How do you manage work when facing a family member's terminal illness

Totallybannanas · 2025-05-06T22:51:58+00:00

My dad has stage 4 cancer oesophagus cancer, he lives alone and things are getting a bit tough right now. Although he is mobile, emotionally he struggling to be alone due to regurgitating, especially at night. He has been in hospital the last few days and I've been up there everyday, I'm exhausted mentally and emotionally. I'm not sure how long he has, but he can't keep water or anything down, so he will need a stent and then a course of radiotherapy to help improve quality. I work in a school so have 10 weeks left maybe I til summer. Can I get my doctor to sign me off? I'm not going in this week, but guessing I can self certify or just take it as compassionate leave.

Whatatodo79 · 07/05/2025 02:25

I am sorry about your dad. You need to speak to your employer. As you say you are eligible for combinations of compassionate leave, sick leave with some initial self certification (you will need your GP to agree you are unfit to work I think) and possibly other things that may be mentioned in your contract, and the choice of what you use depends on how you feel ( can you concentrate at work, are you sleeping etc) but any reasonable human will be looking to help you out here. It's difficult though as you say when there is uncertainty and thus could go on for weeks and a few months.

mnistooaddictive · 07/05/2025 02:33

Has he been referred to the palliative care team? They will support and may know of local organisations who can support. Towards the end, he may need to go to a hospice.

when my mum passed away I had 8 days off looking after her at the end. 7 were paid. I did have to go back almost straight away afterwards but it meant I was there when I needed to be.

Original poster

Totallybannanas · 07/05/2025 10:30

mnistooaddictive · 07/05/2025 02:33

Has he been referred to the palliative care team? They will support and may know of local organisations who can support. Towards the end, he may need to go to a hospice.

when my mum passed away I had 8 days off looking after her at the end. 7 were paid. I did have to go back almost straight away afterwards but it meant I was there when I needed to be.

He will be but they said he isn't at that stage yet, so it's just to get to know him. I'm just so overwhelmed, I know I will have to do most of the care and I'm terrified. He has always been fit and healthy, so to see him frail and vulnerable is upsetting me. I don't know how fast these things can happen, but the lack of being able to eat and drink is a major concern. I work school hours, my employer has said get signed off sick. Would I be best to just get signed off until the holiday period, then get new one when we are due to come back or an continuous one?

OP posts:

Original poster

Totallybannanas · 07/05/2025 11:00

Whatatodo79 · 07/05/2025 02:25

I am sorry about your dad. You need to speak to your employer. As you say you are eligible for combinations of compassionate leave, sick leave with some initial self certification (you will need your GP to agree you are unfit to work I think) and possibly other things that may be mentioned in your contract, and the choice of what you use depends on how you feel ( can you concentrate at work, are you sleeping etc) but any reasonable human will be looking to help you out here. It's difficult though as you say when there is uncertainty and thus could go on for weeks and a few months.

Thank you,

OP posts:

caringcarer · 07/05/2025 11:28

When my Mum was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer I gave up my teaching job and went down to live with her and my sister did the same. DH managed my older DC at home. I came home every 2 weeks for 3-4 days. I had expected Mum to live for about 4 months but she only had 6 weeks left.

Holdonforsummer · 07/05/2025 11:29

Sorry you are going through this. Has your workplace got an Authorised Leave/Sick leave policy? Might be worth a read. Good luck.

BigDahliaFan · 07/05/2025 11:32

My friend's employer let her take long compassionate leave while she was caring for her terminally ill mum.

As a Govt body we've let people take long term leave as well.

You need to talk to your employer and explain clearly where you are in terms of care for your dad and what you want to do.

OttersAreMySpiritAnimal · 07/05/2025 11:59

My employer has a carers leave policy which gives me 3 hours of extra leave for caring for a dependent. When we did 6 weeks of daily radiotherapy for my DH I took a mixture of holiday and carers leave to reduce my hours each day. Since then I've done the same for all the hospital appointments. We're in a period of monitoring right now, my plan when we get to end stage is to agree reduced hours with my employer on an indefinite basis. Then when he passes I'll be entitled to a couple of weeks compassionate leave and I'll take holiday too. I need the income so can't resign, and it's not sick leave according to our company policy. I'm very lucky that my company and my manager are supportive, and I have a team that I can delegate to as long as I'm organising who is doing what for me. Plus we have a bit of flexibility in our hours, so I can take a longer lunch break for some hospital visits and make up the time in the evening. That's what I did when he was recently in hospital for a week, visited during my lunch break for a couple of hours, then again after work, and worked after dinner.
Unpaid leave is also an option but I haven't had to use it yet.
You've said you work in a school, I'm not sure how flexible they can be as never worked in a school myself, but I would see if you can do reduced hours until the summer holidays. That's got to be better for them than you going off sick and the job just not being done? Just have a chat with them and see if you can figure out something that works for you both.
Good luck, make sure you look after yourself too, you can't pour from an empty cup.

Octavia64 · 07/05/2025 12:01

Speak to your line manager.

my school were very helpful when my dad was dying. They offered compassionate leave and shuffled my classes around so when I did come back I had a very light timetable.

there are a lot of options here and your line manager may well be very sympathetic.

LeeHarper5 · 07/05/2025 12:09

I worked in a school when my parent was diagnosed with cancer. I was the one needed to take them to appointments most days. My doctor signed me off as not fit to work due to stress.
I was off 4 months caring for them and then a further 2 months after they died. I worked for my local council and was paid my full pay. My employers could not have been kinder and I went back on a phased return too. I felt really guilty at the time for being off work but now I’m so glad I was able to.
I’m so sorry you and your family are going through this.

GoBazGo · 07/05/2025 12:17

I’m very sorry for your situation. It wasn’t possible for me to keep teaching once I found out a very similar prognosis for a family member (they were 48 yrs old) I was in shock and couldn’t process anything or remember anything anyone said to me. How could I stand up and teach teenagers in that state?

I took half a term’s sick leave. HR offered me 2 days. They got a supply teacher in and it was the best decision for everybody- including students.

Macmillan can help in terms of palliative options. Maybe Marie Curie too? Your Father’s care team at hospital should be able to put you in touch.

x

OttersAreMySpiritAnimal · 07/05/2025 12:31

Sorry, too slow to edit, that should say 30 hours of carers leave, per year.

Parkmama · 07/05/2025 12:59

Your GP can sign you off unfit to work due to stress. Check your policies as your employer may have a compassionate / dependents leave policy which might cover what you
need but if not, see your GP

MissHollysDolly · 07/05/2025 17:37

As a rule of thumb sick leave is more generous than compassionate leave. You have to get your gp to sign off on it though.

vdbfamily · 07/05/2025 17:58

Hopefully over the next few days you will find out more. In hospital they should be liking at his care needs and discussing with you how they can be met. If he is struggling at night and needing physical assistance, it may not be realistic for you to provide all his care as you will need to sleep. Hopefully you will get support and advice from his palliative team. He may even be entitled to CHC funding for his care needs and you can then just visit regularly to spend time with him rather than have to do all the care. I hope you get some more answers soon so you can plan but I would agree that if you are unfit to be at work you need to get signed off.

babyolivebean · 07/05/2025 18:38

I’m so sorry you’re all going through this OP. When my mum was diagnosed with terminal cancer, given 3-6 months to live, my GP was more than happy to sign me off. They were actually really lovely and helpful. I moved back home to care for her until she passed away 3 months later. My line manager was less than sympathetic (NHS), said she could only give me one day off, the day she dies. I actually already had a new job lined up who were absolutely wonderful and I also did a phased return for a month after. This is time you won’t get back with your Dad, do anything you can to be together and make the absolute most of the time you have with him.

Original poster

Totallybannanas · 10/05/2025 20:23

LeeHarper5 · 07/05/2025 12:09

I worked in a school when my parent was diagnosed with cancer. I was the one needed to take them to appointments most days. My doctor signed me off as not fit to work due to stress.
I was off 4 months caring for them and then a further 2 months after they died. I worked for my local council and was paid my full pay. My employers could not have been kinder and I went back on a phased return too. I felt really guilty at the time for being off work but now I’m so glad I was able to.
I’m so sorry you and your family are going through this.

Can I ask did you know how long they had left when you took sick leave? I've been an emotional wreck all week, dad had been in hospital and had to have a stent fitted so there's no way I could have gone to work. He's lost neaua stone in a week. I've been given 2 weeks off be the doctor, but I can ask for more. This will give me more time to get him home and get things in place and reassess the situation. Since dad had a stent he seems to have picked up, so now it's just a case of helping put weight back on and build him up for radiotherapy. Part of me wonders of I should be having time off now or later done the line. I think it's important I can attend meetings and be available should he become well.

OP posts:

luckylavender · 10/05/2025 20:54

caringcarer · 07/05/2025 11:28

When my Mum was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer I gave up my teaching job and went down to live with her and my sister did the same. DH managed my older DC at home. I came home every 2 weeks for 3-4 days. I had expected Mum to live for about 4 months but she only had 6 weeks left.

Marvellous that you did that. Not everything can.

caringcarer · 11/05/2025 05:39

luckylavender · 10/05/2025 20:54

Marvellous that you did that. Not everything can.

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DH was perfectly capable of caring for DC and foster son for a few weeks. My sisters did the same. Our Mum deserved our best care and love for the time she had left. As a teacher I easily got another job after she had passed.

luckylavender · 11/05/2025 07:11

@caringcarer - not everyone is in such a fortunate position. In the last 16 months I have lost both my parents. I'm an only child & live over 200 miles from them. I've covered a lot of miles. Work full time.

caringcarer · 11/05/2025 10:36

luckylavender · 11/05/2025 07:11

@caringcarer - not everyone is in such a fortunate position. In the last 16 months I have lost both my parents. I'm an only child & live over 200 miles from them. I've covered a lot of miles. Work full time.

I loved 174 miles from my Mum so 300 mile round trip. That's why I stayed with her.

ThisReplyHasBeenDeleted · 11/05/2025 14:28

@Totallybannanas

I know someone who was a teacher and in a somewhat similar position. She was signed off from work in March with stress and continued to be signed off until July, but returned to work for the three days before the school closed for summer holidays, thus keepiing her full sick pay entitlement.

Then she was signed off again the day before school started in September, which meant her 'sick leave' period restarted and she remained on full pay until she returned to work the following February.

Sometimes you do what you have to do.

LeeHarper5 · 20/05/2025 23:10

Totallybannanas · 10/05/2025 20:23

Can I ask did you know how long they had left when you took sick leave? I've been an emotional wreck all week, dad had been in hospital and had to have a stent fitted so there's no way I could have gone to work. He's lost neaua stone in a week. I've been given 2 weeks off be the doctor, but I can ask for more. This will give me more time to get him home and get things in place and reassess the situation. Since dad had a stent he seems to have picked up, so now it's just a case of helping put weight back on and build him up for radiotherapy. Part of me wonders of I should be having time off now or later done the line. I think it's important I can attend meetings and be available should he become well.

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Sorry OP, I didn’t see that you’d replied to my message. No I didn’t know how long he had when I started sick leave.
When my Dad was diagnosed they were very optimistic about treatment and a successful outcome. He had two courses of chemo and was about to start his third when he was given his terminal diagnosis, he died 10 days later. I would’ve dropped to half pay after 6 months.

Definitely attend appointments as the patient often misses a lot of what’s said and it’s an opportunity for you to ask questions too and perhaps gauge a time scale from the oncologist. My school preferred me being off for a continuous period as the insurance kicked in to pay for supply cover, it wouldn’t have if I’d been taking days here and there for his appointments.
I hope you are ok. 💐