What to do when DD8 shuts down / has a meltdown

[SpinningTops]

DD probably has some kind of neurodiversity but she is increasingly shutting down and I don’t know how best to help her.
I don’t always know the reasons and she can’t tell us why it happens.
She’s currently face down on the floor with her fingers in her ears. If we try talk to her she pushes us away. More often that not she baracades herself in the room and hits the floor when this happens.

What will happen is it will build to a meltdown where she’ll cry for an hour and that’s almost easier because she lets us near her then. Then all will be ok again. She is the most happy girl when this isn’t happening so it is hard to spot why it’s happening.

It’s this shut down where I feel I should be doing something to help but don’t know what.

Are there any experienced parents or even parents who go through this that can give some advice.

First of all, make sure she has a safe space where she can shut/melt down. If you can see it coming you can try and avoid it either by teaching her self regulation tools, or by reducing sensory input - ear defenders, something calming to watch etc. In the middle of it , keep your tone calm and soothing. No demands, no questions like what’s wrong, what do you need , how can I help etc. Depending on what she needs (and this is a trial and error thing as every child is different)you can say something like “I’m here when you’re ready to talk” and just sit next to her and let her come to you. Or gently rub her back/leg. Or do the rubbing and make soothing and reassuring noises . Some kids prefer the sensory input of a hug and no noises. Some will actually need to be left completely alone. You’ll have to try different approaches and see what works. Don’t take it personally if she rejects you/your touch/your words. It is what it is. Talk to her when she’s calm and happy and see what she thinks might help, ask her , if she can remember how it feels when you do x,y,z and whether you should do it or not.

Leave her to it, and then comfort her when she’s calmed down. Don’t attempt to manage her outbursts - she needs to find her own off-ramps and you’ll likely prolong things or reinforce that she can’t manage her emotions.

Thank you both.

I guess that makes me feel more confident that it’s ok to just let her get on with it. It goes against my instincts but I think it’s what she needs.

I do sometimes try and talk her out of it but I could try stop that too to see if it helps.

I’m going to get her a weighted blanket to try as she likes to curl up under the duvet.

I've found talking to my DD a while after a meltdown can help, so when she's calm and not feeling overwhelmed. We can then talk through how she was feeling, although she struggles to explain it all and it's taken a few years to get her to be able to vocalise it all.

I'm hoping to get her to gradually know what might help her in the moment. She's early teens, and I'm thinking ahead to when she leaves home and how she can cope with the overwhelm.

Leave the talking until later.
Anything else you can do to make her feel safe and loved might help.
eg a pillow for her head

Just leave her there. She's trying to minimise sensory input so talking to her and asking questions will just make it worse. Try and keep things quiet and calm and basically ignore her, horrible as it sounds.

She sounds like she's trying to block out all sound and stimulus so giving her more to process doesn't help. Our instinct to try and help actually does the opposite in these situations.

My DD used to find sipping iced water helped her settle down after a meltdown.

Let her calm down in peace (I assume she’s safe?) and talk to her later.
I am autistic and people trying to talk to me when I’m feeling very overloaded just makes it worse. I end up lashing out (verbally) when I don’t mean to.