5 yr old DS anger

[FuckedOverByBuilder]

I’m after some help please with my DS who is 5 (he has younger brother also)

No SEN or anything and I would say he’s usually a happy, social boy who can be a bit bossy but otherwise nothing unusual. I worry sometimes he’s a bit over sensitive but I think as he gets more confident (currently in reception) he’ll build resilience.

My issue is that probably 3/4 times a week we have episodes where he gets really angry to the point he’s almost shaking. It’ll be over something small that escalates-this morning it was because he didn’t want to get dressed and wanted to carry on playing.

This escalates to the point he’ll stomp, knock things over and throw things around and be rude to me. Nothing OTT but ‘I don’t have to listen to you’ type things. I tell him firmly it’s not acceptable and there’s always a consequence.

He then wants a cuddle to calm down and I tell him it’s ok to feel angry but it’s not ok to throw things or be rude. We then have 30 mins of tears as he’s so upset that I’ve got cross with him and he asks if I still love him etc.

The cycle is the same every time.

My question is- is this normal and just pushing boundaries? And how can I help him overcome this anger without going through this cycle every time.

I should add for background that my DH is very involved and we parent pretty much the same. It’s not an angry household with lots of shouting but we are both firm. We tell each other we love each other a lot (both each other and kids) and I like to think we talk about emotions openly.

Thanks-he’s my eldest so each stage is new for me!

I think it sounds normal and like you are responding firmly and kindly in the aftermath. The only thing I’d suggest is checking how you are feeling during it all. Like you may be saying to him ‘it’s ok to be angry’ but the real feelings underneath could be quite different, according to how you were parented. By this I mean lots of us were raised with any anger we had being completely shut down, so when our kids become angry it can feel quite triggering in a way, like feel quite threatened and as if it’s more of an emergency than it is. And kids pick up on that stuff. I have definitely experienced that and while I tell them it’s ok for them to be angry, it’s hard to ‘be with’ that anger at times as I just want to find a way to make it stop. So really the message given is it’s not ok. I’ve found it helpful to name what’s going on - ‘you really don’t want to get dressed’ ‘it looks like you’re feeling really angry’ etc. Or naming your feelings ‘I’m getting a bit angry now so I’m going to pop away for a minute to calm myself down’ kinda thing.

I don’t know if any of that is helpful and I don’t manage to tune into my kids every time, it’s a work in progress and I think naming all the feelings in real time helps regulate both them and me.

Thanks so much for taking the time to reply.

I definitely also grew up in a fairly emotionally stunted household. Loving parents but never said I love you, I’m proud of you-I never saw them argue or cry. So I perhaps go a bit OTT to do the opposite and show both boys that having feelings is completely normal, but it’s how to express them that takes some learning.

How I feel in those moments sort of flips. A lot of the time I am the epitome of calm and I really do just sit there and let him ride it out but firmly tell him hitting/throwing etc is not on. But I do also get VERY angry with him when it goes on and he’s rude to me. I very rarely shout but in those moments I really want to scream back in his face. I tend to move away from him in those moments and tell him I can’t be around him when he’s talking to me like that, then take a pause and go back in.

Naming feelings has worked in the past and I’m not sure why I didn’t think of it to be honest!! It’s been a while since we’ve used it. I’ll try that going forward

my my main concern was that these angry episodes were a sign of something else bubbling under the surface but perhaps it’s just him learning to express himself

At Least I know he does care and is aware of the upset it causes as my goodness the tears afterwards go on and he’s so upset that I’m cross with him. He’s a typical first child who hates being told off or doing anything wrong, loves to be told he’s well behaved/good at something so it really really upsets him when I do tell him off

It sounds like a lack of emotional regulation skills, which can be age appropriate - all children differ in the age they pick things up. But if it's causing problems in day to day life it might be worth trying to work on it in a bit more of a targeted way? I'm sure there are lots of resources aimed at emotional regulation training for kids of this age which you could try out. And if this doesn't help then it might be worth speaking to your GP and/or the school. A lot of schools have social-emotional learning programmes that they follow which might be helpful to ask about so you can reflect any of these concepts or metaphors, characters etc they use at home. Many of them use things like colours, animals, elements etc to explain things to children because the actual brain terms are a bit more scientific, so it helps to use the same language.

Does he have a particularly busy routine/day of the week he tends to get cross?

my DS2 (also in reception) can get a bit like that if he is tired/hungry.