Please help me to redesign my life

[InNeedOfARefresh]

Have name changed as this is quite personal. I need the help and wisdom of MNetters to help shake up my life and get me out of my current funk.

I'll start by saying that I may or may not be depressed. I don't really want to take antidepressants but will consider it if that's the best option. I'm currently awaiting counselling on the NHS.

I am currently finding life very hard. I lost my mum quite suddenly a few months ago and now have significant caring responsibilities for my dad. I have an empty nest and an interesting but very stressful full time job. Lovely DH who does his best and helps a lot in practical ways but not great at emotional support. A small number of very good friends.

I just feel lost. I'm very unfit and overweight and need to sort that out. My house is a terrible mess and I'm overwhelmed by it. I spend most of my free time looking after my dad, and feel completely depleted the rest of the time so I don't really get to do very much for myself.

The current situation doesn't feel very sustainable. I am constantly on the verge of tears and struggling to find motivation. Waste a lot of time on pointless Internet surfing or playing stupid games on my phone.

I would like to improve my mood and my physical health. I would also like to make more friends and have a more active social life. And I want to find a way of balancing the care for my dad with what I need for myself. Preferably without feeling horribly guilty.

I have a few ideas. Was wondering about signing up for sessions with a personal trainer. Good idea? I have joined gyms before but generally drop off after a few weeks. I wondered about doing a residential course to learn how to swim... something that I have never mastered. Or maybe joining a choir of some sort. Perhaps volunteering in some way. (I'm already a charity trustee but was thinking of something maybe a bit more hands on). I'm already trying to go out for more walks etc.

Does anyone have any advice for me, please?

Just to add, I have been thinking about establishing some sort of morning routine before work that might include some exercise and meditation etc. It needs to be easy and achievable though, as I won't stick to it otherwise.

I need to clear out my house but feel too overwhelmed to get started.

I'm trying to eat more healthily when I can. And trying to get more sleep but I really struggle to maintain good sleep habits.

I'm a bit addicted my phone, which is a habit that I need to break, but there is a part of me that isn't yet willing to try.

Personal trainer is a terrific idea. Get them to design a workout plan that you can continue with even if you don’t keep up the sessions.

Learn to swim! A residential course sounds amazing - a real boost for body and mood. I'm cheering you on!

Thank you both for your support.

I'm struggling to find as many residential swimming courses as there were when I first looked at them a few years ago.

I have identified a couple of personal trainers that I quite like the look of.

I’m really so sorry to hear about your mum.

What is your longterm plan for your dad? My dad died suddenly and I became mum’s main looker-afterer and it was really stressful and ate up all my spare time. If you feel out of control, guilty, tired, washed out, i’d look at getting support for your caring responsibilities because they only get harder, not easier.

A very easy simple first step you could take, in fact you could do it right now, is put your phone down for half an hour a day and go out for a walk.

You have a lot going on and things need to change.
You don’t say what your current financial situation is as paying to get a few things done might help.
Is there anyone who could help support you with caring for you Father ? Can you look at options for getting some caters in a few days a week.
With your house can you afford to get someone in to help.
It’s hard when you are feeling overwhelmed but try to take baby steps as small changes can often make you feel so much better.

Aldi meant to say put a time limit on your phone helps tremendously.

You should organise a needs assessment for your dad with social services and if he is over the financial threshold, organise carers to help.

You can afford therapy if you can afford a personal trainer. You can find therapists on BACP.

Get your husband to pull his weight.

Recommend taking small steps. Much easier to keep going with small changes.

The Michael Mosley guy who died last year had a good podcast on BBC Sounds about changing one thing - just one small change at a time. They are all still available and can maybe give you some ideas.

On the podcast topic - they can be great for motivating you for a walk. Find a series or two you like that are 30 mins or so and then instead of scrolling or TV, pop in some headphones and get out for a walk and listen to something interesting or just some nonsense that would be the equivalent of scrolling for the ears - but at least you'll be walking at the same time.

For other exercise, there are now some apps out there that are free or low cost such as Lazyfit. You can get a workout that is something like 10 mins a day. That's achievable for 80-90% of days I would think? It's easy to do from home - no time wasted going to/from the gym and not a huge commitment. If you can keep it up for a month, then go for something more like a personal trainer, but in the meantime, you'll be getting into a routine and feeling better about exercise.

Low commitment and small changes are usually the winners in these kind of scenarios. Bigger changes and life overhauls are much harder to stick to and we carry a lot of guilt if we miss/have to cancel/feel overwhelmed.

For the sleep, another recommendation on BBC Sounds (also found on other pod platforms) is the What's Up Docs series. There was a recent one on sleep that may help.

Wow, thank you so much for all of the suggestions. I really do appreciate all of them.

I know I need support with my dad. I'm working on that at the moment but he is a bit resistant. DH is doing his best to help so that it doesn't all fall on me.

Setting a time limit on my phone sounds really helpful. I need to figure out how to do that!

@NoNewsisGood , I think you're right about committing to something small in the first instance, and then thinking about the personal trainer idea if I manage to stick to the commitment.