support his sensible efforts to cut back. Then it all felt a bit too good to be true.

I don't know that he's love bombed me, exactly, but we did move from friends to seeing each other almost every day very quickly. That said, if he is treating me as a financial project, he's definitely putting in the hours!

Yeah, in the context you have examined this doesn't sound like a red flag to me. Do you regularly suggest or attend expensive events like this? Because honestly, while I am quite comfortable with spending money on food and drink, I think £150 per head is a LOT and doing that often would be too much for most people.

Planning meals that cost a more reasonable amount seems like a sensible and proactive suggestion from.him.

I've felt that it's all a bit much for a while too tbh, although I do enjoy it and can afford it, I know it's ridiculous, for my pocket and my liver!

He's fine with me going alone if I want to, which I will, sometimes.

£150? EACH? FOR LUNCH???

Bugger me, there's no way I'd be spending that much money at lunchtime, or expect anyone else to pay for me either. No wonder he's saying he can't carry on like that, especially if this lot of friends you socialise with are loaded and can splash the cash willy-nilly.

I very rarely suggest any of the things we spend money on tbh, but I do accept invitations that come my way and so does he. He's more likely to suggest e.g. tickets for an event than I am, but he wouldn't spend £150 on food and drink on top.

Yes, it absolutely does. The trouble is, it won't be possible with this group, he's tried, but tbh once he's had a drink, he's just as bad, so he's realised the only way to stop is not to go.

And what do you want to do? Carry on socialising with these rich friends and spend a fortune, which he has now tried to tell you he can't really afford, see them on your own, expect him to fork out anyway, pay for him as well, or cut your cloak according to his cloth and go to less expensive places?

I'm happy to cut back a lot. I see the women in the group for exercise during the week, so I don't have to cut them off completely and I'll go to occasional things with them on my own.

They were really good for/to me when I lost DH and kept me occupied and out of the house, but I've had a "been there, done that" feeling with them for a while now, and have myself felt that the spending was getting out of hand. Early on I felt it was money well spent as it helped me find a new life without DH. Which could be because I don't need them in the same way now I have new man, I recognise that.

Why have you come to the conclusion this might be a him problem when all your comments are agreeing with what he said?

I haven't come to any conclusion.

He's been lovely, really lovely. After a period of time enjoying being single, and thinking I'd never want, let alone have a relationship again, he's popped up and turned my life over. I guess I'm just worried that it's all too good to be true and I'm being naive. Scared that I could be falling for a wrong 'un.

He just sounds like he’s being sensible with his money or trying to be.