6 yo tantrums/neurodiverse?

[StrugglingMummie]

DS is 6.5 and a happy and calm baby and toddler. Had nursery from 1 year on, went through the pandemic and never any concerns. Nursery year of school also fab. We moved and had another baby and life collapsed for him, and for us - tantrums, screaming, hitting, etc., A completely different child. Because of the meltdowns we also spoke with three different psychologists who said there were no signs of neurodiversity (ASD/ADHD) and they wouldn’t recommend assessing him, but to get him support for the move, new sibling, etc. Since we started him in therapy a few months ago, it feels like we’re seeing our happy chappy again.

And yet he can still sometimes really just lose it, not often, maybe once a week, once in a fortnight. For example, we were at a car boot sale and he saw a Nerf gun. He loves weapons (we go to the Tower of London, the Wallace Collection, etc. frequently) though I am not keen on even toy guns. However, DH let him buy it with his pocket money but there weren’t any ammunition. We popped into a pound shop to see if they had any and when they didn’t, he completely lost it, screaming and crying and yelling at me to ask someone if they had them somewhere. I said no, if we wanted to ask he could but he pushed and shoved me and said, “no mummy do it.” I said no, we wouldn’t push and shove and scream and it was time for us to go home. I bent to fix his sister’s pushchair and he hit me on the back with his fist - not punched with his knuckles but hit me with the base of his fist. I raised my voice and told him it is not acceptable to hit, he can be disappointed or feel angry but we never hit. He was screaming by and crying that he wanted to go back and ask someone about the ammunition and I said no, it’s time to go home. I turned back around to adjust the pushchair and he whacked me again on the back with the base of his fist. He screamed and cried the whole way home.

I told him there would be no more nerf gun until he could communicate better (no screaming and absolutely no hitting). He’s not big for his age but honestly the whacks hurt. When we got home I toldDH I needed a moment to myself and went for a wee, DS then came knocking and apologised for stomping my toes. I asked him what he meant and he said, “oh I mean for hitting you, I was angry I couldn’t get the nerf bullets.” i suppose there’s also just…something I can’t quite put my finger on that seems different with him than I see with DD. A sort of rigidity, maybe, that could be a very subtle sign of some neurodiversity?

this has become quite long but I’m still fuming from the hitting. Would you reckon this is normal for a 6.5 yo boy? It honestly doesn’t happen that often but when it does I just sort of shut down (there was violence in my home as a child between my parents) and I don’t know what to do. Is there reason to push for an ASD/ADHD assessment?

I think you need to be firmer in your disciplineand boundaries.. It's not nice just doesn't cut it if your child is hitting you.

Please don't immediately think your ds has sen. Its clear he feels pushed out after the baby and is reacting for attention. It's for you to manage his behaviour

3 psychologists have told you he isn't nd.

this New trend of morons blaming their poor parenting and claiming autism. He’s not autistic he’s just completely feral and needs some serious discipline and to be taught some respect.

I think expecting an already overwrought 6yo to ask themselves was asking too much of them.
I totally understand why you want to teach him to ask, but that wasn't the moment. He felt powerless to deal with the situation, and at that age, that does trigger a meltdown for a lot of children, not just those who are ND.

Your description of the episode is just you winding him further and further up.
I'd have asked for them, and when they said no, involved him in a discussion about how we could get some, and what did he think they would look like etc. Distraction works well.

You want to be defusing the situation before it starts rather than escalating as it happens.

Thank you @Hollyaddy I didn’t mean to jump to any conclusions, it’s been suggested given his meltdowns that there may be SEN. I know with some younger children it can be more difficult to assess, which is why we went to psychologist for support. I do agree we need better boundaries, it is hard because I see him asking for attention but what is the right way to respond if he asks for it in a negative way? Or if he hits me that is not acceptable so there will be a consequence (he cannot have the nerf gun for at least a week, perhaps longer.)

@MargaretThursday thank you, yes I do struggle with knowing when is a teachable moment and when is not. As I mentioned there was violence (and other problems) in my home as a child, I haven’t had the best role models. I felt it was important to tell him it’s not okay to hit, also because his sister is present. I had already told him I didn’t know if they’d have them and to be prepared for disappointment, that we could go to another shop tomorrow if we could t find them there. But you’re roght, diffusing is obviously better than de-escalating but I struggle with that, too. It’s hard for me to calibrate and know when is a good moment to give him more space or when is a moment to push him a bit. I should have known we were all tired and hungry and maybe shouldn’t have tried to get the ammunition anyway. But he just flipped and when he didn’t see them in the shelf just started pushing me and stamping his feet and crying. I felt I needed to draw a line then, but I reckon it was the opposite. I am relieved to hear that other children of this age will also meltdown, it seems most people say this stops by 4 or so, which is why I am thinking of ND?