Disturbed by family member

[Noteatinglunch]

My aunt died yesterday and I found out today that my cousin washed her body and put makeup on her corpse.

My aunt was a very private person and wouldn't have wanted her niece to see her naked.

I have no idea why she did this as my aunt was being attended to by carers.

I find her behaviour disturbing because when her mother died she wouldn't allow her body to leave the house and insisted on sleeping/lying next to her for around 15 hours.

Is this normal behaviour? I had a visceral reaction to it but perhaps I'm wrong.

This is not about you. Your cousin has just lost her mum.

Cleaning them is a lovely last act. It has probably helped your cousin for her to carry out that act of love for her mum.

And if she was insisting on sleeping next to her mum's body for 15 hours, then that suggest she was in shock and struggling with it all. That was a visceral reaction in itself.

Sorry, I wasn't clear. These are two separate incidents. My aunt was her mother's sister. Her mother died a few years ago.

There is no 'normal' way to grieve when you lose a loved one, what's right for one person might not be ok with another.

Has she been a carer in the past? We would usually do a bed bath if someone died and clean teeth, comb hair etc.

No. She was at the care home when my aunt died. We had all visited her. The carers were taking care of things.

It's the last thing you can do for someone, it's only a relatively recent change for family not do this.

Was she close to her aunt? It sounds like she just wanted to do something

I suppose when you're deceased it doesn't matter what you would have wanted.

Not really. She barely saw her. I suppose she may have wanted to help.

I'm beginning to feel a bit better now that people think this is normal.

It was the usual thing for female relatives to wash a body right up to about the 1950s I think in the UK. In some cultures it’s still the norm and expecting an outside person to do this would be seen as odd. Maybe your cousin has old fashioned views on this?
Everyone grieves differently. I’m sorry for your loss.

I’m Irish so this wouldn’t be surprising to me.
Perhaps your cousin is into rituals and it’s her way of saying goodbye. I would only see a kindn In this act. It’s definitely not something you would do for a person you didn’t like/love.

Thanks. I'm sure she was just trying to help. I'm just concerned about how my aunt would have felt about it but of course she's gone.

Of course. Thank you.

What are you concerned about? That she has some kind of attraction to dead bodies?

I painted my grandmothers nails and applied her make up when she passed. I know she would have wanted it and it was a memory I will treasure saying my goodbyes. I am struggling to see why you are finding such fault with a loving act

I don't know. I just had a visceral reaction as I knew my aunt wouldn't have wanted her niece to see her naked. And I also found her behaviour when her mother died strange. I couldn't understand why you'd want to sleep next to a dead body.

However, I'm feeling like a weight has lifted as she obviously just wanted to help. And people are right, you can't really judge someone's grief.

Sleeping next to her mum was her own visceral reaction to grief.

washing the body is a sign of respect for many people. I could see how a bit of grooming, including makeup might be included for some, even if I find adding cosmetics a bit odd myself.

Her mother died at 7 in the morning and had been dead for a long time. However, you can't really judge how someone behaves in grief. I understand that now.

I'm sure she meant well.

Really try not to worry over it. None of us know how we’ll react when a loved one dies. I’m sure your cousin was acting out of love and kindness.
I remember watching a programme about Freddie Mercury and his personal assistant made sure Freddie looked immaculate before the funeral directors took his body away. He said he’d spent years making sure Freddie looked immaculate before he left the house in life and this was the last thing he could do for him.

The sleeping next to a dead body thing....

That dead body was her mum though. It could have been shock, sure... You hear of women not wanting to let go of their dead children/babies. I think it's a similar thing. Grief, seeking comfort, not accepting the death, processing, disbelief, and just a sense of pain and not wanting to be separated. The removal of the body makes it in some way more real, I suppose. You can't pretend they are just sleeping anymore.

Because it's not what my aunt would have wanted. My reaction was mainly concern for my aunt.

My sister was a carer in residential homes for years. She has laid out many bodies and said she did it becuse it was the last kind act she could do for people. Some didn’t like to but she didn’t mind. I think it’s quite nice to want someone to look their best at their passing.

Then it is quite odd I think.