Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Chat

Join the discussion and chat with other Mumsnetters about everyday life, relationships and parenting.

Original poster

Please help. I feel so disappointed in myself all the time.

35 replies

Sunflowerz22 · 26/04/2025 21:53

Lovely house, mortgage paid off
Plenty of money
Gorgeous DD school age.
Great marriage

I'm officially a kept woman, and I bloody hate it.
My DH is very successful, in a 'big job'.

Yet I'm miserable, and I feel so guilty for it. I'll get flamed, I know what MN is like.

I'm a qualified teacher, and I've just quit after 14 years in the job. Went off sick with stress and then left. I was only part time but it was more than enough to break me. I had to get out. I did, and now I feel like shit. Education is a shambles. I'm reluctant to go back to the classroom at all.
I still do a bit of tutoring but that's it. I barely work 10 hours a week.

I feel like a failure.
I'm a very driven person and I find it incredibly hard to be reliant financially on someone else. I didn't mind while my DD was pre-school age, but now she's at school I feel completely useless. I desperately want to be as successful as he is, and have a decent career. I wish I could turn back time. Why did I choose teaching? It was never the right career path for me. What a terrible mistake that was.

The self doubt and disappointment in myself is so strong and I just want to have the confidence to feel good enough and to get out there and pursue a decent career.

There is one career path I'd love to take. I have a hobby I love and I could turn it into a career, but I don't feel good enough, and I don't have the confidence to go for it, not to mention the years and expense it'll take to retrain to do it. It's a good career and would pay well but I'm not convinced I'd stick at it. My nerves and self doubt would get the better of me.
My husband supports it, but I still need to earn something the meantime and I don't have any confidence to apply for anything as a stop-gap.

I'm expecting to get flamed. There are people out there who can barely feed their children. Trust me I know, and I feel so guilty for feeling like this. I should be feeling grateful for what I have.

I'm just so fed up with myself. I'm hoping someone somewhere can help me feel even a tiny bit better.

I've tried therapy, many times. Nothing seems to help.

Thanks for reading.

OP posts:
tetleyhead · 26/04/2025 22:00

You have an opportunity many would love to have. You have an idea and a skill and a supportive partner willing to back you while you go for it. Sounds like you’re in a partnership with love (and no mortgage!) and that’s an amazing thing to have in your situation.

Picture yourself in 5 or 10 years time … where do you want to be? Isn’t it worth giving it a try? What would you say to a good friend who came to you in exactly your scenario?

wrongthinker · 26/04/2025 22:03

Go after the career you want and get a job in a shop or something while you're training.

You'll feel better once you're in the world doing things. Confidence comes from taking action to help yourself. Crack on!

Original poster
Sunflowerz22 · 26/04/2025 22:03

@tetleyhead I would tell them to go for it.
The problem is it's an expensive journey, and I know self doubt will get the better of me along the way and I'll end up quitting and wasting a lot of money and I'll end up even more disappointed in myself.
Yet I also know if I got to my deathbed and didn't do it because of self doubt and anxiety, I'd deeply regret it.

OP posts:
Original poster
Sunflowerz22 · 26/04/2025 22:04

@wrongthinker thank you.

OP posts:
whatsausername · 26/04/2025 22:08

Whatever this hobby may be, I think you should definitely go for it. Nothing ventured, nothing gained! You’re mortgage free & have a supportive DH. Give yourself a shot!

Thunderpants88 · 26/04/2025 22:11

What’s the hobby

mixedpeel · 26/04/2025 22:12

I wonder if some of your disappointment is actually because of being effectively forced out of teaching. You are damn right that education is a shambles, and I would say your decision to leave is almost certainly the right one. This doesn’t mean you’ll never stick at anything else again.

BlueEyedBogWitch · 26/04/2025 22:13

Don’t beat yourself up. Teaching is brutal, and you made a brave and necessary step in getting out.

You might still have residual stress, so spend a bit of time being kind to yourself instead of rushing to decide your next move.

You’re not a kept woman. You’re working, and anyway, I bet you work in the home.

I’d love to know what your hobby is. Just do it for fun for a bit, as part of your healing process, and see where it leads?

1Ivebeenthinking · 26/04/2025 22:16

Kids are horrible so I’m not surprised you don’t want to go back

dreamingbohemian · 26/04/2025 22:19

Oh honey. Don't be so hard on yourself!

I think you should listen to your instincts about the hobby. Without knowing what it is, none of us can say if its a good idea.

My advice is give yourself time to recover from teaching and don't rush into anything.
Find a good career advisor and explore lots of options!

Original poster
Sunflowerz22 · 26/04/2025 22:38

I had a feeling people might ask what the hobby is.
@BlueEyedBogWitch @dreamingbohemian my hobby is flying. Been flying with my uncle for a hobby for years. I have a licence. I mostly fly gliders and microlights, nothing fancy 🤣.

So yea, I can't shake the dream of becoming a commercial pilot one day. Probably the worst possible job to do with a family.
Probably changes everyone's answers instantly!

OP posts:
wrongthinker · 26/04/2025 22:39

Sunflowerz22 · 26/04/2025 22:03

@tetleyhead I would tell them to go for it.
The problem is it's an expensive journey, and I know self doubt will get the better of me along the way and I'll end up quitting and wasting a lot of money and I'll end up even more disappointed in myself.
Yet I also know if I got to my deathbed and didn't do it because of self doubt and anxiety, I'd deeply regret it.

Give yourself a chance! You can't know that you're going to give up out of self doubt unless that's actually your plan.

You lack confidence in yourself, so start with the smallest step you can take in the right direction. Then take another step. Don't think about the whole journey or how far you are from where you want to be. Just keep taking steps in the right direction. It will get easier and easier as your confidence grows.

tetleyhead · 26/04/2025 22:40

Sunflowerz22 · 26/04/2025 22:03

@tetleyhead I would tell them to go for it.
The problem is it's an expensive journey, and I know self doubt will get the better of me along the way and I'll end up quitting and wasting a lot of money and I'll end up even more disappointed in myself.
Yet I also know if I got to my deathbed and didn't do it because of self doubt and anxiety, I'd deeply regret it.

I get it. I’m a very risk averse person but…. in my experience you don’t regret the things you did only what you didn’t.

With love I say, have confidence and go for it. You can do it!

And if for some reason you don’t…. At least you’ll know you tried Flowers

wrongthinker · 26/04/2025 22:40

Flying sounds like a brilliant job, OP. Especially since you already know how to fly a plane! Go for it!

tetleyhead · 26/04/2025 22:40

wrongthinker · 26/04/2025 22:39

Give yourself a chance! You can't know that you're going to give up out of self doubt unless that's actually your plan.

You lack confidence in yourself, so start with the smallest step you can take in the right direction. Then take another step. Don't think about the whole journey or how far you are from where you want to be. Just keep taking steps in the right direction. It will get easier and easier as your confidence grows.

Show quote history

^ this is excellent advice!

Original poster
Sunflowerz22 · 26/04/2025 22:47

wrongthinker · 26/04/2025 22:40

Flying sounds like a brilliant job, OP. Especially since you already know how to fly a plane! Go for it!

I know. Isn't it strange that I lack so much self confidence yet I can fly a plane 🤣. Don't get me wrong I get the jitters before I go flying but I'm calm when I'm up there!

OP posts:
mixedpeel · 26/04/2025 22:51

Sunflowerz22 · 26/04/2025 22:47

I know. Isn't it strange that I lack so much self confidence yet I can fly a plane 🤣. Don't get me wrong I get the jitters before I go flying but I'm calm when I'm up there!

Show quote history

Even more reason to take the next baby step, as PP suggested. More time spent doing something you’re good at and are calm while doing so can only be a good thing for your overall self-confidence.

madaboutpurple · 26/04/2025 22:52

I think you might be burnt out. Teaching is a very stressful career. I know a few teachers and they get hassle from managers, kids and parents. You could very well have saved your life stress wise and health wise. I wonder if a holiday might help. It was very brave of you to leave so full credit to you. My friends sound as though they just live for holiday time. I am glad I didn't train and make it my career.It sounds like you could do with some space before you make plans. Best wishes anyway.

Original poster
Sunflowerz22 · 26/04/2025 22:58

mixedpeel · 26/04/2025 22:51

Even more reason to take the next baby step, as PP suggested. More time spent doing something you’re good at and are calm while doing so can only be a good thing for your overall self-confidence.

Show quote history

True, however commercial training is intense. It's much harder than what I currently do which is just fly around the local area. I still have plenty of self doubt related to flying at times (I still wonder why on earth I deserve licence, I worry about making silly mistakes) but once I'm up there I have to get on with it and brush it all aside. I'm often a bit relieved after landing but at the same time want to go back up!
It's weird.

Teaching is stressful. I can't imagine flying a very large and expensive jet potentially with passengers is any less stressful. Then again, it's a different kind of stress I'd perhaps cope better with.
General low self confidence and self doubt aside, teaching created stresses of its own breed. I was so frustrated with the challenges of the job and how it was impossible to keep everyone happy and not be made to feel like a complete failure as a result. That frustration created the stress and low mood.

OP posts:
Bikechic · 26/04/2025 23:04

I would give time to let the stress from teaching fade a bit. Get a job doing something not so stressful. Think about your options involving flying. Maybe getting the next level qualification without putting pressure on yourself to make a career of it.

Original poster
Sunflowerz22 · 26/04/2025 23:06

Bikechic · 26/04/2025 23:04

I would give time to let the stress from teaching fade a bit. Get a job doing something not so stressful. Think about your options involving flying. Maybe getting the next level qualification without putting pressure on yourself to make a career of it.

Thank you. The next couple of steps will benefit my hobby and not be a waste if I decide not to pursue it, so I think that's sound advice.

OP posts:
QuackADoodleDoooo · 26/04/2025 23:14

I was in your position 5 years ago (but with a heavy mortgage). What you are describing sounds like the trauma caused by teaching and leaving it. I felt like an utter failure and it took me a full year to start to recover. I urge you to allow yourself to take the time to heal. Despite choosing to leave I found myself going through a period of mourning for my lost teaching career. A PP said that we're left with no choice but to leave education and it's true because the whole system is broken.

I wanted to go into a different career and found a job locally after a year of recovering. It wasn't the best pay but I felt proud because I got myself onto that first stepping stone. Five years on it has lead to bigger and better things and I couldn't be happier in my career now. You will find your path too. Just take your time and allow yourself to heal.

Original poster
Sunflowerz22 · 26/04/2025 23:23

@QuackADoodleDoooo thank you. You make some good points. It's interesting that now I've left, it's a very weird feeling as the money has now gone and i feel a bit lost. For a while I felt so angry with the job I was happy to ditch it the next day if it was possible. Now I have this weird emptiness, that I now don't have a career at all. I can't quite describe it. I put a lot into teaching. Moreso before I had my daughter I'll admit, but still it took a lot out of me especially alongside parenting.
I have no idea how anyone does it full time.

I'm now left with this agonising guilt that I've been able to just throw away something that annoyed me whilst my husband slaved away at his job which he doesn't particularly enjoy either just to keep paying the bills.
I should have just put up with it really. My pride is hurt now that I've got nothing.
So yea, lots of feelings flying around.

OP posts:
Happyinarcon · 26/04/2025 23:29

Maybe go to therapy to find out if you’re prone to self sabotage. The fact that you’re already predicting that you will give up suggests that this is a pattern you have noticed in yourself.

BlueEyedBogWitch · 27/04/2025 07:20

Flying! That’s way cooler than anything I was expecting!