Conflicted about ex friends death

[Flicitytricity]

I just need somewhere to 'say' this.
There is a big back story to this, but in brief terms, a group of friends turned their back on my (effectively) when I had breast cancer.
I cut ties with most of them, but one got in touch, about a year ago?? to say she had the same cancer and was looking for support.
I commiserated with her, but that was it. I did nothing more to help and support her, and she died last week.

I feel so guilty. I can't stop thinking about how I turned my back on her when she reached out to me.

I'm still deeply hurt by what happened to me, but what an awful thing I did in return 😔

Did you post about this person reaching out previously op?
For what it's worth you didn't owe her anything dont feel guilty

This must be really hard for you.

It might not be very palatable for a lot of people, but I spent so much of my life being a people pleaser to the detriment of my own wellbeing, I’m inclined to say that being diagnosed with cancer doesn’t negate someone’s past shitty behaviour.
I think it’s ok that you didn’t welcome her into your space and give her the grace she didn’t give you.
It’s also ok to still feel sad about her passing. But what you absolutely should not be doing is guilt tripping yourself.

Sorry you've had such a tough time. I see why you feel like you do. But also you can't change that now and this came after she'd had a reason for reaching out. She wasn't there when you asked for help. Maybe there's something else you can do to give back to other cancer sufferers? How are you doing now health wise?

God, you've got a good memory🤣

Yes, I've posted twice on this, once when I was shit on from a great height by 'close friends' , and once when she reached out to me for support.
I just keep thinking that could have been me, and I really don't know if our mutual friends supported her, or if she was ousted, as I effectively was.
I don't think the guilt will leave me, I just need to deal with it.

I'm OK thanks - but it's been a long road, and very bumpy along the way.
I have had 4 lots of cancer, along with surgeries, chemo and radiotherapy. My DH died mid treatment, so it hasn't been an easy road, but I have been lucky, and I'm still here🙂
I was so bitter about previous friends, but I feel so, so sorry for what she went through.

I think @Flicitytricity that all you can do is go on, and realise that you're the sort of person who, if this situation arises again, will feel more at peace if you offer some support. In the circumstances I'd suggest limited support; even if you'd offered more the friendship could never have been the same after the way she treated you. You were entitled to react the way you did.

Time will help, and being aware that no one who has any depth to them at all gets out of life without some regrets. You have a heart, and that's a good thing. As more friends (or ex-friends) experience illness, you'll know better how to keep the balance between helping and saying 'enough' that you feel happy with.

This reminds me of the message Mumsnet put up sometimes on posts, something like ‘you shouldn’t give more than you can afford either physically, mentally or financially’ or similar. You didn’t receive help from them so you didn’t have the reserves to spare when she wanted something from you. If you don’t have it, it’s not possible to give it away.

I feel so guilty. I can't stop thinking about how I turned my back on her when she reached out to me.

You didn’t turn your back on her. You acted appropriately given the level of your acquaintance with her. It must have been a shock to you to find that’s all you were to her, an acquaintance.

I hope you’re recovering well.

I'm really sorry to hear about your husband.

You’ve been through so much 💐 yet still stay so positive. Please don’t feel guilty, they turned their back on you at one of the most dark and stressful times of your life.
How did they do it? Did they stop getting in touch?

It sounds like an element of survivor's guilt OP. She didn't die feeling devastated about your reaction, chances are she didn't give it much thought or if she did I'm sure she felt guilty about how she treated you too. You did nothing wrong, you probably did what most people would do. You've enough to be dealing with without spending mental energy on this too. I'm sorry about all your troubles