I need dating advice….urgently

[ThePerkyCoralPoet]

I hate myself. I’m single and honestly it hurts my heart that I still am. I was cheated on by my ex if 5 years who is still with the same woman. Happy and living life. I’m a little autistic so I’m direct and honest. I tell every man.

my dating life has been really awful for a couple years. Sometimes I just stop. Last date I went on was probably 6-7 months ago I just needed self reflection time to revaluate. I hate the dating apps too. But I don’t know how else to date. It’s just full of sleazy men.

I started speaking to a guy and I hate myself for this but I often self sabotage as a trauma response from being cheated on. I was on a date once and kept calling him a player he got annoyed and said “the date is done” and took me home for some reason and wouldn’t let me get a taxi. Maybe just concerned for my safety idk.

Then I was messaging a man just recently, and he said “I’m looking for short term but I’m open to long” I said okay so are you actually on the same page as me wanting something kind of serious. He said well maybe depends on the vibe of the date, maybe we can be friends if nothing else. I don’t want a friend so I said “just be direct I want something committed and you don’t seem to know what you want. I get the impression you would mess me around” he said “that’s rude I’m going to respectfully cancel” I said “fine no issues you’ve made no effort to text me and get to know me”

I know I self sabotage but at times I just get fed up of being the way I am.

You need therapy

I remember your previous thread, not sure anyone can say anything that will be helpful to you.

Your first line is - I hate myself - I would start there with therapy as PP suggested.

What advice are you looking for?

Get therapy of some sort? You’re not in a good place to be dating.

There are a few issues here. Firstly, why do you hate yourself? If you are not confident about your own self and what you bring to a relationship, it's hard for you to project that during dates. Secondly, being honest is good but your expectations seem quite misplaced. The 2nd guy wasn't entirely wrong when he said it would depend on the vibes on the date to see whether there is a romantic potential or not. Your response was a bit forceful, expecting him to make a decision right away. You have to be more open and flexible while online dating.

Some conversations I think are better to have in person. Asking what type of relationship someone is looking for before you’ve met them is maybe not helpful? I found meeting for a quick coffee - somewhere public - after a few messages was helpful. Then if you click you have a chat about where you go from there. Try not to get too invested at the messaging stage.

Maybe it’s just because I’ve been flaked on before and I just possibly wasn’t entirely interested in this one but also wanted to protect my heart a bit. I’m very fearful of dating.

Stop dating and work on your mental health. Get therapy to help you get over your past. Once you’re happy with yourself then try dating again. Maybe find some hobbies or groups to go to where you may meet people similar to you?

I’m in the spectrum too and find dating hard, relationships are even harder. To be honest my mental health is much better when I am single.

The thing is, having a boyfriend cheat on you at some point in your life is pretty normal. I'd go so far as to say that it happens to most people. You haven't been especially victimised, and I don't know why you would go around telling every prospective date about it. That seems over-dramatic, and I'm not surprised that it looks like a red flag to they guys you are meting. Calling it a trauma response is a step too far.
The choice is yours, trust people or don't but being rude and verbally aggressive isn't going to get you anywhere.
Maybe some kind of therapy might help.

So don't date until you're happy.
Your happiness can't rely on others

It just sounds so miserable. Dating should be enjoyable most of the time. You hate yourself, you hate the apps, you hate dating. It's not compulsory.

I'd look for some kind of creative practice. Art, music, singing, gardening, woodwork, knitting....? Something positive, less verbal, full of happiness. Find something you'd never say that you hate.

It sounds like you’ve misread the situation a bit and what is acceptable to say and what isn’t.
Sometimes I think it’s probably better not to give away too much information too soon. Take time to listen to what they’re saying, no need to tell them loads of personal things about yourself. And take time before making a judgement of someone.

Do you have some friends who you could talk to in real life?

I agree.

having a man sleep with multiple women over the span of the final Two years of a relationship isn’t normal. It’s not healthy. He also got someone else pregnant and was still sleeping with me. If is traumatic. I’m not a victim. If I played the victim card id tell men I’ve been through this. Yet I don’t

Thank you x

You hate yourself, you’re annoying people you go on a date with and others are calling you rude before they’ve even met you.

You’re on a road to nowhere here. It’ll be death (of your self esteem) by a thousand cuts if you remain on dating apps. I’d run a mile if someone came at me with the level of intensity you’re hitting those men with.

Therapy, definitely. You should be nowhere near a date with anyone right now. In the future, go for it, but not right now.

Take a deep breath.
Relax.
You don’t have to date the first guy who pops up on your screen.
Chat with them. Be friendly. Don’t press them. Don’t be critical of them or yourself.
Talk about the places you like to visit and the foods you like and ask him the same thing.
Talk about books and hobbies and movies.
Talk about everything.
You don’t have to marry him and he isn’t going to cheat on you just because your ex did.
This guy might not be a match and the next two might not either, but a man will come along who’s just perfect for you. He might not even be on the dating site - you might meet him at your friend’s birthday party or at the shops or even at your mum’s neighbor’s house.
Just relax. Deep breaths. You’ll be okay.
Keep telling yourself that you’ll be okay.
It’s not a sprint. It’ll take awhile, but you’ll get there.
I promise. ❤️

But you said “ I tell every man.”
Im sorry if I’ve misunderstood what you are saying, and I’m sorry you’re having such a hard time.
The fact that your ex is a cheater doesn’t mean that all potential dates are. Don’t force yourself to date if you don’t feel ready for it.

You come across as being afraid of vulnerability which is understandable after being so hurt.

Being cheated on can be very traumatic and can strip away your self esteem. You come across as quite angry.

It's okay to be upfront about what you want. If you're only looking for a long term relationship then that's easily sorted in the chatting stage. However being rude and irritating people won't get you very far.

Yeah if you re read the post. I tell every man I’m direct. Not that I’ve been cheated on.