Stranger danger - when/how to start talking to kids?

[Mazlor]

I have a 4 year old and a 2 year old. Our garden is alongside a busy footpath with a low fence (can't be heightened) so they approach everyone who walks past. Mostly people are happy to chat back to them.

There are obviously benefits to chatting to people in terms of helping them with social skills and confidence so I'm not keen to stop them. But I'm basically teaching them that all humans are safe and friendly. So should I compromise somehow? Like tell them to only chat to people they know/only people I talk to first/something else?

How did you handle the balance between stranger danger and being sociable at this age? I don't want to scare them with the truth.

I think it’s great that they will chat to people. Just remind them that they should never go off with someone no matter what they say and do a bit of role play to practice saying no.

I once met a family on holiday that I’ll never forget. The children would not make eye contact or speak and if anyone said hello they would stare at the floor. They weren’t shy - their parents had taught them to never speak to strangers. Even in front of the parents?! I felt so sorry for those kids.

I had a list of rules: what to do if you lose an adult in a busy space; tell a parent if you get an uh-oh feeling; your private parts are yours etc. I looked for a book on safety rules and found a US based one which was great. Rules applied from about 2 up. My kids now travel on trains alone and trust their instincts about people

Can you create a second fence a foot or two back, to give a distance barrier as well? Nobody can reach in and snatch them, and they may be disinclined to chat to everyone as a result

Role play is a good idea. I wonder if there are any story books which talk about saying no to strangers - I might have a Google.
A second fence isn't an option unfortunately due to garden set-up. Don't want to be too descriptive as it's probably a bit niche.

How did you handle the balance between stranger danger and being sociable at this age?

At this age, 2 & 4, you don't need to as they are too young to understand, and presumably they are always supervised by an adult.

Need to be careful not to phrase it as stranger danger

@crumblingschools I wasn't going to use that phrase, no. But curious why you warn against it specifically; has it been replaced by another phrase?

@Westfacing yes they are always supervised. But at the moment they would probably happily trot off with anyone who gave them a biscuit, and they think everyone is lovely. When the biggest is aged 5 next year do I suddenly say "actually some people are bad so you need to be careful etc etc". Surely it's better to start introducing the idea of family/friends Vs strangers now, rather than all of a sudden?
I'm asking because I don't know what the norm is in terms of how much they can cope with understanding at various stages of development. You say that 4yo is too young to be told anything at all, but a pp says she told her 2yo all about it. A huge difference! I'm just trying to gauge a norm.

My DD9 will talk to people but she nows not divulge where she lives, surname, school, surname etc if they are strangers.

I think I've had many conversations with her about this from being around 4 or 5, especially not to go off with people no matter who they say they are.

Also discussed how her 'private parts' are only for her and no one else to ask to see or touch them. Her school did sessions around this too

You say that 4yo is too young to be told anything at all,

I never said any such thing - I said they are too young to understand, in response to your asking of how you handle the balance between stranger danger and being sociable.

I'm reminded of the story of a young boy in the US a few years back, can't remember his age but around eight, who went missing in the forest on a camping trip. He was gone for quite a few days but turned up safe and well thank goodness.

Turns out he had heard people on the search calling his name over the days but didn't respond as he was scared - having been warned by his parents not to go with strangers!

You talk to them about tricky people https://thegentlecounsellor.com/talking-to-your-child-about-safety-strangers-tricky-people/

Years ago now, my then 4 year old DD was told at playgroup that you do not talk to strangers. A year later we had to move house and she was sad to be leaving her friends behind. The conversation went like this.
Me, cheer up DD I'm sure you will make new friends at your new school.
DD But Mummy, they will all be strangers and I'm not allowed to talk to strangers.
From then on we changed the instructions. Yes you can talk to strangers but you never go anywhere without telling the person looking after you where you are going and who with.
So please be careful what you teach little ones

Thanks everyone, this is all really helpful. Tricky people is a much better phrase! I will use it to search for good books to read with her.

Hi I realise this an old thread but I have a 3 and half year old old who is extremely friendly & very chatty to everyone and anyone and I have the same worries about how to teach her not everyone is a good person but also don’t want to scare her in her confidence did you find any books that helped her understand or help teach her this. Thanks