Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Chat

Join the discussion and chat with other Mumsnetters about everyday life, relationships and parenting.

Original poster

I must not weaken about him moving in, but...

36 replies

Curtainlot · 30/04/2025 09:39

I was single a long time and loved it.

Then quite unexpectedly, I met a man and things have been lovely.

I've been clear from the start, that I'll never live with anyone again and I think having our own space is one of the reasons it's going so well. I'm determined not to get to that place where I'm doing all the wife work, which will happen becuase that's my personality.

Tbf, I don't even think he wants to move in, we haven't discussed it, beyond me saying early on it won't happen. Although it might make some financial sense, it's not something I want to do.

However, he does spend quite a bit of time here. That's partly because I have the "better" house (location/space) but I'll have to be honest and say it's also because I like being at my house, having my things around me, using my kitchen, and not living out of an overnight bag.

So, I'm wondering about some small concessions to make him more comfortable, when he's here. A dressing gown that lives here? A cupboard where he can keep a few bits? I worry that I'll end up doing his laundry if he keeps clothes here though 😆

Sensible or a slippery slope? How long into a relationship would you expect these things to start happening?

Edited for an embarrassing amount of typos!

OP posts:
Widowerwouldyou · 30/04/2025 09:42

Sorry can’t advise, but watching with interest as in a similar position, tho’ out houses are s mile apart so its spread pretty much evenly where we go depending on where we’ve been, other commitments.

Original poster
Curtainlot · 30/04/2025 10:05

Thanks, good to know I'm not the only one possibly overthinking!

OP posts:
PersephonesPomegranate · 30/04/2025 10:10

I think you're looking at this from a biased viewpoint.
If you were at his house more, you'd like a dressing gown, a cupboard etc.

The men I know don't give a monkeys and simply don't put energy into that kind of thought process. If he wants those things, let him suggest it or buy his own blooming dressing gown. To try and pre-empt his needs, you're already slipping into wife work.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

Dating General relationships
Original poster
Curtainlot · 30/04/2025 10:10

PersephonesPomegranate · 30/04/2025 10:10

I think you're looking at this from a biased viewpoint.
If you were at his house more, you'd like a dressing gown, a cupboard etc.

The men I know don't give a monkeys and simply don't put energy into that kind of thought process. If he wants those things, let him suggest it or buy his own blooming dressing gown. To try and pre-empt his needs, you're already slipping into wife work.

Edited

That is an excellent point

OP posts:
MarkingBad · 30/04/2025 10:12

It's a slippery slope you end up with all sorts of man crap pretty quickly.

If that's ok with you, that's great. I ended up with all sorts including toolboxes and he never did a hands turn of DIY here

Oceanically · 30/04/2025 10:16

PersephonesPomegranate · 30/04/2025 10:10

I think you're looking at this from a biased viewpoint.
If you were at his house more, you'd like a dressing gown, a cupboard etc.

The men I know don't give a monkeys and simply don't put energy into that kind of thought process. If he wants those things, let him suggest it or buy his own blooming dressing gown. To try and pre-empt his needs, you're already slipping into wife work.

Edited

Good post. And yes, absolutely to the OP already doing mental 'wifework'. Stop inventing solutions to non-existent problems, OP. You don't want to live with him, he has never suggested it or done anything to suggest he sees it in your joint future, and has never expressed a desire for a dressing gown or cupboard. Put it out of your head.

Original poster
Curtainlot · 30/04/2025 10:18

Oceanically · 30/04/2025 10:16

Good post. And yes, absolutely to the OP already doing mental 'wifework'. Stop inventing solutions to non-existent problems, OP. You don't want to live with him, he has never suggested it or done anything to suggest he sees it in your joint future, and has never expressed a desire for a dressing gown or cupboard. Put it out of your head.

Show quote history

Well he does borrow my dressing gown to make the tea 🤣

OP posts:
Oceanically · 30/04/2025 10:23

Curtainlot · 30/04/2025 10:18

Well he does borrow my dressing gown to make the tea 🤣

Show quote history

Again, his issue, though. Getting fully dressed is also a possibility!

DidILeaveTheGasOn · 30/04/2025 10:25

Have you started doing wifework regardless? Cooking, washing up, cleaning more than normal because of two people using the house rather than one?

Eggsinthewhoopsiebasketalready · 30/04/2025 10:27

Toothbrush and a toiletries bag.
Anything more is cf territory!

Original poster
Curtainlot · 30/04/2025 10:27

DidILeaveTheGasOn · 30/04/2025 10:25

Have you started doing wifework regardless? Cooking, washing up, cleaning more than normal because of two people using the house rather than one?

Yes, I expect so, that's unavoidable. I do enjoy cooking though and I'm not about to ask him to clean my house - the one I don't want him to live in.

I've been ill this week and he couldn't have been more lovely, so it's not like it's all one sided.

OP posts:
Oceanically · 30/04/2025 10:30

Curtainlot · 30/04/2025 10:27

Yes, I expect so, that's unavoidable. I do enjoy cooking though and I'm not about to ask him to clean my house - the one I don't want him to live in.

I've been ill this week and he couldn't have been more lovely, so it's not like it's all one sided.

Show quote history

Well go to his house more, surely? Or he cooks and/or washes the dishes at yours?

Original poster
Curtainlot · 30/04/2025 10:34

Oceanically · 30/04/2025 10:30

Well go to his house more, surely? Or he cooks and/or washes the dishes at yours?

Show quote history

He does help with the clearing up and as I said, we spend more time at mine because that's what suits me, which is why I was wondering about some small things to make him more comfortable, (like I would any other guest?)

OP posts:
TheHerboriste · 30/04/2025 10:37

Oceanically · 30/04/2025 10:16

Good post. And yes, absolutely to the OP already doing mental 'wifework'. Stop inventing solutions to non-existent problems, OP. You don't want to live with him, he has never suggested it or done anything to suggest he sees it in your joint future, and has never expressed a desire for a dressing gown or cupboard. Put it out of your head.

Show quote history

Well said.

Icanttakethisanymore · 30/04/2025 10:39

This isn't complicated, you're overthinking it. If he wants to leave some things at your house surely he will ask?

NeedthatFridayfeeling · 30/04/2025 10:41

I'd say slippery slope. I things are good as they are leave them be.

SnowflakeSmasher86 · 30/04/2025 10:45

You could maybe get him a dressing gown as a birthday gift and say although he looks cute in yours you want him to have his own. Then its not so much of a ‘moving in’ thing as a he could always just take it home if he prefers.

I had a BF who spent 50/50 at mine. He ended up buying new sofas and going halves on a new TV but when we split up a few years later he wanted to take them with him, despite having his own new sofas and several big TVs! He would also leave washing here for me to do. I once left a toothbrush at his and the next time I stayed his DD was using it 🤮

I think its the slippery slope to wifework if you start doing his laundry, so don’t give him a drawer. If I stay at my DPs the last thing I want is to give him extra work so I take my own bedding and wouldn’t dream of leaving my worn undies for him to deal with.

Oceanically · 30/04/2025 10:52

Curtainlot · 30/04/2025 10:34

He does help with the clearing up and as I said, we spend more time at mine because that's what suits me, which is why I was wondering about some small things to make him more comfortable, (like I would any other guest?)

Show quote history

But he's not 'any other guest' -- most guests come for a pre-agreed number of nights, sleep on your sofa or in the spare room, and then depart. And you don't have sex with them.

Given that you seem to be 'borrowing' wifework already by giving it this much headspace, and to have quite wobbly boundaries, in your shoes I would absolutely not, ever, buy him a dressing gown for your house or allocate him a cupboard.

If he feels the lack of something, he tells you, and, after he tells you, you make a call on whether it's something you want to do or not.

civetcat · 30/04/2025 10:53

DH and I don't live together but live near each other. We've been together >20 years and both of us lived alone for a long time before then. We have toothbrushes and toiletries in each home and he has a razor here but nothing else permanently. If we want to leave stuff at each other's homes sometimes, that's fine. So don't worry you should be doing something (which does sound like wifework) - if you happy with things, keep them are they are

Fraaances · 30/04/2025 10:55

Does he contribute to bills and food if he is there all the time or are you saving him money and effort?

Original poster
Curtainlot · 30/04/2025 10:57

Fraaances · 30/04/2025 10:55

Does he contribute to bills and food if he is there all the time or are you saving him money and effort?

I'm not worried about financials. He buys any takeaways, drives more than me, and we pay more or less equally when out, although no one's counting to the penny.

OP posts:
chattychatchatty · 30/04/2025 11:02

Personally I wouldn’t unless you’re happy that you are both very clear where you stand on the not living together thing. It could send the wrong message.

GreenFressia · 30/04/2025 11:05

Basics of someone staying over for me - they get an offer of breakfast, towel and toothbrush.

If longer term bedside table space, bathroom shelf space, possible cupboard space if things they like.

Dressing gown...maybe as a present? 😂

Starseeking · 30/04/2025 11:09

I wouldn’t start proposing any of this without him having suggested it first. Base any decisions on what you’re comfortable with him leaving at your house, if/when he ever mentions anything.

MysteriousUsername · 30/04/2025 11:16

I have stuff at my bf’s house. A dressing gown, some pyjamas, wash kit, some clothes for our top secret outing hobby. Obviously I asked first.

Although if I tried to move in by stealth he might notice when I try and sneak my kids in. Grin