What does a parent of a child with ADHD need to do?

[SewingBees]

On the back of a thread about someone receiving an adult ADHD diagnosis, and subsequent posts about how difficult it was for some being a child with ADHD, I'd like to know what I need to do for my daughter, who is suspected to have ADHD.

So many posters on the other thread have talked about their childhoods being difficult - not being able to meet parent/teacher expectations, judging themselves harshly, being judged harshly compared to peers etc. I'd like to know what I can do to make things easier for my child. Are there any good resources out there for parents like me?

My daughter is 8 and on the pathway for assessment, but it will be 18 months at least before she is actually assessed.

One more; ADHDers crave dopamine so look for it all over. This can manifest itself in kids particularly as arguments / being argumentative. The 'hit' of a disagreement / winding people up etc is enough to fulfil the need temporarily. The downside is, once that goes, it usually leaves them feeling rubbish as they know they shouldn't have done it / made someone feel bad etc.

if you start to notice the pattern, look for other stuff to give the dopamine hit. Can be as random as food (I go for crunchy or sweet food) or proprioceptive input - i.e. running, star jumps, compression hugs etc

I'm a late diagnosed ADHDer too. There is no magic bullet, but the fact you are aware of it, and want to learn, is already a huge step in the right direction. I'm not sure my parents would ever have accepted ADHD as a thing, but their constant criticism and disapproval was a huge factor in eroding what little self-esteem I had. Excessive criticism for not being able to accomplish seemingly straightforward tasks (like tidying your room) is one of the key contributing factors for RSD. I would sit and agonise over my messy room for hours, days. Paralysed by overwhelm. And I still do it now. It's not deliberate or lazy, it's exhausting.

Masking is another huge one to look out for. I spent my teenage years hiding all the things I struggled with - personal organisation, personal hygiene - as we're not motivated to look after ourselves (and my parents were pretty clueless about hygiene, grooming and all the stuff that's important to a teenage girl - so they didn't help). I was able to get away with things like last minute homework as I was academically very able, but I was also told I was lazy for not putting in consistent effort. I present as outwardly confident and articulate, but I'm inwardly totally dependent on external validation and have no resilience.

Try and foster a relationship with lots of open communication - especially around the things she struggles with that aren't deemed socially acceptable. She may be carrying a lot of shame, and hiding it from you. She may tell lies to try and cover up the things she's forgotten to do, hasn't been motivated to do, or feels ashamed about. She might be too young now, but being able to talk about her struggles openly would be a lifeline.

Fatigue may also be a huge factor. I was a really active dancer, but I used to come home and hide under the duvet to rest. My mum says she could never understand why I was tired all the time, and now I think was a combination of holding it all together, and chronic anxiety about things catching up with me. I really struggle with fatigue as an adult, and I think it's all down to anxiety. Adhd for me has meant a life lived in fear. Fear of failure, fear of consequences, and fear of never realising my potential.

With homework, while novelty is appealing to our brains, conversely it takes a monumental effort to engage in something that doesn't interest us. Concentrating on something when our brains are directing us to anywhere else is like having an internal fight. I still have to do that now with client projects that don't personally interest me. Body doubling is a good technique to try, and helps with procrastination. Basically you sit and work side by side. Not on the same thing, but harmoniously. It has an amazing effect on procrastination. We also struggle with all or nothing thinking, so breaking tasks down into small chunks can really help too.

If you can help her find an outlet for her busy brain, it will really help. We're brilliant at creative ideas, problem solving and helping others. What we can't do is execute plans ourselves very well, which can lead to frustration and constantly feeling like we're failing.

I could go on but I think I've said enough! Thank you for asking the question, and good luck.

Thank you everyone who has taken the time to respond, especially those speaking from personal experience (whether as parent or as someone with ADHD). It really is helpful.

My daughter is definitely more busy brain than physically hyperactive, she is very creative but struggles with focus. Luckily her school is extremely supportive - her teacher is the SEN lead and has ADHD herself - so they're already putting tools in place to help. She struggles with friendships though - is seen as the 'weird' one in a small class/school. We're working on her resilience though, and this seems to be helping. We definitely accept her as she is and encourage her to express herself in any way she can.

I shall follow up on the resources that have been flagged, thank you.

DD2 has ADHD inattentive type. DH is clearly hyperactive ADHD, but he never exhibited behaviour problems. DGD on the pathway to assessment is also clearly hyperactive ADHD. She doesn’t have behaviour problems either.

Accept they are doing the best they can. It might not seem very good to us, but they have to work three times harder at it, than NT children!

Telling them off or punishments are not likely to stop them doing the same thing next time, because they are impulsive - they tend to talk and act first without thinking. They won’t remember the punishment last time, so it’s not an incentive to change their behaviour. As pp have said, a telling off is likely to cause rejection dysphoria.

They can hyperfocus on things they are interested in! People often think ADHD means no concentration for anything. It’s not true. DD2 could do 12 hours work straight, without a break on her uni subject, because it was her special interest. DGD, who has all the concentration of a butterfly, can concentrate nicely on arts and crafts, which she loves! When she’s getting hyper, DS takes her out to play football. DH spent all his free time in childhood, playing football. As an adult, he paces around the house, or preferably the countryside whenever he can. Apart from when he is working, which he can hyperfocus on, the only time DH used to sit down , when I first met him, was when he had to eat dinner with a knife and fork. He ate breakfast and lunch, pacing around the room.

As they get older, and particularly at secondary, the executive functioning deficits become more noticeable - the mess, the disorganisation, forgetting equipment and appointments, talking over people, constantly interrupting other people talking…In the case of DH and DD2, they have comprehension problems with reading. Both struggle with formal written documents and books, even more so. Neither of them are at all creative, although they are very bright. They are into word games, sudokus, etc.

Young children aren’t usually drinking coffee, but in their teens coffee or Coca Cola (with caffeine) help, if they are not on medication.

There is an online magazine ADDitude. It has some good articles.

@FishfingerFlinger @Fitzcarraldo353 my ex was the same . He showed no understanding of. It took 5 years, due to COVID, for DS to be diagnosed with ADHD and traits of autism . His father constantly criticised him and called him lazy and said that I babied him. Our son lost all confidence. He wasn’t lazy . He had a part time job while at college . His employers took his lack of expression as lack of interest. It took a manager who understood the conditions to get the best out of him. I ended up separating from his father when he actually attacked our son after drinking . His father , who has his own MH problems, has since admitted it probably stems from him . I can now identify triggers . I don’t constantly remind him of things ,just once, or he gets annoyed . He definitely benefits from rest, good diet and time alone to “reset” . I just wish I had been aware of his condition sooner rather than assuming he was just naughty then I could have supported him better . He is doing well now and has a full time job and a very patient girlfriend ! . He just needed to find his niche.

Following for now, will read properly later - but so many helpful ideas (some of which, happily, we are already doing!)

DS isn't diagnosed but lots of your descriptions are him to a T...he's a wonderful boy and I couldn't love him more, but some days are definitely easier than others!

@SmallSoupcon oof your post hit me hard, I relate to everything you've written.

One thing I've really come to realise is that (despite looking fairly composed/successful on the outside) I have absolutely awful self-esteem.

I know it's going to be a struggle with my DC - especially my eldest who is a mini-me who really internalises criticism - doing what I can to support their self-esteem is a huge priority for me.

This is such a supportive and helpful thread - I've picked up so many useful tips myself.

One further thing I'd add is that although there are lots of common traits ADHD can manifest in so many different flavours and that works for one person may not work for the next. There's the well known differences like inattentive vs hyperactive, and typical male/female presentations but so much variation beyond that as well.

I have one DS diagnosed with ADHD (also ASD) who is inattentive, not hyperactive and another who is not yet diagnosed but is hyperactive, not inattentive and likely doesn't have ASD. They are SUCH different children with very different needs who need different parenting styles.

I think you need to take all the tips and strategies and use them as a toolbox, but you not all the tools will be right for your child.

This is the best advice you will ever get when it comes to neurodivergent children.

Work with what you have and don’t expect them to meet neurotypical expectations

@Sirzy yes! This is the single most useful and poignant thing my neurodivergent teen DD said to me. It was said in a moment of extreme frustration for her when I was suggesting something for the millionth time that on reflection of course wouldn’t have appealed. I keep this phrase with me the whole time and it’s so valuable.

This thread is awesome, thank you all. Marking my place as someone who has children with ADHD and suspecting myself of the inattentive variety.

Since the official diagnosis, my partner has been so much better with my oldest. Less shouting and shaming and more compassion and calmness. It’s a shame it took that for him to listen to me and realise he was acting harmfully. 😢

Make life easy at school. I got DS large zip lock bags with different coloured zips for each subject and put his exercise and text books and whatever stationery he needed in clear plastic pencil cases for each lesson in each one. This meant doubling up on pens etc but he never arrived at maths without a protractor or geography without coloured pencils.

I put a big wooden crate in the kitchen where he kept all these, as well as his school bag and PE kit so there was no scrabbling around wondering where things were.

On the fridge I had his timetable, colour co-ordinated to match the zip lock bags so he just had to glance at what colours he needed that day to do his bag. I added in bold caps what night homework was set and when it had to be handed in, with reminders on his phone.

He had a 'decompression' hour after school each day where he'd just cuddle the cat on his favourite chair and watch TV and have a drink and snack. Then homework before dinner and chill after dinner. Not too much scheduling on week nights.

I taught him how to tidy his room in stages, using a 3-minute timer. 3mins to put dirty laundry in hamper. 3 mins to put away clean laundry. 3 mins to put books on book shelf, games in cupboard. 3 mins to make bed, to tidy desk etc. End with taking dirty cups and plates downstairs as once out of the room it's easy to forget to go back and finish the job.

That sort of thing.

I did my thesis on this exact topic- main 3 findings were 1) become an effective advocate for your child 2) develop a clear picture of who they are, and focus on developing their strengths and interests. Provide them with enough positive input to establish a healthy self-este and counter the many, many negative interactions they may have 3) establish what boundaries and routines you, as a family, need to thrive- how do you need to parent differently?

I've ordered the new Ady&Me book - I'll report back. I'm slightly gutted to find the authors did a book release with talk for children close to me last week - I would have loved to go.

@WinterFoxes The support you've put in place sounds brilliant - I'll definitely be borrowing your ideas when needed.

I found with DD2, it was no good asking her to tidy up her bedroom. She’d look at it, then get distracted by something else for 5 hours. I had to break the task down for into stages, by saying:

Get your t shirts - put the clean ones away, and the dirty ones to wash

Ditto - sweatshirts

Ditto - trousers, etc

Then she could cope. She says if she’s overwhelmed, she shuts down - that’s ADHD paralysis. Sometimes it’s procrastination to put the task off, because she doesn’t want to do it.

I am in both situations. I was diagnosed with adhd 4 years ago at the age of 39 and my 8yo son is suspected of having it. It makes it easier for me to parent him than, say, my DH as I can see when he is struggling and genuinely not coping compared to being “naughty” so I advocate for him and try things to calm him down.

Giving lots of notice for things, countdowns to getting dressed for example, patience when he forgets what he’s saying half way through a sentence, school give him more time to compete work as he is a perfectionist and gets stressed when he has to rush, that sort of thing.

Also, talking, lots and lots and lots of calm talking really helps. When they (we) feel heard, it makes it easier for all involved.

Our experience of what helped was hugely reducing screen time (2 hours a week on the weekend only), lots of time outside and swings in the garden and a space hopper have really helped with him being more regulated. I think pent up energy worsens his ability to cope with things, and screens seems to build that frustration and energy up. Lots of activity and movement means he's much more regulated.

How did you find your coach? I've been looking but struggling.

@FishfingerFlinger@SmallSoupconyou both sound like me! I’m a late diagnosed ADHDer and both DSs show traits but aren’t diagnosed yet. Just wanted to send a hello in solidarity. ADHD is fucking awful sometimes especially when you’ve lived through some of the most awful times as a teenager and desperately don’t want the same for your DC.

Self esteem in particular gets pummelled into obscurity and I’m still searching for the magic resolution for that.

OP advocate like nothing on earth for your DC. I’m fiercely supportive of mine as this world is not an ADHD friendly one despite the current “trend” for it.

I highly recommend watching this presentation by Dr Russell Barkley/Berkley. It’s the most helpful thing I watched or read when Dd was diagnosed 6 years ago, when she was 15. It’s about 15 years old now, so some research may have moved on but I still really rate it.

In case the link doesn’t work, it’s called something like 30 essentials for parents.

Firstly: get tested yourself
secondly: stop anyone making excuses for poor behaviour on adhd and ensure you have a consistent approach to discipline
thirdly: sport- get them into physical activity and movement- give the energy a outlet

i say this as someone with medicated and diagnosed adhd