Does this seem nt or nd? If nd when would you approach it and with whom and how

[Whenwouldyougethelp]

Dd is 12 and I'm not sure if her attitude and behavior are normal for her age or showing nd traits?

She's gone weird over clothes I don't say this too her of course
She used to always have a strong opinion of what to wear which is absolutely fine but in the last year she has become even more self conscious and will only wear two pairs of trousers and two t shirts all black and baggy and had resisted any attempt to get more clothes, she will order something from amazon and reject it.

She will only wear her hair in one set style and is very self conscious about her hair.

When we are out or in a restaurant (rarely) she doesn't like it she seems very tense and if we play cards or get chatting she will relax a little.
If family friends come over (rare) she will say tings like... I won't be able to chat now etc.
When friends here recently she said after she wanted to take a pic of the sky but couldn't because they were here

She's made some lovely friends at secondary but admits it was down to another mutual friend who made those connections however the friendships are now well established and she's what I would say is normal chatty etc with them

In primary two different extremely controlling girls "got her" for want of a better expression. The first one I believe had two other parent complaints about this child and their dc but by the time my dd had issues it was a different teacher who handled it all really badly
And dd was left petrified the girl would keep telling on the teacher.
They were friends but this girl was over bearing and controlling. We looked at moving schools and then covid hit.

She made more normal friends but another girl whose behaviour I've never seen in a child seemed to control her.
We had endless conversations about how to stand up to her and after what felt like 2 long years maybe less she did
She started to push back and stand up for herself. She was extremely insightful and emotionally intelligent about it all and handled it well in the end.

She's extremely stubborn and will do things but goes from 0 to 10 when asked to do something she doesn't want. Moans endlessly about going or doing something she doesn't want.
In flexible

Doesn't show me any respect at all or say anything positive or nice

Getting her to try anything new or new food is an ordeal

I wonder if it could be adhd because she did something impulsive the other day and slightly injured herself

It's hard to see the wood for the trees and whether it's classic pre teen behavior.

What I find perhaps different form peers is extreme self conscious but is that because the last mean friend constantly mentioned appearance etc?but that's over a year ago now...
Her rigidity with clothes I don't believe it's about the feelings of them.

Hard work going anywhere she will never just fall in and do it even if doesn't want too.

Hopeful bump

Sounds like classic teen behaviour and if it's very rare that you eat out of course she'll be anxious.

Clothes and hair normal for this age.

annoying stubbornness also normal.

That all sounds very normal for that age

Thank you that's somewhat reassuring!

It's not just restaurants it's being around other people out and about she doesn't like it

Your DD sounds very similar to my own DD who was diagnosed as neurodivergent last year at age 17. Girls mask really well and I think that it’s worth keeping an eye on.

All sounds perfectly normal to me. I’d bloody hate to be a teenage girl in this generation. Can you imagine the pressure to look and act a certain way??

Sounds like my niece. She is autistic. A lot of girls tend to “mask” so it comes out later and they end up with anxiety over it.

My niece goes mute if a stranger asks her a question.

She also has ODD. Although some doctors don’t believe in it so will depend on the area to whether or not they would diagnose it.

I recognise some of the traits in myself and my two kids, I have ADHD and autism, both DD and DS have autism. Some is just normal teenage behaviour (I would think self-consciousness about how to look is one) but things like wishing she could have taken a photo and that overrode her thoughts, that sounds like us. My son makes very bad friend choices and gets taken advantage of. My daughter has ARFID and has restricted herself on food. As I have both I can't really tell whether it's ADHD or ASD that makes me also get quite worked and injure myself, but stubbornness/rigid thinking is in my ASD diagnosis. You could see if you could get an Early Help assessment, when we weren't sure what my DS might have we used our local Family Support service who helped us with getting a referral for first ADHD and then ASD. At her age there's a lot of things that could help her.

@lilkitten I'm torn between wanting to see if this is the case but also making her feel even more paranoid that she's not normal

@JayJayj she definitely hides her feelings from a very early age /toddler she would pretend what granny did was OK and come in screaming for what she wanted. But at the time it read that it was normal for a child to be honest with direct caregivers.
But at school she found it harder to advocate for herself but again it's not unusual for children to feel unable to talk to adults like that etc

In public she sort of initially puts on this persona.

Gawd my DD Goes mute in many scenarios. She also will not discuss her body or its functionality. Which is a problem when she has had to be hospitalised.

she also does not recognise or at least articulate pain until she is screaming.

her brother is an ADHDer and Dyslexic.

her parents are both ADHDers (1 diagnosed and 1 not).
a paediatrician has been clear she is autistic she is very like her brother tho so probably both kids would be considered AuDHD.

Trust your gut. It’s likely to be right

A few years ago she started cos playing and doing TikTok’s dressed up. She finds that easy because she is playing someone else but she just doesn’t know how to be herself. It’s obviously easier around family if there is just a few of us but when we all get together she struggles and doesn’t speak much. She is 18 now and she goes to college and does manage. It’s just so much harder for her. If something were to happen she wouldn’t know what to do and would just freeze up.

I forgot about body things! She really struggles with her period (even now at 18). She won’t discuss it. Her mum asked her once if she had started her period and she just said “I don’t know”

If she doesn’t know what to do in a situation she just stands dead still staring. Won’t speak or move.

She struggles a lot as she also has Tourette’s so can end up having a tic attack if in a stressful situation.

I found it a relief to be diagnosed - I'd been made to feel like I was weird and stupid for years, and to find out that I just think differently was amazing. I get in the beginning it feels like an insult - when I was first told that people suspected my DS was ND I felt very defensive - but if there is a neurodivergence then help (and possibly meds) are available. There's also the educational support she could get if she goes to uni - my DP is training to be a doctor, and he also is autistic. He's had support in place for A levels and for all three of his degrees, which has helped him to succeed (he did feel like it was special treatment, but now realises it's about getting parity with other students). And whatever the outcome is, she is normal 😊She's the lovely person she is. It might be nothing, it might be something else that she could get help with, but it would be worth asking I think. My DS originally didn't like that we thought there might be something "wrong" with him, but he cried when he got the diagnosis and said "the teachers won't think I'm stupid anymore"

Yes, pain! DS walked on a broken leg for three weeks as he didn't know! He'd occasionally say it hurt. He also would touch flames, and pierced his own ears (he didn't realise he'd actually done it as he thought it would hurt if the needle went through). He's autistic.

Tonight dd was cold but refuses to put her hoodie on I offered money! Still refused.

Goose pimples on her arm. She's gone v strange about clothes and how she looks.

She's so ultra sensitive if we did take her to see someone and she's not she'd never forgive us

I could talk to her and ask her what she thinks about refusing clothes except two trousers and one t shirt etc and how it's a sign of autism etc

Or just ignore it

Sounds like Autism to me - sorry my son is early 20's and the clothes thing rings a bell. He was like that from as soon as he could talk - liked only certain fabrics etc- hates anything clingy or tight. The autism is strong in our family 3 of my nephews are also diagnosed- both sides of family - DH is too I think and his brother. They all lead fulfilled lives as adults though .It's not the end of the world. All 'high functioning' old fashioned term I know but all have been very successful in their jobs and studying.

@mrsfollowill thank you

I know about clothes sensitively but it's not that she's worn anything before becoming 12.
This is where it's confusing.
I don't think it's sensory lead I think it's self conscious and the rigidity about refusing to get warm in A plain black comfy hoody she lived in last year

Why would you offer a child money to put a hoody on? She will learn soon enough that she will get cold if she doesn't wear a hoody and if she chooses to be cold then so be it, some battles are not worth fighting and this is one of them. Do you offer her money to do or not do other stuff?

Temperature disregulation is very common in autism. My DS will wear Christmas jumpers in summer and not feel hot, my DD hardly wears anything and is boiling (and she really is hot to the touch). Also decision-making - I tend to wear the same "uniform" to work of jeans and a hoody as it feels safe, my DP also does the same

@Oioisavaloy27 no I don't.
Because we were at an event and she was clearly cold, shivering, shuddering a little, arms covered in goose bumps.