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Original poster

Can the dads out there help me understand please?

31 replies

lostmumma1990 · 29/04/2025 14:35

I had a child 11 years ago but the father told me he wasn’t interested despite already having a child. He was concerned the his child’s family would stop contact between them if he had another child.

Im going through a crazy time mentally right now and this has all come to the surface of my mind after all these years. Has any dads out there been in this position? I would really love to be understand his viewpoint more and what the reaction is likely to be if I gently reach out.

Or am I insane to even consider it?

OP posts:
CosmicCuppa · 29/04/2025 14:38

Not a dad but please consider the ramifications of doing this and it going ‘well’. Presumably this man is not on the birth certificate and has no parental responsibility but if he does want contact years later, he could apply to be put on, share responsibility and all of your decisions will have to go through him too.

There’s obviously the chance he has no interest in your child. If he wanted to reach out, he’s had over a decade to do so and I do believe the child has the right to both parents who want to be involved but you say you’re going through a crazy time mentally right now and this could open a can of worms that makes things a lot worse.

Swirlythingy2025 · 29/04/2025 14:41

apologies not a dad but ill admit my dad dissappeared before i was born and i would like to get to know him if possible, but if not then its understandable.

i think overall id like to know if he was proud of how i grew as a person and became the person i am today, i know i made mistakes and missed opportunities etc but overall me personally im not great but i think overall i did ok

Original poster
lostmumma1990 · 29/04/2025 15:47

I’m 99% sure if it went well he wouldn’t be trying to get PR but I will take that on board thank you. @Swirlythingy2025sorry to hear that.

i just can’t fathom how a parent can make a decision like that so I would to understand from someone who may have made a similar decision if there is anyone?

OP posts:

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StClabberts · 29/04/2025 16:09

How can you be 99% sure? If your reaching out has any success at all, and presumably you think it might if you're considering it, that will completely change the situation and any priors.

Original poster
lostmumma1990 · 29/04/2025 16:14

I knew him for a long time before, maybe that’s me being naive. I actually really think there won’t be any response and I’ll be ignored but it’ll be helpful for me to understand the thinking behind his decision at the time

OP posts:
Mudflaps · 29/04/2025 16:22

Reaching out is a bad idea, he knows the child exists and if he wanted contact he'd reach out to you. Risking contact with the first child was no more than an excuse, he simply didn't want a relationship with you or your child. I had my son when I was 21, I was with his father from age 17, he split with me when I was pregnant, we ended back together but it didn't last and he choose to not have contact with our dc, he went on to have three more children with three different women and had a relationship with none of them. If you contact him and he rebuffs you how will you feel?

thegoodlifeha · 29/04/2025 16:23

Don’t ‘reach out’ - he has had 11 fucking years to show up for his child.

OnlyMabelInTheBuilding · 29/04/2025 16:24

Was he with the mother of his other child at the time? If not, sounds like it was just an excuse.

I wouldn’t expect anything different now.

LavenderFields7 · 29/04/2025 17:42

The fact this has all come to the surface now indicates that you are struggling going through your current situation alone and your brain is scrambling around searching through a database of who might be able to help you. Hint - it’s not this man.

Original poster
lostmumma1990 · 29/04/2025 17:49

He wasn’t with her but I heard it straight from her that that was the situation so I have no reason to believe it was an excuse. I would like to know once and for all whether it was his decision or not.

OP posts:
Lemonz · 29/04/2025 17:54

I don't think any fathers who've rejected their children are likely to admit to that on here. They'd (quite rightly) be ripped to shreds.

ThisOldThang · 29/04/2025 17:57

If this was an illicit affair, then I could understand why he might want to keep it all secret and put his head in the sand to avoid his life exploding. It's cowardly and awful for your kid, but it does at least have some kind of reasoning behind the decision.

I think he's probably just a shit absent father.

Original poster
lostmumma1990 · 29/04/2025 17:58

How can he accept one child but not another? I can’t get my head around it.

OP posts:
Springtimehere · 29/04/2025 18:06

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This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

WhenYouSayNothingAtAll · 29/04/2025 18:20

lostmumma1990 · 29/04/2025 17:58

How can he accept one child but not another? I can’t get my head around it.

One was a child he knew and loved and spent time with and bonded with, one an unknown entity.

Original poster
lostmumma1990 · 29/04/2025 18:21

It’s taken me this many years to try and process it. Soon there will be questions and I’d rather give the bad news than my child go looking for the answers

OP posts:
Gettingbysomehow · 29/04/2025 18:32

I can't imagine why you would ever want to contact this dickhead. Leave well alone. It's a nest of hornets. Has he sent birthday cards/gifts. No? Well then he doesn't give a shit and never has. Don't disrupt your child's life for someone you hardly know.

Maisiewilks · 29/04/2025 18:41

Difficult one for sure.
I've experienced a similar (ish,) situation.
I had a fling with a friend while I was with my e
Then husband (I was in a miserable marriage but hey no excuse, it was wrong) anyway I fell pregnant and my daughter turned out to be my friends not my husbands.
My friend struggled hugely when I told him I was pregnant, initially he didn't want to be involved but then did but then COVID hit, contact was more difficult and I'd met a new partner who was very possessive and basically banned me from allowing my daughter's dad a relationship.
All in all the whole thing was a massive shit show!!!

That was 5 years ago, I left my ex partner recently and reached out to my friend after 5 years of no contact at all and he is very much looking forward to being involved again and Co parenting.

There's no harm in reaching out, all he can say is no and if he is hiding your childs existence from anyone that is on him. A child deserves at least the chance to have a relationship with both parents.

mathanxiety · 29/04/2025 18:44

lostmumma1990 · 29/04/2025 17:58

How can he accept one child but not another? I can’t get my head around it.

That's where his lack of integrity or a moral compass comes in.

My guess is he's a poor excuse of a father to the other child and would drop the child and the mother if something better came along. In fact, he may already have done that.

I'd strongly advise you to get therapy and talk your hurt through.

I do not think you should try to get in touch with this man. He has had eleven years to change his mind or even to send a small token at Christmas to you and his child. He has not done that. Generally speaking, if a man really wants to do something, he finds a way to do it.

Very bluntly, you seem to be holding out hope that someone put a gun to his head and forced him to choose the other child over yours, but I think you need to try to accept that he chose to discard you and his own child, and that this is on him and not on you. Some people have no character.

mathanxiety · 29/04/2025 18:48

lostmumma1990 · 29/04/2025 18:21

It’s taken me this many years to try and process it. Soon there will be questions and I’d rather give the bad news than my child go looking for the answers

If you go to therapy, you can talk about ways to answer your child's questions. This would actually be a very important thing to do.

If the child wants to look up the father, I'd advise him to wait until he's at least 18 and to only do so if he himself has access to therapy to support him.

user8636283904 · 29/04/2025 19:04

How did the pregnancy happen?

Was it an "oh dear I'm pregnant" (ie you've been secretly trying to get pregnant without him knowing)? Or was it a stable relationship where both parties entered in to an agreement to have unprotected sex in the hopes of trying for a baby?

Tbh, it sounds like the first one and in which case he doesn't want anything to do with you or this unknown entity (to him). Like PP have said, he's had 11 years to reach out and he hasn't. He's probably relieved he hasn't heard from you.

If it was the latter, then sure, maybe reconnect.

OnlyMabelInTheBuilding · 29/04/2025 19:22

lostmumma1990 · 29/04/2025 17:49

He wasn’t with her but I heard it straight from her that that was the situation so I have no reason to believe it was an excuse. I would like to know once and for all whether it was his decision or not.

He’s a human with free will, so regardless of what anyone might have told him or not told him to do, it was his decision.

Original poster
lostmumma1990 · 29/04/2025 19:26

user8636283904 · 29/04/2025 19:04

How did the pregnancy happen?

Was it an "oh dear I'm pregnant" (ie you've been secretly trying to get pregnant without him knowing)? Or was it a stable relationship where both parties entered in to an agreement to have unprotected sex in the hopes of trying for a baby?

Tbh, it sounds like the first one and in which case he doesn't want anything to do with you or this unknown entity (to him). Like PP have said, he's had 11 years to reach out and he hasn't. He's probably relieved he hasn't heard from you.

If it was the latter, then sure, maybe reconnect.

Thank you for your input, I’m not sure the reason it happened is relevant? But if it is it was a casual relationship with a friend, and the pregnancy was an accident. I had never planned to have children.

OP posts:
Original poster
lostmumma1990 · 29/04/2025 19:28

Because he was a friend we still live locally and frequent the same places. I know he still supports his oldest child, dotes on them in fact. There’s a chance our children may mix in the same circles as time goes on.

OP posts:
Original poster
lostmumma1990 · 29/04/2025 19:30

Maisiewilks · 29/04/2025 18:41

Difficult one for sure.
I've experienced a similar (ish,) situation.
I had a fling with a friend while I was with my e
Then husband (I was in a miserable marriage but hey no excuse, it was wrong) anyway I fell pregnant and my daughter turned out to be my friends not my husbands.
My friend struggled hugely when I told him I was pregnant, initially he didn't want to be involved but then did but then COVID hit, contact was more difficult and I'd met a new partner who was very possessive and basically banned me from allowing my daughter's dad a relationship.
All in all the whole thing was a massive shit show!!!

That was 5 years ago, I left my ex partner recently and reached out to my friend after 5 years of no contact at all and he is very much looking forward to being involved again and Co parenting.

There's no harm in reaching out, all he can say is no and if he is hiding your childs existence from anyone that is on him. A child deserves at least the chance to have a relationship with both parents.

I’m pleased to hear this about your child and their father. It would be good to know more about how you went about it and if there were reasons he didn’t reach out or legally be involved?

OP posts: