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Complex relationship with unfulfilled mum?

2 replies

PoppyBaxter · 06/05/2025 17:27

Does anyone else have a complex relationship with your mum?

I get on well with mum, by which I mean we never have fights. But that's because I manage my exposure to her, have lived several hours away since I was 18, and keep my business to myself.

I would say she is unfulfilled. There are many aspects of her personality and how she talks about things that point to this.

She can't really be happy for me, no matter how hard I've worked for something. She never seems pleased for me.

She's very judgemental and negative - she hates the general public and, it seems, most of her friends (but she has many, I don't know how!) Everyone is fat, stupid, loud, has no taste, and generally just isn't as smart as her. She would say she's a feminist but would be shocked that she actually comes across as someone who hates women - every woman is "fat arse", "bony arse", "motormouth", "gobby" (you get the idea).

Despite thinking she's terribly cultured, she's actually quite provincial and won't show an interest in anything beyond her small sphere of knowledge.

All of her conversation is structured around who has cancer, who needs a new hip, who's bought a new car, who's gained a lot of weight, who's got a big payrise - ie, it's all silly gossip.

We have NOTHING in common. The way in which we see the world is totally incompatible.

She's also nosey and tries to find out information on what I earn (I'll never discuss it) and has become quite money obsessed, and loves playing the "poverty stricken little old lady" card, despite having a comfortable final salary pension and very low outgoings (she saves every month).

We are stuck talking about what we've eaten that week, as its the ONLY shared common ground between us.

It sounds like I can't stand her - that's really not the case and I'm only focusing on her negative traits here.

But I'm increasingly finding it almost painful to spend time with her.

Can anyone else relate? How do you manage it?

OP posts:
PlanetOtter · 06/05/2025 20:10

Sort of similar, here. I get on very well with my mum at a surface level but I would never, ever have a deep conversation with her. She’d belittle my feelings then tell everyone she knew about it.

She is brilliant with my kids and I love her. But I’m resigned to the fact that the deepest conversation we will ever have is ‘Tesco vs Sainsbury’s’ or ‘was the tube busy’.

Ive just learnt to rely on other people for anything more emotionally complex!

PoppyBaxter · 06/05/2025 20:26

PlanetOtter · 06/05/2025 20:10

Sort of similar, here. I get on very well with my mum at a surface level but I would never, ever have a deep conversation with her. She’d belittle my feelings then tell everyone she knew about it.

She is brilliant with my kids and I love her. But I’m resigned to the fact that the deepest conversation we will ever have is ‘Tesco vs Sainsbury’s’ or ‘was the tube busy’.

Ive just learnt to rely on other people for anything more emotionally complex!

Yes that sounds exactly like me and mum.
What's on offer at Aldi, have I eaten yet and how is my new hoover performing are pretty much our topics.
We can't even talk about the weather as I'm outdoorsy, whereas she hates the outdoors and hates all weather - too hot, too cold, too wet, too windy, too humid, too bright. She once complained that a beautiful beach was too sandy!
Solidarity!

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