I just don’t understand how this was ‘rude’ ?!

Bu22 · 2025-05-06T19:31:32+00:00

FIL popped round with about 15 minutes notice and at kids bedtime. Kept kids up, offered him some of our dinner, tea, coffee etc (felt I had to). He declined and just sat and chatted whilst we ate. After we finished eating I started washing up and cleaning the kitchen whilst DH and his dad were on the sofa continuing their conversation. After about 10 minutes of cleaning, DH came into the kitchen to tell me how rude I was being by cleaning whilst his dad was here. Now perhaps it would have been rude if it was a planned visit at a more practical time but I have two children to still put to bed and don’t fancy coming down to a sink full of dishes and a dirty stove top. What a fucker. I’m fuming.

Crinkle77 · 06/05/2025 20:37

FIL was rude to call round at tea/bed time.

ToKittyornottoKitty · 06/05/2025 20:38

Next time leave DH to clean up when FIL has gone

shellyleppard · 06/05/2025 20:41

Your fil was the rude one for calling at dinner time. My fil used to do this, always offered him some food but he refused. Then sat watching us eat 🤢🤔

WhatNoRaisins · 06/05/2025 20:42

Not rude. If you're the sort that drops in you have to accept that life has to go on otherwise you plan visits.

TheSparkling · 06/05/2025 20:44

I think it's your dh who is out of order here. Fil calling round wouldn't have bothered me, nor would cleaning up after tea while dh and fil chatted in the lounge.
It's your dh who is rude and unable to understand how your evening works.
It's a different story if fil has commented though...

Keroppi · 06/05/2025 20:47

Not rude at all
Why does your DH think you need to drop everything and 'host' his dad :s
If family can pop in and out and have that sort of relationship they need to understand you do your normal jobs around them and it's more homely a visit, as opposed to being waited on

ANiceBigCupOfTea · 06/05/2025 20:49

You're not rude at all.
I love my ILs but they know if they want to sit down for a catch up they call in on a weekend night. If they call in on a weeknight/work night, we're making dinner and doing the bits we need to do.
I'd hazard a guess your DH saying it was rude was man speak for 'come in and entertain my dad as I can't be bothered'.

EilishMcCandlish · 06/05/2025 20:52

This depends on your family. My in-laws would be ok with cleaning going on around them. My parents not so much.
Neither is right or wrong, just different.

Does your husband not want to look bad because you were cleaning up while he sat and chatted?

ISpyNoPlumPie · 06/05/2025 21:02

EilishMcCandlish · 06/05/2025 20:52

This depends on your family. My in-laws would be ok with cleaning going on around them. My parents not so much.
Neither is right or wrong, just different.

Does your husband not want to look bad because you were cleaning up while he sat and chatted?

See I do think one of these is wrong. How do your parents expect you to host them without being able to do any of the stuff? Should other people - even family, be able to dictate how and when you do stuff in your house? It’s not a deep clean, it’s tidying up after a meal you’ve made (is making a meal ok??). I really don’t like visitors to add more stress and demands. Happily my parents are very relaxed and would likely be the ones tidying up (or certainly helping) if they came over for a meal.

OP, I agree with @ANiceBigCupOfTea, rude DH, trying to get out of having a chat with his own Dad. I often leave my DH to catch up with his parents when they stay. In fact I often take the opportunity for an early night!

EilishMcCandlish · 06/05/2025 21:21

ISpyNoPlumPie · 06/05/2025 21:02

See I do think one of these is wrong. How do your parents expect you to host them without being able to do any of the stuff? Should other people - even family, be able to dictate how and when you do stuff in your house? It’s not a deep clean, it’s tidying up after a meal you’ve made (is making a meal ok??). I really don’t like visitors to add more stress and demands. Happily my parents are very relaxed and would likely be the ones tidying up (or certainly helping) if they came over for a meal.

OP, I agree with @ANiceBigCupOfTea, rude DH, trying to get out of having a chat with his own Dad. I often leave my DH to catch up with his parents when they stay. In fact I often take the opportunity for an early night!

Show quote history

They are/were just old fashioned. Tidying plates to the side fine, but all effort in hosting was always behind the scenes. It doesn't make it wrong. Your way is fine if that works for you. What is rude is thinking that anyone who does things a different way to you is automatically wrong.

NeedyExpert · 07/05/2025 07:36

I turned my fil away at 7.30pm as I have a 13 month old, husband works away for weeks at a time. He just tried to walk in house and made a comment that it was early. Always turns up at lunch and tea time, it's a control thing that I will not participate in. Husband agrees with me. You are not wrong op! Xx

SelinaPlace · 07/05/2025 07:43

EilishMcCandlish · 06/05/2025 21:21

They are/were just old fashioned. Tidying plates to the side fine, but all effort in hosting was always behind the scenes. It doesn't make it wrong. Your way is fine if that works for you. What is rude is thinking that anyone who does things a different way to you is automatically wrong.

Show quote history

If you’ve shown up uninvited, with 15 minutes’ notice, on a weeknight between dinner and young children’s bedtime, that’s on you, though — not on your hosts to devote themselves to entertaining you. It’s completely different to jumping up between courses at a dinner party to start scrubbing pots!

Nopersbro · 07/05/2025 07:43

You weren't rude. I would have tried to keep the children's bedtime as normal - maybe say "ten minutes to say hello to Grandpa and tell him your news!" then off to bed.

Whether or not I then abandoned my plans to hang with FIL would probably depend on (1) if I knew FIL wanted me there - I'd normally suspect that an uncharacteristic drop-in might mean he had something urgent to discuss with his son - or both of us, but I'd be cautious unless asked to join in and (2) whether I knew FIL would leave at a reasonable time and that my husband would pitch in so we both cleaned up ASAP after FIL left even if it was my turn to do the dishes.

IAmNotALoon · 07/05/2025 07:48

If they wanted to chat to you they could have come into the kitchen and offered to help, that's actually the polite thing to do. I suspect your FIL was not bothered by you clearing up though, its just your DH being weird.

Ddakji · 07/05/2025 07:52

Does your DH not like being with his dad? Whether I had chores to do or not, after a bit of initial chitchat I would always leave DH with his mum or dad so they can catch up together.

CiaoMeow · 07/05/2025 07:53

In my fantasy world I wanted you agree with DH, pass him the dishcloth and scoot off to chat to FIL.

But, no. If people drop in, they take you as they find you. YANBU.

Greenartywitch · 07/05/2025 07:55

So he turns up uninvited, at a time when you are dealing with kids and chores and your husband thinks you should give up everything to chit chat with your FIL?

Men's entitlement will never cease to amaze me...

andtheworldrollson · 07/05/2025 07:56

you could more reasonably argue they were rude leaving you to clear up by yourself - I’d be furious

IAmNotALoon · 07/05/2025 08:05

In my family one or two people will always disappear to clear up , leaving the others to chat. If the others are being polite they will offer to help and just be grateful when the offer is declined because it means they can relax and chat. The idea that you kindly clear up and then get in trouble for it is frankly outrageous.

DappledThings · 07/05/2025 08:07

Not rude at all.

RickiRaccoon · 07/05/2025 08:34

It's impolite to turn up at a meal time with no real notice. I think it's fine to do the clear-up after when it's not a scheduled social visit.

Deckings · 07/05/2025 08:42

Not rude at all of you but rude of him..
The cheek of your husband.
Next time it will be "No it doesn't suit."
Is your husband a twat usually?

CurlewKate · 07/05/2025 08:43

“I’m just going to get the dishes done,Fred. Would you like to do story time?”

honeylulu · 07/05/2025 08:49

I don't think that is rude. You would have ended up doing chores late into the evening if you'd sat around talking to a uninvited guest.

If we have guests that are hanging around longer/later than expected one of us will happily stay chatting but the other will go and clear up. We don't want to be clearing the kitchen at midnight or, even worse, coming down to the mess in the morning.