I said something yesterday

[Toastsupper]

And feel terribly guilty.

Yesterday, me, DH, 8yo DS and 4yo DS were at an event with friends and their kids. All having a lovely time in the sun. 4yo DS is autistic and extremely hard work. We had to cut the day short and leave early before everyone else as 4yo was misbehaving and causing stress. Me and DH couldn’t relax and hardly got a moment to just sit and chat with friends. I got home and got a little bit upset. I just felt sad that we had to come home and how harder it was for us compared to everybody else. I know I sound like a spoilt brat and I do feel awful.

I said to DH it isn’t fair that we are in this position and we have to put our lives on hold because we have an autistic child. I keep beating myself up for saying this. I love him to bits and feel so, so guilty

I will probably get an absolute backlash for this but increasingly I don’t know how parents and siblings of children with autism cope.

Feeling frustrated at the situation and loving your child are not mutually exclusive @Toastsupper, your feelings are very valid. Don’t be too hard on yourself. You are a great mum, I have no doubt about that. Because what you did yesterday was centred around your child’s best interests really.

You didn’t say it to your child. You are allowed to vent to your DH. You are allowed to feel overwhelmed and stressed. Don’t beat yourself up about it.

Perhaps you can work out a way that you take turns staying at things with the older child whilst the other parent takes him home?

That way you each get some peace from the relentlessness, your elder child gets to play more and your younger one isn't overwhelmed.

don't worry about it, I'm sure you're not the first parent to have an imperfect reaction to stress, autistic kid or neurotypical kid!

You love your ds, that's the main thing x

But you're right @Toastsupper, it isn't fair! And it's ok for you to feel way. That doesn't mean you don't completely love your son. You're just recognising that life is harder for you that it is for lots of other parents. It's ok to want things for yourself as well, like time to relax.

Please don’t be so harsh on yourself. One of my DC has autism too and also a severe, long term ED. They need 24hr care and I have lost count of the times I’ve thought ‘why us?, why can’t we do normal stuff that other families do?’

The other night I had to go and sit upstairs in a dark room for half an hour and cry because it was all too much.

It’s absolutely relentless and you have to give up your whole life for them and you deserve to wallow in self pity occasionally.

It must be really tough and I don't blame you for thinking it is not fair. But thinking it is not fair does not make you a bad mother.

(also you did nothing wrong by venting. You love your child but you're likely depleted and exhausted, there's no shame in that)

You should be able to vent to your DH and seek support when things get difficult. No one has a perfect life and it’s ok to say that life isn’t easy.
Maybe be kinder to yourself?

You don’t sound like a brat. It was a completely reasonable thought to have. It’s not fair. It doesn’t mean you don’t love your DS, just that you are a human, with limits. Give yourself a break.

It’s ok to feel like that. I’m a teacher and often think how hard it must be for parents. You’ve done nothing wrong. Be kind to yourself.

I have 3 autistic children and believe me I’ve had moments of self pity! It’s less day to day and more thinking about the future, knowing my chances of kids fully flying the nest, being able to build a real career have essentially disappeared. Most of my (very small) circle of friends are parents of SEN children with high needs, we let off steam to each other as we all ‘get it’. I’ve never met a parent of a sen child who doesn’t love their children fiercely and are so protective it’s actually caused themselves much emotional pain. It’s ok to recognise the struggle, it doesn’t make us unloving parents.

Thank you all so much. You’ve made me feel less guilty. It’s so, so hard. I think yesterday was just the tip of the iceberg.

Could you look at childcare options so that you can have a little time without your younger child? It's a sign of strength to recognise when things need to change a little.

YANBU and it’s ok to acknowledge it.

There’s nothing bad about you and DH having a moan to each other every now and then, as long as the kids don’t hear and it’s not just one of you constantly moaning at the other.

Its a fact that some people who have disorders or disabilities cannot always do what everyone else can and it’s shit but it’s reality.

Going forward, I would make a plan where you go but take in turns where one of you leaves early with your DS and the other gets to stay and enjoy themselves stress free.

Be kind to yourself OP, it’s tough.

Thanks, I definitely need to be kinder to myself. I feel awful for feeling like if I could change things I would. Not DS but his struggles. Sounds naive but I never thought this would be the life I would have. Don’t know if anyone else felt like this but as time goes on I start to worry about his future. He’s only 4 so no need to think too far ahead but I do

My sibling has a profoundly autistic teenager. It pretty much consumes her life (she is a single parent - father has no contact with them). She has infinite patience and I don’t know how she does it. It isn’t fair. But life isn’t (my DH passed away suddenly when our kids were 4 and 6 and I often looked at other two parent families with envy).
You are allowed to feel this though and don’t feel guilty. Imagining how life could have been - totally normal.