Staying together for the kids?

[Catsandcannedbeans]

I recently did a thread about things your parents did that you won’t do. Some were silly and some were really sad. But one thing that did come up a lot was “staying in a toxic marriage” and staying in a loveless marriage.

For context, my personal experience is my mum did stay with my dad for a few years because she really loved him, but when he got drunk and left me sleeping in the pub under some coats and the landlady had to ring her, she left him. He doesn’t drink now and they actually get on fine. My kids just think they’re mates which can be funny - we were hugging goodbye at Easter and my DD5 said “now Nana and grandpa hug!”

I have friends who are staying together for their kids and the kids definitely know.. even the younger kids. I also grew up with people whose parents were just together for the kids. Aunt and uncle counted the days till my cousin left home so they could split, palpable destine for each other. I remember going to their house after school and being anxious all the time, because they just fucking hated one another. I’m sure some people can be more amicable than them, but surly if you can be amicable then you can co parent effectively?

If your parents stayed together for the kids, what impact did it have on you and especially your view of relationships? I remember being sad when my mum kicked my dad out, and scared because she was so angry I’ve never seen her like that since or before. When my ex was being horrible to me I remembered if my mum can bin him off, I can bin this loser off. So as bad as it was I think it was a positive thing.

If you are staying with your husband for the kids (or vice versa I know there’s some men here), why? Finances seems like the obvious one, but if it’s not that what benefit do you think being in a two parent household has for your kids that makes it worth it?

I’m not trying to be judgmental I just want to know. I don’t think me and DP would be in that situation but no one ever does and you never know.

My mum stayed for me. She felt she genuinely had no choice. My dad was abusive to both of us and also lazy. I also loved him immensely and despite it all, I was in constant fear of them getting divorced. Looking back it probably would have been a good thing, however it would have created other problems no doubt - no situation is perfect. My dad is dead now. Whilst my mum and I are very close, I feel like she thinks I should be “grateful” that she stayed “for my sake”. I am not. I often had to walk on eggshells, I had no idea what mood my dad was going to be in. After one incident I stopped inviting friends back after school. I was forced to step in and mediate my parents’ arguments from a young age. I quickly learnt that I had to take my dad’s side otherwise the argument would escalate and that’s when the violence would start. It was horrible but I felt I had to try and protect her. The worst memory I have is when dad came at my mum with a knife. I probably am making him out to be a monster. Like I said I really loved him. He had been through some traumatic experiences at a young age and was possibly abused himself.

I’m afraid I did grow up with very low standards of men and relationships and for years I just went out with men who showed an interest. Basically, because they didn’t hit me they’d do. I allowed myself to be treated badly and none of them were really suitable for me. I also still struggle to invite friends over to my house.

I even married one of the unsuitable men and had children with him. He was never abusive but he was lazy and so similar to my mum I ended up having to earn 90% of the income, do 90% of the housework and 90% of the parenting. and I got sick of it. I started to resent my now exh and I didn’t want my children to grow up thinking it was normal for the woman to do everything. One of the final nails in the coffin was when exh roped dc1 into an argument were having. That’s what my dad used to do. I knew that us splitting was inevitable so chose to do it when the children were young, this way my dc2 has no memories of us being together and dc1’s memories are vague. When I was at school I remember one of my teachers saying that girls often take the same path as their mothers. Even then the idea horrified me. I decided that that was not going to be my life. My mum often tells me that I married my dad. Without the abuse it’s very similar. Obviously I do not regret my children. But when people “other” my children or treat them differently or give sympathetic head tilts when I tell them I am divorced I want to scream. There are worse things than having divorced parents. As an aside my dad was divorced and my half siblings have never got over their parents breaking up. Their mother taught them to be the victim in every situation. That is not going to be my children’s lives. They do not need sympathy from anyone. I feel sorry for the women who are unhappy in their marriages but do not or cannot leave. I do not allow myself to feel sorry for myself or my children. That way leads to disaster.

I’m 37 now and so far have not had a suitable relationship with someone on my wavelength and I don’t know if I will ever have it now. If I don’t, I feel like I will have missed out on that. That probably sounds quite doom and gloom, I know 37 isn’t old but it’s hard to date as a single parent especially when the pool of suitable men gets smaller and smaller.

Thank you for starting this thread and letting me offload this crap x

I don’t think I was staying for the kids as such, was just in a state of denial about how bad things were.

I licked my H out when our 15yo DD had the courage to tell me how badly his behaviour affected her, her MH and the entire house. He’d gaslit me for a long time to the point that it took me hearing it from my DD to believe it.

i guess what im saying is that you seem to describe it as a conscious process to cling on in an unhappy marriage when often it isn’t. So please factor that into your analysis, op

Kicked ffs what a typo!

@cadburyegg thank you for sharing. That really sounds horrible. It’s great you left your ex husband after you saw the same patter tho, a lot of people let it go on and on so I’m sure your kids will have a much better standard and a much happier life. my mum didn’t meet my now step dad till 62, so you never know and he is great, doesn’t even leave a cup in the sink. He is a widower, so in a way, the pool gets smaller and smaller but then bigger… morbid but true.

Kids not having to live between two homes and not having to deal with new partners/stepparents/step-siblings/half siblings are two reasons for staying together other than finances.

Very true. I did get a few half siblings from my dad but we did all live close because his family and my family lived in the same town. I was always a bus ride between my mum and dads house, could walk it in less than 30 mins. The only reason I left is to go to uni where I got a scholarship, but there was no reason for anyone else to leave the town/ city and for a lot of families this is different.

My parents stayed together long after they should have split. The main reason was because my mum was a SAHM and was clearly a bored housewife so had affair after affair after affair. Her affair partners always let her down so she stayed aa she couldn’t afford to leave. My dad refused to move out as he didn’t want to leave me and my siblings with my mum and the affair partner.

Everyone knew my mum was having affairs and she was a total embarrassment to me as a child. Kids at school taunted me because of her behaviour. She finally found someone stupid enough to take her on and left to live with him. We all breathed a sigh of relief.

Her behaviour has had a huge impact on my life. I can’t stand flirty behaviour and actually
couldn’t flirt if my life depended on it. I’ve never had a relationship that’s lasted very long. The longest I managed was 3 years. I just don’t know how to have a relationship. I’ve been single for over a decade now and have made peace with the fact that I’m just not relationship material. My dad is long dead. My mum is still with her affair partner and we’re LC as she lives 2 hours away.

I wouldn’t advise anyone to stay in a relationship for the children. The damage on the children is horrendous.

@JustGotToKeepOnKeepingOn that is horrible and sounds like hell on earth. Getting bullied awful as it is but I can’t imagine that.