Help please: DH and my depression

[Satsumapeople]

NCed for this but I’m a very regular poster.

the crux of it is - I am depressed, and I know that it is hard for DH but I don’t know what to do. I wondered if any partners of people with chronic depression could talk about what makes their marriage work, despite this condition?

longer story is - I’ve always suffered from depression but have created some successful coping strategies. I am now facing a distressing medical diagnosis that affects my ability to do those coping strategies, and will have a lasting impact on my life. I have become, inevitably, depressed. I have very low mood, intrusive thoughts, I’m not pleasant to be around.

I am currently managing to cope with day to day life just about but I don’t do it with lightness and grace if you know what i mean - I can get up, sort the kids, go to work, but I feel like shit and struggle to hide it from DH (I try very hard to hide it from the kids)

DH has told me he feels lonely and dragged down by my sadness. I am worried that our marriage won’t survive unless I put some work into it. What can I do to empathise more with his situation and support him?

Bump?

Could you try medication?

Medication. Counselling. Avoiding alcohol.

Your post is confusing. You want to do more to support your husband while you process a medical condition?

You say that you've always suffered from depression but have been using strategies to cope but now you're going through the diagnosis you're finding it difficult to mask your feelings.

If you've been depressed for years it can take a toll on your family. It's unlikely your children don't notice. Depression can make you very self absorbed, it's the nature of the illness.
I can understand why your husband is feeling exhausted if it's been going on for years.

However, if as you say you've been successfully managing your condition but are unable to do so , then your husband should be supporting you and not calling you a drag.

You need to get some support. That may involve a support group for your condition, taking medication, exercise, mindfulness and meditation, diet change, supplements and therapy. Your husband should also support you as you try to get better.

That sounds so hard OP, I’m sorry. I assume you mean that you can’t do the exercise which helped you manage your mood - walking/running etc? Are there any lower level exercises which could help?

Are you on meds and do you have therapy?

Perhaps it would be kinder to let him go OP?

Ask H what he needs.

Then try and work out a plan to accommodate some of that.

What does your DH say would help to make a difference?

Are you actively engaging in ways of tackling your depression - medication, therapy, exercise, etc? If he can see you are working hard to combat it, one would hope that he would be supportive. On the other hand, depression can make a person very inward-looking - do you generally support him and engage with his worries and concerns as well as your own? I know at the moment you’re focused on your diagnosis which is fair enough but generally, is the relationship one of give and take or is it more one way?

In what ways are you not pleasant to be around? I think ultimately (and I’m sure your DH knows this) you are unlikely to make your marriage significantly better long term unless you get some lasting help with your depression.

What are your current coping strategies and in what way will they now be limited? Perhaps with this information people will be able to suggest some alternatives.

i struggle with anxiety and some depression which has always been the case since my teenage years (I'm early 40s now) and I haven’t always done right by myself in that regard. I find control of my diet (which is much easier now I’m on mounjaro) helps a lot as I have more energy when I’m not eating badly. I also don’t drink alcohol anymore which wasn’t a major depressant for me but it certainly wouldn’t help most people to drink heavily. I also try to get out for one longish walk a day and I fiercely protect my alone time so I have enough solitude to reset.

Thanks everyone. I’m on medication, I have therapy, I don’t drink, I eat healthily. As a pp said it’s exercise that I can no longer do.

by not pleasant to be around I mean I am incredibly sad and occasionally express suicidal thoughts (although I don’t express them 99% of the time that I think them). I think dh knows that I am trying my hardest. Perhaps something I could do is spend more time alone so that my decompression time isn’t always with him. Then I could put on a braver face when I’m around him and he wouldn’t have to listen/ see the worst of it.

I might just allow myself a private collapse every day - cry and scream and shout behind closed doors for maybe half an hour. One of the things that’s hardest about the diagnosis is losing my freedom to get out of the house and be alone. But if I find a way to break down alone the I will be better able to cope when dh is there and he won’t have to bear the brunt of the bad times.

I’m sorry things are so hard. It does sound like you are trying your best which actually is all anyone can ask of you.

Is there a form of exercise you can do?

Regarding your DH, is there something you do enjoy that’s maybe lighthearted that you could do with him? Even if all it is is having a regular film night or watching an old favourite tv series an episode at a time together? Just something really basic but calm that you can connect on.

My partners depression almost broke me. I am not exaggerating when I say it drove me to rock bottom and it was the worst time of my life.

It took me a long time to pick myself back up but we made it through. I don’t think I’ll be able to do it if it ever gets as bad again.

Thank you, this is something we can definitely do together. Thank you

Are you honest about how low you are with your therapist? Telling your husband you want to die must be taking a horrendous toll on him. Feeling like that must be awful for you. You urgently need strategies to let that out away from him, your update suggests you’re considering one which is good. I feel for you both. From his perspective he’s hearing that he and your children aren’t worth living for. It must be a very unhappy home right now. Do your kids have support? They always know more than we hope they do.

I agree with PP that asking him what would help is a good idea and trying to find something fun the two of you can do together is important. You must both be worried about your recent diagnosis so find ways to laugh.

I feel for you, I live alone, ( with cat) had mild bi polar, hormonal depression, and now mid stage Parkinson’s , depression is part of that too.
Is your situation similar?
Distraction helps me, I realise the reality of life, but determined to be upbeat and cheerful.
Grieving activities, is part of that process, accepting new things.
Yout diagnosis will need acceptance, it’s hard for and those you love

I'm so sorry, this must be so difficult. I experienced severe depression for about a year and it was hard seeing it effect my partner. Are there any forms of exercise you could do? What about swimming? And I agree, finding a way to decompress so it isn't always to your husband is a good idea. It's so hard though, being unwell but also having to look after others - to protect them from yourself. It feels cruel somehow. You are doing tremendously well. I'd also encourage you to go back to your doctor to see if there's any other medication you might be able to try. Finally, if leaving the house/ exercise is difficult now, finding a source of pure joy within your house might help - something that is entirely yours. A hobby - sewing, gardening, crafting, reading. I will always struggle with mental health problems but knowing I can come home and potter about in the garden and 'create' always seems to be what sets my head free, it makes me feel alive and drowns out the intrusive thoughts. Although when you're very depressed this feels like an impossibility. It's great you have the therapy but is there something else that is outward facing you could take up? Keep going, things will get easier xxx