Hen do financial logistics - please help!

[200skies]

Hi all! I'm organizing a hen do for 15 people and I'm hoping you can help with the financial logistics.

The plan is an activity that only half of us are doing (the others don't want to), dinner and drinks at a restaurant, then dancing for whoever wants to. I want us to cover the hen's expenses.

I'm booking a private room at a restaurant which has a minimum spend (£600 that need to be paid upfront). There is no set menu so we'll be ordering off the normal menu. We've booked entertainment there too which is not included in the minimum spend.

So here's the difficulty. I want to get at least part of the money from the hens upfront but not sure how to go about it.

What if I ask for money now to cover everything except their main meal which they can pay for on the night? I mean, it's not fair for those ordering the steak to pay the same as a vegetarian meal.

So a set amount for welcome cocktail, shared starters, wine and beer, entertainment, hen's activity and meal, and enough to cover a few drinks for hen to go dancing. Does that sound fair?

FYI, those of us doing the activity have paid for it ourselves. Is it fair to split the hen's part between all the hens or only the ones doing it?

I’ve run 2 hen dos. Ask for all the money up front eg a high guesstimate. So let’s say the meal is going to cost between 60-80. You blanket charge everyone 80 and then give change back to those owed it. You are in charge.

also I would charge all hens for all the brides share even an activity they opt out of. It means everyone pays a smaller amount which no one had an issue with both times for me.

getting money out of hens is so so hard I learnt first time and aced it the second time (both uk activity weekends away where some people drank some didn’t, some didn’t want to do activities etc) always get the money up front in installments and final amount from everyone before the gen party so you have ALL the money. You will of course pay people pay fairly and promptly as soon as night is over

As there are 15 people I would push the restaurant to offer a set menu, you’re in a private room so people won’t see what they’re missing. That will make it much easier for them & you are more likely to get your meals at the same time.

Have you discussed all costs and prices with everyone, and has everybody agreed on the price?

I don’t think you can ask for all of that money upfront now, people may have got a budget for it monthly up to the hen and don’t have it right now.

I also don’t think you can decide & demand everyone pay for the bride to be. People can, or they can say no.

Firstly you need one payment for the people involved in the activity, that needs to be completely separate from the meal.

600÷15 is £40 each. Everyone needs to pay that up front, this can then be deducted from their bill at the restaurant. But to be honest I think you need to urgently arrange how the bill will be split, don't leave it until the end of the night where there are 15 people who have been drinking.

Thank you all for your varying opinions! We will likely spend more than the £600 and that won't include service, so I'd like to have enough in the kitty so I don't have to get people to cough up for that at the end of the night as well. @ThejoyofNC good point about people having to pay when drunk, and me trying to make it happen! I'd rather avoid that!

Regarding paying for the hens expenses, I consider that a given and don't see how it would work if one person said they didn't want to. It won't be too much between 14 of us.

The hen's activity would only be £3 each when divided by all, which is why I'm considering just splitting it between everyone 🤷🏻‍♀️

It's been tricky to get everyone to respond to simple polls so I'm keen not to get into asking too many opinions as it could end up getting so messy and I really don't have time for that!

I'm leaning towards @Whiteflowerscreed's recommendation of asking for the higher end and paying back anything left. Perhaps I could ask people to choose their main course now and add it onto the main amount?

Re people not able to afford to pay their share upfront, I can't afford to be paying for the whole thing upfront, especially if people pull out later, so I think I should definitely ask for some kind of deposit now, but preferably the whole thing.

Haven't discussed costs yet except for the activity. I'm keen to iron out logistics beforehand.

When discussing the budget when inviting the hens did you say money would be needed as a deposit now? If not I’m not sure you can really ask for it right now, you’ll need to give a couple of months notice. If you did, then yes absolutely ask for the money up front now.

Divide the minimum spend, entertainment and hens treat activities by the 14 of you, as a deposit, then on the day divide the bill by what people actually had. I would push for a 3 option set meal for ease though

No money discussed yet. The hen is in a few weeks. I'd rather not faff around with deposits, etc. if possible because my main concern is never receiving the balance.

Honestly, from my experience with organizing events, I'd rather present it as a fait accompli and those who are happy with it can come and those who aren't, won't!

I'm starting to like the idea of pushing for a set menu.

Message them like this.

“hey everyone, we’re planning to go to X restaurant which has a minimum spend of £40 each. To make sure we have enough to cover [bride] and our other expenses, please contribute at least £15 extra. Thanks!”

Some people might not want or be able to pay extra to cover the bride's costs, it should definitely be a choice. To be honest the bride should be insisting on paying for herself though.

You need to agree a budget with every single paying person before you book- it needs to be affordable for everyone.

You cannot unilaterally decide and then bill people.

Same with paying for the hen, it’s an optional thing and needs to be presented as such.

I also wouldn’t be happy with you just charging a higher cost, why should my money sit in your account rather than mine?

When we have done it we all discuss and agree what everyone can afford, make plans according to that, and agree when payment needs to be made.

That’s not your call to make!

My friend had this is issue with the person who organised her hen do. It’s NOT your day, you don’t get to decide and accept that your decisions might mean that some people who are really special to the bride aren’t able to attend. The most important thing about this event is that the people who love your friend & who she loves are there to celebrate with her, you don’t get to decide “this is the plan, come or don’t”, you discuss and figure out what works for everyone.

My friend was really upset to find that some of her closest friends & 2 family members did not attend her hen because they couldn’t afford it, all because the “friend” who organised it hadn’t bothered asking about budgets and had just said exactly what you said here “this is the plan & cost, come or don’t”. Don’t be a dick, it’s not your day

Oh yes ask the restaurant for a set menu, then ask people to send you the menu price + x for the bride’s share + y for a drinks kitty. Any money left at the end will be refunded in equal shares.

If someone asks why should my money sit in your account rather than mine the answer is: because you are already doing all the organising and can’t risk being out of pocket if people don’t turn up or fail to pay afterwards.

I guess we see things differently. If these were my friends, people would be receptive and forthcoming with their thoughts about activities, budget, etc. and I might agree with you. The few things I've asked so far have been met with silence by a lot of people when they only need a yes or no answer: e.g. this is the cost and details of the activity. Will you take part or not?

I need to book a place ASAP and don't have time to discuss this individually with 14 other people. I've chosen a restaurant on the cheaper side. There really aren't many other options that have space for us unless we go to a fast food place so if they can't afford it, they can't afford it.

Also, re the money sitting in my bank, that's a strange way of looking at things! The hen is in a few weeks, I doubt anyone would begrudge paying £60 now instead of me being nearly £1000 out of pocket.

I really think you have the right attitude. You cannot and will not be able to get 15 peoples different opinions on what the price per head should be and what the event should or shouldn’t include. The negotiations would take such a long time. A hen party organisation is already a full on project without consulting all insivuals on their preferences of every element of the day. I had to say this is the set price for both hens I ran, and to the hens sorry if you can’t make it but this is what the event will entail, I can deduct for activities not taken part in but that’s where the tailor made elements end! Only 1 person couldn’t come to the first weekend based on price (it was £250 and she was hoping for £100 all in, air bnb, 6 meals, 3 events…?!)
You do have to organise for the greater number in the party not change minor details for 1 person you would drive yourself crazy !! (Not talking to you directly to you OP to other posters).
also wtf about people saying you can’t charge the hens for the bride, that is literally how a hen party works?!

I see that we're on completely the same wavelength, Whiteflower! I feel that I've already given them the option of joining different parts of the event (activity, dinner, dancing) according to their budget, but the main event is kind of non-negotiable. I'm going to follow your plan!

Thanks for everyone's feedback! It's been very useful for deciding how to move forward 💐

OP I wholeheartedly agree with you. People who look at interest in these terms just strike me as really mean. Your money isn’t earning that high a % that a few days will make a difference.

No idea where you live and £40 can easily be spent on a dinner for one, we paid £50 per head just last week. However there is the issue of alcohol as a very light drinker I hate bill splitting and subsidising X who drinks like a bloody fish, was a real issue in one workplace I worked in.

Your only issue is with the minimum spend if 1 or 2 say no then that’s suddenly divided by less people. If people pay and then can't go you will be covered but people do have genuine emergencies so if that happens you will look like the bad guy to some. I wouldn’t go to anywhere with a minimum spend private room for that reason. I would do set menu regular restaurant and book the amount and then change the booking according to confirmed numbers.

Also get people to order their own drinks at the bar so if you get an x who drinks like a fish they can mess up their liver with their own money.

I would split the hen's activity between those who are taking part in it.
Get the restaurant to do you a 2 course / 3 course set menu option and collect food orders and payment in advance (it will make life a lot easier for the restaurant too!) then people pay as they go for drinks on the night.
No one wants to be splitting a bill between 15 people after they've had several drinks and IME someone will always end up out of pocket because someone has under estimated how much they drank / didn't realise cocktails were so expensive / forgot to add a service charge, some will want to pay by cash, some by card, others might bank transfer or paypal you the money once you're reminded them 3 times......