Internalised ableism because of benefit bashing

[1Ivebeenthinking]

I have too much to deal with to read a book on the subject (If there is one) so just want to have a conversation and get some tips.
I realised I’ve been really fixated and worried, to the point it’s keeping me awake at night, about what others think about me. Like potentially not looking or being disabled enough, despite a lot of evidence that I am and have too much going on that I can reasonably deal with. Yet I still feel gaslit and doubt my disabilities and health issues. When I am in pain, I am worried that it’s not considered painful enough, that others might be powering through and I am not doing enough. When I can’t think or do anything because of executive dysfunction or sensory issues, I critique myself because I should be doing more as others manage so much more. And it’s all off the back of benefit bashing threads/comments on mumsnet.

I feel the same. Its affected me so badly that I even considered cancelling my own PIP award as the mental pressure of recieving it and feeling like a drain got so bad. I actually started hallucinating and ended up calling the crisis team after 48 hours of not sleeping because I thought someone from PIP was filming me/following me.

Now I just hide any nasty threads and have remived myself from all facebook groups etc.

It might be worth staying off MN for a while?

I know you want validation and sympathy but to be honest lots of us are disabled and still work etc if that's what you are getting at. I understand that this might feel like an attack but it's really not intended to be. It's just the truth. We mostly power on and probably have a cry every so often. I have a serious physical disability and severe executive dysfunction but I'm just not ready to give up on trying to live a meaningful life by my definition. Your definition might be different. I hope you find peace with your situation and strength to live the best life you can.

Editing to add: I understand the threads on here have been overwhelming recently and the defensiveness it causes. I get full PIP but it's complicated because I can see the system really does need reform. I'm still angry that people in genuine need of PIP are being incredibly stressed by the cack-handed way the changes have been drip fed into the media. Please don't cancel your PIP but do be prepared for it to be harder to get at review unless you are seriously physically disabled. That seems to be the direction of travel.

I saw your other thread earlier, OP.

The thing is, only you know what you can and can't do, and how real your struggles are to you. It doesn't actually matter what strangers on the Internet might say because they're not living your life and they can't possibly know how it feels to be you.

You won't be able to stop other people from judging or saying what they think, so you can only work on how you manage this for yourself. Take a break from MN if needs be. Ultimately, it doesn't really matter what random people on MN think.

that Doesn’t sound pleasant for you.

I think if you feel able to, try to reframe as what am I good at? What do I have potential to carry out? Am I enjoying life? Am I fulfilled?

I think the narrative right now (rightly or wrongly) is that there is a choice being made to lean in to a lack of capability. Does that bother you? Ultimately we are in a society that is ego centric, very much driven from the top down. If the prime minister can be a scoundrel who will father many, many children and dodge for tax funded luxury wallpaper, then why should we all graft down a pit, metaphorically, to be pious about being decent and hard working?

I do worry from a social perspective that people are being incentivised to become disenfranchised and othered, the labelling of everything and anything, to become very tribal, doesn’t seem like a positive step.

I hope there’s a fight back that makes ableism illegal one day

I do hope you keep having the choice and support to continue in work. I have often seen that it is not the disabled person that gives up on work, but work gives up on them and forces them into unemployment. It is a huge source of mental distress to be forced out of work.

PIP is part of the support thousands under threat of losing it need to stay in work. For that reason and others, I will keep protesting in solidarity that the Gov reverse their cuts to PIP.