DH, SD & Godmother

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SD lives with myself and DH. She has no contact at all with biological mother but she still has contact with Godmother. GM was friends with bio mum but now also has no contact with her. That's the background.
SD went to stay with GM over the Easter weekend. They did a bit of shopping, sightseeing, takeaway & film. Whilst watching the film they had a bottle of bucksfizz. In the morning GM had a hair appointment and SD was still lazing around so she left her for an hour or so in bed whilst she went (told SD she was going).
DH is furious. Both with the alcohol and leaving her alone. I'm really not in step with how strong he's feeling about this! He's talking about stopping her having any contact at all but I think he's massively over reacting and it's good for SD to have an adult in her life that's not in a parenting role.

He is being unreasonable, as a pp said that's a great relationship to have with her godmother

I wouldn’t be giving a 15 year old alcohol without checking with their parents, but it’s not illegal.

The being left in bed is a complete non-issue at that age.

I think it's definitely an over reaction on your husbands part. Can't he speak to the GM and explain why he's unhappy. Personally I wouldn't be bothered.

Your dh is nuts its fine....

GM sounds great btw

To anyone who is still following.....

The trip away for her birthday has been booked, but DH isn't happy again. GM has sent across details of what's she's booked, shows etc. She's booked them into a double room, DH is saying he's going to insist she change it to a family room or 'at least a twin' or SD isn't going. Bearing in mind GM is paying for all this.
Am I going mad? I don't see the issue of sharing a double room for a couple of nights

There must be some back story here that is causing your DH to be so concerned. Eg is SD’s mother an alcoholic and she and godmother used to party hard together, and this may lead SD down the same path? Would DH be so concerned if the exact same scenario had happened with eg DH’s sister or cousin or some adult family member on his side who he trusts?

Like PP, leaving alone for an hour is fine, and I’d just say to the godmother to not offer SD any alcohol of any kind.

She should have got permission before giving the child alcohol. That's not her call to make and on that point she was very unreasonable.

The rest is all petty.

This is a massive overreaction. Poor girl and poor godmother. The relationships is clearly important to your step daughter, and he needs to recognise that risking its collapse will massively affect his relationship with his daughter.

It's there anyone else that he might listen to?

There's no back story, GM was very supportive in him gaining custody and I've always thought they got on well. If anything DH is the one with the wild youth!
DH is understandably very protective of DD as she's had a tough time with BM.

How would he plan to stop his daughter having a relationship with her godmother?
Is he often angry and controlling?

He is massively overreacting. He needs to calm down or he'll struggle getting through the next couple of years with her. If this is the worst thats happened (that hes aware of!) then shes a very good girl. He shouldnt risk his relationship with his daughter by being so ridiculously over bearing

It sounds fine. Also fine for DH to ask that DD has NO alcohol.
You could suggest GM orders some flavoured mineral water for the room.

Actually this isn’t an understandable reaction now he is micromanaging and it needs to stop otherwise he will lose her

will he listen to you? As an aside twin rooms are far more difficult to book nowadays than before it is often two twin beds shoved
together

will he listen to you because he needs to

The GM sounds lovely and a very positive influence on your SD. Your DH should be going out of his way to facilitate this relationship, not hinder it.

Being left alone at 15 is completely normal, a small drink here and there at 15 is completely normal ... bucks fizz is incredibly weak. She wasn't giving her triple vodkas.

He’s being ridiculous. GM did nothing wrong. SD is more than old enough to stay home alone for a few hours. And introducing teens to alcohol in a safe environment is exactly how it should be done! It teaches responsible drinking which is what you want.

I’m amazed that a 15 year old hasn’t had a glass of fizz at family events/Christmas/New Year already. My teen has been offered a small glass of wine/fizz at home on holiday or with family since she became a teen. Most times she didn’t want it/finish it but she liked being included. IMHO Parents who ban alcohol are just shooting themself in the foot. Teens will only go and drink irresponsibly in secret if they’re not taught how to drink responsibly.

He's being a bit OTT about the room (what's he worried about?) but also, it is a bit odd that godmother didn't book a twin. When I was 15 there's no way I'd have shared a bed with anyone, even my much older sister who I was quite close to.

I travel with friends and sister and never had trouble with finding a twin. A lot of 'doubles' are twin beds pushed together anyway.

Can you suggest he just neutrally asks GM why what the reason is she's not booked a twin and see what she says?

Sounds like he’s worried his daughter will go down the wild path he did. If he carries on the way he is that’s exactly what could happen. Doesn’t he realise that banning anything is like red rag to a bull for a teenager?

SDs relationship with GM sounds great. Please
do everything you can to help keep this relationship going.

I wouldn’t be pleased about the alcohol but I would imagine a conversation with the Godmother would fix that.

Leaving a 15 alone to have a lie in is entirely normal.

I don’t understand what the problem with the double room is? Unless there is any other info he’d being quite weird.

I actually wouldn’t be happy with this. I think it’s a few tiny signs of a bigger problem with this godmother having poor judgment and boundaries.

She’s treating a 15 year old girl like she would a mate. Two women away for a girls weekend crashing out in a double bed together, fine. A girl and a woman she isn’t related to, no, I think SD needs her own bed.

I’d say that even if there hadn’t already been previous issues. I’d be very unhappy with an adult giving my 15 year old alcohol without checking with me first. I don’t know the circumstances of why her mum isn’t in her life, but that would be even more so if part of the reason is to do with substance abuse or mental health issues.

He reminds me of my very wonderful but out-of-touch Dad. He had several similar silly notions which my DM had to disabuse him of. As long as your DH is willing to be disabused or at least over-ruled all is fine.

I think leaving her is fine at that age, but she should have asked if your both ok with her drinking in my opinion x

Buck's fizz from a bottle is extremely weak and barely counts as alcohol. If your husband's bothered about it, then all he needs to do is say 'No alcohol for DD next time please, even if it's just a 2.5% glass of premixed buck's fizz'.

He is utterly nuts to be annoyed about leaving a 15-year-old chilling at home for an hour.

So I've spoken to GM - despite swearing I wouldn't get involved - it's a travelodge and she's going to upgrade to a family room. I've thanked her profusely and told DH this is the end of the matter. I'm now talking to SD about what she's planning to wear for the show so she feels she can get excited about it again.

I think the poster who said about it being more 'friends' is correct in DHs concerns. Understandable, GM doesnt have children of her own so maybe boundaries are more blurred. But also I don't think having a more 'friend' relationship with GM is necessarily a bad thing.

I'm now talking to SD about what she's planning to wear for the show so she feels she can get excited about it again.

He'd actually told his daughter that she couldn't go? I'd assumed that this was just something he'd discussed with you.

That poor girl. He needs to recognise that this kind of behaviour from him is going to ruin his relationship with her.
Well done to you for resolving it all.