Has my DP's friend been tactless? Cancer

[Feelinglikeadiv]

I have had cancer treatment. Currently stable, fingers crossed. It isn't curable but hopefully it has got the hint for now at least. It has caused me a lot of issues re going back to work and also now I won't be able to have a family of my own. Bit shit plus it's recent.

My DP is wonderful but gives his support practically rather than emotionally, long story short. I accept that about him and we are getting a therapist to help us negotiate the changes in our relationship.

His friends (those I'm referring to, many of the others are great) are good people but not really my type of people. I find them rather materialistic and smug if I'm being blunt. Kind hearted but chuffed with themselves. There are examples of this but I don't want to go into outing detail.

I wanted a bit of a sense check on whether I am being oversensitive on something they have said. One of them in particular, Lou, has a child, Sally. Early primary age. She has mentioned to me directly that she is struggling with how to discuss death and help Sally conceptualise the idea of death and dying in an age and faith appropriate manner (it's a Christian denomination).

Lou has mentioned this topic, death and dying, and how to help Sally understand it, three times now to me specifically. I don't think she was opening it up to my partner or the whole group expcially. I am not religious. This has been most times we've met for a drink in small numbers recently.

Once as a slip up, I am fine with.

However, am I being unreasonable for thinking three times is being tactless following recent cancer treatment?

Lou knows about my cancer. I would not say we are close enough for her to ask about it in light of that.

My DP just responded to say not to join the drinks if it had upset me but that isn't the point. I don't want a discussion or anything, just to understand whether I'm being oversensitive or not.

Sorry, long, writing to process.

TLDR is it unreasonable to talk repeatedly about death and dying without urgent reason to someone who has recently been treated for cancer?

She may feel the need to explain to her DC about people dying but to keep mentioning it to you is out of order. I've had cancer and I know it makes people feel awkward, they don't know what to say, but carping on about dying is very insensitive. In your place I'd speak to her quite bluntly, ask her why she feels talking about death to you is OK when she knows you've been seriously ill

Yes, tactless but possibly she's not aware of it. Or alternatively she's gone all "don't mention the war!".

(Fawlty Towers reference for anyone too young.)

I am guessing she is rather self-obsessed and at best has put you in the "not dying anymore class but has had to face the idea and can educate me group of people she knows.

But no matter why she is being very rude

I can understand you may not want to make a big issue of it but also want it to stop.
I think if she went for a 4th go I would just smile and say put yourself in my shoes, hopefull she gets the message that you think she is being rude and stop.
If not say the exact thing every time.

If she does it again just ask her 'I can see you are worried about this but is there a reason you want advice from me specifically?'

Hopefully she'll start spluttering and realise she's phenomenally rude. Lets face it, children work out what death is as appropriate for their stage of development, you can't speed it up. And if you can't offend people when you have cancer, when can you?

I'd do this!

Ooh, I'd have gone with @AnnaMagnani's query as to whether she was specifically asking you, when she brought it up a second time. (I'm in the same, exceptionally brilliant, boat as you). I'm as subtle as a brick though & don't take kindly to folks who stare at my unruly post-chemo hair/pass comments about my health (or lack of) or anything else along those lines 🤷‍♀️.

I think it’s unintentional too. I’d say you don’t really have any advice on how to talk about death and dying to a young child and she should ask a mum with older children.

Agree with @AnSolas and would go with @AnnaMagnani ’s suggestion.

It is reminding me actually of a time when the parent of an Oxford friend (with whom I’d gone home in the vac) said her daughter needed to meet me because she was training to be a vicar and ‘would have to learn how to rub along with all types of people’. At the same dinner party my friend’s mother told me I’d ‘done well’ to negotiate the finger bowls..🙄

People can be idiots. Best wishes with continuing to give your cancer hostile hints, OP.

Thanks everyone, Im really glad I posted and think she definitely isn't mentioning the war 😂😂 I like @AnnaMagnani 's advice in case it comes up again.

Sending love to all those in that same position, I have the same unruly hair, radiotherapy so it's areas of wild and areas of flat. All plenty to be commented upon! People can be both phenomenal and genuine shockers!