WWYD - Should we stay or relocate?

[AcidZumba]

I’m going round and round in circles here and could do with some strangers’ unbiased opinions!

Asking for opinions/ advice from people I know is useless, as those in the new area rave about how wonderful it is (partly because they’d love us to be closer) and those in my current area say ‘why would you want to leave such a beautiful and safe place?’

We currently live in a rural part of the UK. It’s pretty, safe, reasonably friendly. We have to drive everywhere. We have no family nearby and I have no support from anyone really. At times I feel really lonely. DH works away a lot, I struggle at times. I wish I didn’t, but I do.

DCs are in primary school. The school is very sweet and rated ‘good’. There are a few niggles but the DCs seem happy. I have a few school mum friends (possibly more like acquaintances) but don’t have anyone that I see super regularly or would feel that comfortable calling in an emergency.

We have a chance to move back to nearer where I’m from, over 100 miles away, to a very large town. Where my brother and family lives. The area they live in is reasonably nice – mainly Victorian housing, large parks, good (albeit much larger than we’re used to) schools, coffee shops, nice pub, Waitrose etc. There are instances of (really) anti-social behaviour. Reports of muggings once in a while. The town centre (which they’re a few miles from) has gone downhill a bit in recent years, there’s a drugs problem and it’s looking a bit run down. We wouldn’t be able to get a house that is as spacious, and we wouldn’t have a large garden anymore.

What would you choose?

• Amenities close by
• Busier in general, heavy traffic etc
• More crime, drugs etc
• Very good secondary school
• Close to family
• Smaller house, small garden, surrounded by neighbours
• Stretched more financially

Vs.

• Driving everywhere, on quiet country roads
• Safe, rural, quiet, village living
• Poorer secondary school (although improving)
• Large house with a big garden and space.
• Not near any family
• Not as pressured financially

If my children were happy and settled in school i would be extremely reluctant to move them, happy school kids are becoming a minority sadly

I couldn't live anywhere where I had to drive everywhere, I'm suburban through and through and like to be able to walk! As your kids get older you will forever be a taxi service and the hours of taxi-ing will get increasing unsociable until they can learn to drive and then you'll sit up worrying until they come home.

Thank you both. I should have mentioned we have quite an outdoorsy life here. We walk and cycle a lot in the local area (there's just no shops or anything really close by). For young children it's been idyllic but yes, teenage years could be extremely boring here!

I would move. Family and friends - close supportive trusted networks - make you happier and will be good for your children so you and DH aren’t the only trusted adults in their daily lives.

And think what’s best for the teen years. They’ll arrive before you know it.

Also think about what your children need at different ages: eg, 12 (wide array of activities and clubs, calling on friends), 14 (access to first independent steps - going to cinema, shops on their own, catching the bus), 16 (first Saturday job?), 17- later years.

If they live back with their parents as young adults where will most opportunities be? If they go and settle somewhere else will they be more likely to visit their old folks in a place that has other draws and more going on?

Don’t make your decision based on needs of young children - as those early years will soon fly past. And prioritise your own happiness as that’s key to a happy family and a sustainable marriage.

Hope these opinions help! Good luck.

Thanks @EdisinBurgh that's really good advice. Relocating is bloody scary but maybe it's worth it in the long run.

I think it is difficult to be neutral on this subject. I love living in a large town and use to watch escape to the country with amazement. My mother, on the other hand, lives very rurally in a large money pit property and over grown garden which she loves. Neither of us would want to swap our living arrangements.

However, the thing that stood out from your post is that you are quite lonely. Having some support from family or friends, particularly when you have children is invaluable. Is there a compromise where you could move nearer to family but live on the outskirts so you could still enjoy the countryside? It is difficult decision and wish you all the best.

I'd stay where you are and try to build some stronger friendships

Move. I don't think the set up you are in at the moment works for teenagers. They will be bored, you will be driving them everywhere. Move now, find a nice primary school with a good community where you have a chance of making real friends.

It sounds like you want to move but the crime rate is putting you off. My area and street in particular has really bad crime rates, but honestly we've been here a year and a half and never seen or had any problems. We feel totally safe. Have you spoke to the kids about it at all?

I'd move back...I wouldn't want to live rurally with older children/teens and I'd also hate to live far away from family...

I agree with previous posters that it sounds as though you would like to move - and if I were you I would want to move too. Moving children at primary school age is much easier than moving once they’re in secondary school.

I'd move. You'd be happier there and your dc are at a stage where you can move them. It will be better long term, with more to do.

If it were me I would move, although it's a big task and won't be easy but worth it inthe long run. Teens thrive with a social town centre and a bus service, and the secondary school is a big plus. Family and friends count for a lot, much more than a bigger bedroom or garden.

I think it also depends quite how rural you are. Are there any buses to a nearby town. Or a station not too far to take you to a large town or city. We have always lived in a village with a very small village primary school but only 2 miles from a growing smallish town with nothing much apart from shops. There was a school bus that took them 8 miles to secondary school,our choosing, there were others nearer. They did need transporting in their teenage years quite a bit but were quite studious and didn't really seek the night life. Often in a village there can be more sense of community, however you may be so rural that you don't even have close neighbours. Although we have always lived in a small village with no shops we have loved it but now both our kids have chosen to live near a city in there adult life!

How old are you DC, OP? I would say that moving is generally harder on children the older they are.

When you say you wouldn't get as spacious a house, would each DC still have their own bedroom? Would you be able to get somewhere with additional downstairs space in addition to the living room?

I would say that garden size is generally much less important to teenagers compared to primary age DC.

I would move.

What’s the point of beautiful surroundings if you struggle and feel lonely?

Having to drive everywhere is a trap.
Much better to live where kids can be independent, walk to school, use public transport and all their school friends live very close. MumAndDad taxi infantilises teens, cramps their independence and plays havoc with your life.

The outdoors is still there at weekends!