Is there really a ‘wrong’ reason to have dc??

[Uptome]

Surely everyone has dc for their own personal reasons and no reason is wrong? It could be someone just has that maternal urge, feels broody? Perhaps they were an only child and want to have more than one? Maybe they just really love children? I feel like there are so many reasons as to why anyone has children and all are valid?

I was in foster care for a long time as a child and made the decision quite early on that when I was in a relationship I would have a large family. Someone asked me today why I decided on such a big family and was shocked when I said because I haven’t got a relationship with any of my family and want to build a big family network myself - she said ‘isn’t that a bit toxic? Using children to fill a gap in your own life?’ I replied that I don’t think so at all and how it’s lovely to have a full happy house and she said ‘well just be careful as they may feel pressure to be what you want and need rather than themselves’?!!!!

I can think of a few bad reasons to have children. Being in a bad relationship and thinking that having a child will fix it, for instance.

Having children intending for them to look after you later in life is wrong.

I worked with someone who had kids and said it was to stop her DH leaving her, guess what...

Yes that’s very true

I can see that yes that wouldn’t be a healthy reason as well. Clearly there are some questionable reasons

Oh no , that’s so sad . I think after 3 responses yes I can now see that there are definitely some situations where it isn’t the best idea. I guess I hadn’t really thought of those sort of things I was just shocked at someone questioning my reasons !

I think if you really consider the question there are likely more wrong reasons to have a child than there are right ones .

I guess it depends on what your definition of “bad” is. Having children is an entirely selfish decision, so some would argue that it’s inherently “bad”.

There are a lot of wrong reasons to have children including saving a relationship, it’s what the other parent wanted, to give an older child sibling, to have grandchildren, to care for you in old age and you were coerced into it. It’s a child, a whole person and you should bring that child into the world for their own merits.

Have as many children as you want but have children based on the reality and not the expectation in your head. You have this image of a lovely big family in your old age but there are a lot of children that don’t keep in touch with their parents. You should have children because you want to, regardless of how it works out. There are so many reasons not to have kids (cost, time) but those reasons don’t matter if you really want one, you’ll always find a way round those reasons. They are excuses when you don’t want a baby and just an obstacle when you do. Have as many children as you want and can afford but make sure each time the reasons not to is just an obstacle not an excuse that you’ll just ignore anyway.

I think there definitely are wrong reasons, but I wouldn't have classed yours as one and I think the reaction you received was inappropriate and excessive.

Maybe they misinterpreted what you said or it just hit a nerve for them because of their own personal experiences.

Presumably you want your children to have a big family network for themselves too, by being part of a big family (rather than just supplying a network for you, which might be how the person construed it)? Plenty of people have big families for that reason.

The person that said that is very insensitive. To listen to someone explain about their fragmented family arrangements that were hurtful and then dismiss your decision to have kids as 'toxic'?

There are a million relevant reasons to have children, and the same number not to. Each person shouldn't have to justify it.

I guess you hear of people doing awful things to their children, like the Wests. I guess those types of people might have kids solely to abuse them. But normal people would always want the best for their kids. Even if they were not planned.

So just ignore them. X

Of course there are wrong reasons to have children. Honestly I think when you’re getting to 3+ most of the reasons are wrong because it’s not in the pre existing children’s interests, I think their needs should come above whatever other reasons the parents have.

So many reasons. It’s ultimately selfish to have children, especially children that you haven’t the time, money or space to look after properly, and having worked with fostered children I’ve got dozens of examples in my head.

I think someone's reasons for TTC children are much less significant than how they love and provide for them once the DC are actually born, which might not reflect those original feelings and motivations much at all. Though the circumstances children are born into may still be less than ideal of based on those original motivations (e.g. PP mentioned someone who TTC to save a failed relationship).

This.

Honestly I can probably think of more wrong reasons to have children than right reasons.

So many people now just think of themselves, “I want a baby”, with very little thought to what that baby will need, want, and what they are able to provide, it’s really not good enough to just want one.

Spare parts for a sick child. For financial gain. For the grandparents. To try to fix a problem from your own childhood that your children are not responsible for.

I wouldn't have said your reason was bad. Actually I quite like it. It goes with what my fil said "I loved being an only child; but I wouldn't want to have one." He also recognised that there were times being able to bump ideas with people in the same situation (eg parents' illness etc) was invaluable.
You want children because you recognise that a family is important and you want them to have one. That's great and you'll be a great Mum because you will prioritise the family (but don't forget that you're important too!)

Reasons that have made me uncomfortable have been:
One lady I didn't know well, but she loved being pregnant, but really wasn't keen on the result. So every time one was born she was pregnant again within about 2 months. When I last saw her she had three under three that she at best neglected
emotionally and was pregnant again.

Other one is a couple of people I've know who clearly have had children in that they see them as possessions. You know: "This is my mansion which we only paid £x for, this is our new car and this is our perfect child who is best at everything". The child either grows up feeling they've failed every time they're not perfect or that they are perfect.