How do you calm down when you’re angry?

[Confusedsquirrel]

It’s occurred to me lately that I’m an angrier person in recent times. I’m not entirely sure why or what’s caused it, I’ve probably always been a bit ‘fiery’ and like a good debate etc, but I’d say it’s worse recently. I did have a baby 6 months ago so I guess lots of changes and hormones etc.

Anyway, I don’t like this angry side to me. I’m not violent but I do say things in the heat of the moment that seem to just come out. Just as an example… Today I was walking with my partner and baby in town, partner was pushing the pram. I had a coffee in my hand and an oblivious woman wasn’t looking ahead and shoved into me quite hard, enough force that coffee went flying and I fell into my partner. She was rude to be honest but I said something to her like ‘watch where you’re going you bloody idiot’ and she got a bit uppity back. As I say, she was rude but I should’ve just taken a moment and walked away.

I don’t get angry with my baby. Sometimes I get angry and say mean things to my partner in the heat of the moment. My partner is fantastic on the whole but of course nobody is perfect, so sometimes the comments are ‘justified’ I guess because something has happened that’s genuinely infuriating, but I say them in an angry/mean way which isn’t fair or nice.

Hopefully you get the picture. I’m not a horrid person but I do need to find a way to manage my temper better and find a way to cool down before my mouth opens. Can anyone relate? Any cooling off tips and advice?

It seems as though you can stop yourself because you don't get angry with your baby.

If you look for trouble you'll find it. If you start on people you risk them starting back and you don't want to get into altercations when you have a baby.

Just take a deep breath and count to ten.

Why are you walking around carrying coffee?

Anger is a completely normal, healthy and sometimes very useful human emotion. It helps us to enforce our boundaries, to let people know that their behaviour is out of order, that we are not people-pleasing doormats and that we won’t tolerate their crap. That may be an unfashionable view, but it’s the truth.

I’m like you, OP. I don’t suffer fools. I have a temper and a sharp tongue and this doesn’t always make me popular. Which is fine by me. I would rather be respected than taken for a mug. I would rather people were a bit wary around me than try to take advantage of me.

Obviously, nobody’s perfect, including me. People make mistakes and are sometimes thoughtless. I always try to stay calm & count to 10 when someone has pissed me off by accident. But I don’t take any crap from anyone and I wouldn’t be any other way.

Um...when places sell takeaway coffee then there are going to be people walking around with it....

Ok so partly I wonder if you’re being very defensive about your baby - because either the coffee or your partner falling over could have threatened the baby?

Are you getting enough food and sleep?

But if you’re getting mean with your partner it’s worth thinking about where that’s come from because it’s not a pattern you want to entrench. Did you grow up with an angry parent? I did so I sometimes feel entitled to be angry and have to really think it through to myself. Have you read a book called The Book You Wish Your Parents Had Read?

I think this is one of the oddest comments on a thread ever.

Yes, that’s what I thought too. I really don’t think it’s unusual to buy a takeaway coffee and go for a walk with it!

Thank you, that’s a helpful comment to hear from someone who is similar. I think it’s sometimes difficult getting the balance between not being taken for a mug/healthy anger and releasing that in a healthy way!