Just noticed today, that I’m always too modest and always shrink myself down, how do I stop this bad habit

[ShrunkInTheWashAgain]

Always playing down my achievements etc in order to not make anyone else feel bad
that type of thing
it’s not like I suddenly wanna start boasting but just stop shrinking myself down

Thank you yes it’s worked I’m going to listen to that on my morning walk
thank you

I look in my emails before I send to check I’ve not said stuff like ‘don’t worry if you can’t do the thing I’m asking about’ or similar and I’m trying to teach my DDs to take up space too in a polite and considerate way. It’s hard.

That’s a really good practical tip

unsurprisingly I often say no worries if you can’t…. Before I ask something

no pressure ….

I lived in the USA for a while and learned to say oh, thank you if someone says something flattering, admiring. Initially I was oh, this old thing / oh, I'm not really that good etc but they were flummoxed - so just say oh, thanks - if someone compliments you.

I was brought up that you should never, ever be proud of yourself or boast about your achievements and was told that it was extremely bad manners to show off like that. Pride was one of the 7 deadly sins and was to be avoided at all costs. Being pleased about what you saw in the mirror was particularly sinful apparently.

When I look back at all that now, it is blindingly obvious how wrong it all was, but I gre up horribly shy, self-conscious and perpetually embarrassed about what other people thought of me.

I had the same sort of upbringing and grew up the same.

I was also struck by this sentence from @ShrunkInTheWashAgain "Always playing down my achievements etc in order to not make anyone else feel bad".

I've always hidden my light under a bushel - for example I have a PhD but am too shy & embarrassed to ever style myself Dr even though I worked hard for the qualification. It sounds ridiculous but I often pretend not to be good at things that I am quite skilled at because blowing my own trumpet is so boastful.

It really is crazy

I think it may be a mechanism that you've learned because people don't react well to anyone being proud of an achievement

Like tall poppy syndrome

I have had two friends from abroad comment that there is too much "doing yourself down here"

One used to live here, recently visited, and felt unable to tell her old friends about recent achievements. She said to me that she feels she has to apologise for having money and success. Her success came a bit later she's in her 60s. I'm delighted for her, but I can certainly see that some people are not. And I can't understand why.

I recently decided to be more straightforward and tell people if I was proud of something I had achieved. Even my friends just look at me blankly. And my family just think it's no big deal.

I am not at the top of my profession, I suppose and perhaps they feel I am pleased with something minor

But what seems like a small achievement to other others may seem like a big achievement to me. And I do think we have a culture where we don't share it.

I'm not suggesting we go back to the 80s and behave like wideboys and show off and stuff but I definitely think there is something in our culture that makes us almost ashamed of success

I can't work out where that happened

I recently decided I want to cut back on social engagements to have a last big push on my career - inspired by My friend in her 60s. And I don't think I'm going to tell anyone. I might look for a business mentor.

I still remember what my late DM said on the day I started work in my very first job - "Don't go trying to be clever dear'.

That's the kind of thing my mum would say.

Whenever we went out anywhere when I was a child - to visit relatives etc - there was always a pep talk beforehand about not showing off etc. Looking back I wonder if my siblings and I were really obnoxious, loud , show-offy children who had to be constantly reigned in. I don't think so though because I also remember very clearly that people were always being told "MissMarplesNiece is very shy" before they'd even had the chance to speak to me. I must have been a constant embarrassment to my parents with my unpredictability - one minute so shy I couldn't speak, the next minute singing and dancing and showing off my knowledge of dinosaurs or whatever.

I was also a teenager at a time when teen magazines told girls that "boys don't like girls cleverer than them". I think I imbibed that lesson too.

I don’t think there’s anything wrong with being self-deprecating. As you say, you can accept compliments, so what’s the issue?

We have our American friends’ (mostly lovely) teens staying here right now. Modest they are not! I am not keen on boastfulness, I find it really unpleasant.

On the accepting compliments thing, I try to think of them as a lovely gift someone has given me, and that batting it away would be like throwing the gift back in their face.

Also, if someone expressed a liking for something else I would never say, 'you're wrong, it's horrible'.

Teach yourself that the only reply to a compliment is a smile and 'Thank you.'

When asked about something you excelled at, describe the process with enthusiasm, not the outcome. It's a way of not putting yourself down without boasting.

E.g. If someone says: Wow, you ran the marathon/won best cake in show/got that promotion/achieved great marks in that exam/look fantastic in that dress

learn to reply:

'It was such a great day, worth the training/ I discovered the secret is to use espresso coffee to flavour the coffee cake/I'm so happy; I've wanted to move into product development for some time/The questions I hoped for came up/ thank you- I love this shade of blue.

Yes it’s that type of don’t get too big for your boots mentality

this has actually been a very useful conversation with some good ideas and just nice to talk to others that get it
makes you feel better for that alone

There's that "Pride comes before a fall" mentality too. My mum had a thing about if you told someone about something you'd done well, then they would wish you bad luck, give you a sort of evil eye, I suppose. Very strange really, so if someone asked how you'd done in an exam, for example, you couldn't say "I did really well, I got A star", you had to say "I did ok" so they didn't wish for you to fail next time. That kind of thing gets into your psyche.

I’ve only just found this thread, love it.
I’ve noticed if someone pays me a compliment on what I’m wearing I’ll always say “Sainsburys” or whatever if it was cheap, as if to do it down.
My DD has many international friends at uni and has found them all much better at being clear about what they’re good at as well as direct about what doesn’t work so well

That said, I do also really dislike people who are full of themselves or boastful - it’s a fine line!