How to get over my fear of men

[Barrakama]

A couple of things happened to me to make me afraid of men.

First of all, I was watching a documentary about Grace millane. She was an English girl and she met a guy on tinder in new Zealand. She was texting her friends, saying how nice he was.

She went back to his hotel , like so many of us could have done, and he turned out to be a brutal murderer. He killed her. That story stuck with me about how you never really know what a man is like until you're alone with him.

Secondly I'm irish and I was living in tullamore co offaly at the time, when a terrible murder happened of a local woman in our town.

She was just running down a canal in broad daylight and she was murdered. Ashling murphy. It made a lot of people feel unsafe.

I just feel like my fear and panic responses have been raised after that murder.

I've just arranged to go on a tinder date. He seems nice. But part of me is thinking "what if he's dangerous. What if he's a murderer"?

I expect the worst. That's not a normal reaction is it. I don't know how to get my panic down

How do you feel safe on tinder dates?

You meet in a public place. You have safe pre arranged transport there and back. You give his details and description to a trusted friend. You don't tell him where you live or your workplace.

Thanks so much. It's not really the first date I'm worried about.

It's after 3 or 4 dates I know the guy is going to ask to either come back to mine, or I go to his place. And you just can't really know what someone is like.

Is there a reliable man in your circle like a father, friend, brother, uncle that could meet him and scope him out? but in general I wouldn't advise online dating and you don't have to have sex with them after 4 dates. You could date for months. If he is serious he'll wait. I think casual sex is risky for women.

Try and meet people who are connected to other people. The thing about old style dating- and I know it’s hard/impossible now- when you met someone they came complete with references from the people who introduced you. No guarantee but significantly safer to date your cousin’s friend or your neighbour’s nephew.

What about meeting people through solo groups etc, where you get to know more people generally? It’s just a bit less anonymous than dating through apps.

I feel for you though, it’s tricky.

You are right to be scared. Never ignore your gut reactions to a man. They are your first chance to get away.
Online dating is a shit show with men mostly just wanting a shag. Many are run of the mill wasters and users. Some are abusive. A few are rapists and murderers.
I would say stick to friends of friends if you really want to meet a man. They may still be arseholes but probably less likely to be an actual murderer.

Unfortunately the fear of men is justified.

Some people can have a visceral gut reaction to certain men, it’s happened to me on a few occasions. Not dating but through work, it transpired they had been prosecuted for violence against women. I worked with plenty of dodgy guys, drug addicts and people really having a very hard time and plenty with MH issues. But just these very few gave a gut reaction.

What you do is meet up a few times before in public, and by then hopefully you will have a good indication. DS was doing online dating, he is a gentle giant. Two girls he met up with on different dates ended the nights by meeting up with their girlfriends to share ubers. Well it was obvious they wanted a second opinion and I just thought what sensible young women. He is exclusive with one now and it’s going well.

Well, surely you just say no, if you still don’t want to?

I agree that Ashling Murphy’s murder was utterly horrifying — apparently motiveless, violent, in daytime, on a popular walking route etc. But it’s not something you can protect yourself against precisely for that reason. You’d have to never leave your house again.

I've been on tinder dates before. And after about 3 -4 dates, they always ask me to come back to theirs.

And some of them, I would have liked to. But I just get so nervous.

You're so unsafe in someone else's house.

Take a break from the true crime stuff for a start.

Then you just say no. If they can’t handle that, then they’re really not the ones you want to pursue a relationship with.

@JustTalkToThem, you’re right about the first murder the OP references, but Ashling Murphy was murdered in the small town where the OP was living at the time. It’s hardly ‘true crime’ to register the shock of the very violent fatal stabbing of a 23-year old primary teacher going for a walk at 2.30 in the afternoon in a local popular walking spot along the canal, in your immediate area.

If you're scared of men (and I don't blame you), then why do you want to meet/date them?

I've got a fear of heights, therefore you'd never catch me climbing to the top of a tower or doing a parachute jump.

You don't need men in your life if you fear dating them and don't let anyone tell you otherwise.

I like dating and I like men.

I know one man being a murderer doesn't mean that all men are murderers.

It's just so hard to know which are the good men.

I think maybe I might stop online dating, where the men are total strangers. And try to maybe meet men through groups. Still a risk but maybe slightly less risky.

A lot of men are really lovely.

If it's online though just follow the necessary precautions, public space, inform people, don't rush into it

I think the key thing here is for you to control the situation then. I didn’t meet my ex online but in person thorough a social group yet even so, I still arranged our next few dates in town in busy places for a two months or so until I felt comfortable with him. Thereafter, just make sure someone knows if you’re intending to him at yours or vice versa. Thereafter you’ve done as much as you can. Tbh everything is a risk and sometimes you can be dating a lovely guy but he has a crazy ex who could be a threat. The only alternative is just to not date!

I met my DH on Tinder.

We’d talked via the app and then text/FaceTime for a while before actually meeting in person because our schedules clashes at lot at first.
When we did first meet, we met in a public place, I’d told my best friend his name, sent her a picture of him, told her where we were going and roughly what time I expected to be home. I also sent her my live location via WhatsApp for the entire date. She called me once she saw my location ping back at my house to make sure I was indeed home and safe.

I had zero bad vibes about DH after we’d be chatting for so long, but you just can’t be too careful 🤷🏻‍♀️

I get you, op. It’s a visceral thing.

I felt like this going back into the dating pool after a 20 year relationship.

I am now happily in a brilliant relationship with a safe and loving guy.

Things that helped me to get over the fear were:

. daytime only dates in the beginning, coffee, dog walking etc

. might sound weird, but sexting before doing anything physical - talking through what we liked and didn’t like in bed. We both set boundaries before even approaching the bedroom which left very little room for any kind of grey area.

i told him outright that strangling, slapping, anal etc would not be happening and his reaction - that those things weren’t his thing - was genuine.

. Sounds ridiculous but (we both have kids and very little privacy so was necessary on our part) kissing, touching etc in the back of the car after a walk. Being able to see that he could control himself and wasn’t forceful etc.

. Talking it through ahead of time about first having sex and when that might be, agreeing that we didn’t have to go through with it if it didn’t feel right.

honestly, I thought I’d never allow myself to be in a vulnerable position with a man again (I was raped by a man I thought was a good friend when I was in my 20s) but gradually I let it happen and it’s the best thing I’ve ever done.

Of course you dont know what someone is like after 3 or 4 dates. You dont know any man you pass by in the street- do you worry they will suddenly lunge at you? A tradesman in your house- do you worry they will murder you? I dont think you should be dating until you have had therapy about your fear of men.

I'm not especially nervous about men but would NEVER go on Tinder. Make an effort to meet men in the usual ways such as via friends or hobbies and interests.