I really can't do this...

[Icexream]

My neighbour has died. 91yo, in good health and very active until the last couple of years, when there have been live in carers. We've been neighbours for 20 years, not close, but she was lovely when DC were young, always sent lovely Christmas gifts and poked lollies through the hedge in summer!

Her daughter has sent a beautiful card inviting me to a celebration of her mother's life to be held in her beautiful garden. (I.e. next door to me).

I'm not great in social situations when I don't know people anyway. I won't know anyone there and I didn't really know the deceased very well. I'm embarrassed that I wasn't a better neighbour when her health started to decline, but that coincided with my DH's long traumatic illness and subsequent death, which is all still very raw.

I can't go to the celebration (which sounds lovely), but also I'll be at home next door on the day....

Are you unable to leave your house?

If you're housebound you could just say you're unwell.

If you're not, you could say sorry but you have plans that day and go out.

If you really don't want to go, even for a short while, you dint have to. You also don't have to feel like you weren't a good neighbour, you weren't close and it doesn't sound like you acted unkindly or unreasonably.

I think you should send a lovely card back, thanking them for the kind invite, and perhaps sharing the nice memories that you shared in your OP about your neighbour. Say that sadly you are unable to attend but that you will remember her fondly and you were lucky to have had her as a neighbour. You don't have to explain further. Avoid using your garden during the event.

I’d start by saying what a wonderful woman your neighbour was and how deeply missed she will be. Add how lovely she was with your children and they’re memories you will cherish. However due to own difficult personal circumstances at the moment you will sadly not be able to attend, but they will all be in your thoughts that day.

And you also have nothing to be embarrassed about, I’m sorry you’ve been through such a horribly difficult time op.

Some lovely replies here OP.
It was an invitation and by definition you are allowed to decline.
A card sharing the memories of feeding your kids, and politely declining sounds perfect.

It sounds like you were good neighbours : she enjoyed living next to you & your family. Don't beat yourself up about not doing more when you were at full capacity yourself.

The invite has probably been sent out of politeness because she knew her mum was fond of you and also a gathering might cause some disturbance in the garden. It would have been impolite not to invite you. I really don’t think you need to overthink this. Just send a note/message saying that she was a lovely neighbour but unfortunately you won’t be able to make it, but will be thinking of her. You don’t need a reason or justification in this situation I don’t think.

Write her a condolence letter saying what you said in your first paragraph? A line or two about the kindness her mother showed and the fond memories you and your children have of her funny through-the-hedge offerings, but as you are grieving DH (I’m sorry to hear that) you are not in the right place for attending a memorial. Attach it to a small bunch of flowers and leave it for her if you don’t want to talk about it. I wouldn’t feel insulted if someone suffering a recent loss of their own didn’t want to come, I doubt she will either. I had to go to a funeral a couple of months after my mum died and it was far harder than I expected it to be.

PS. Don’t feel embarrassed. A lot of times we wish we’d done more but there’s only so much any one person can do. She sounds like she had a lot of love in her life and you need to be kind to yourself.

Nobody will be offended if you politely decline the invitation. Can you go out for the day? Visit one of your children, go to the seaside, drive into the countryside? Take a book and a flask of tea, park in a lay-by and have a good cry if it helps.

Id explain about your own bereavement and explain that you couldn't cope. But send a gift, a card to the dc, and a letter to your neighbour thanking her for everything and explaining why you couldnt be there due to your own difficult circumstances ❤️

Its okay, just do your best, and I'm sorry for your losses xx

I think you should go. You don’t have to stay long and sometimes it’s good to forget ourselves.
I’m not much of a royalist, but in situations like this, I say to myself “What would the late Queen do?” (Who never put a foot wrong).
I said this to myself on the morning of my DHs’ funeral and it was a help.

I understand OP. I am in a similar position and don't attend funerals as I can't cope with them at this point in time. I find just being straight up honest with people works best for me. "Thank you for your kind invitation. I am very fond of person and (share nice memory or aspect you liked about the person). I would love to be able to attend but due to trauma I still have after my DH passed away, I find I can't cope with funerals at the moment." Then I make sure I am there to support in other ways before and after the funeral. People are pretty understanding.