I love my DH/BABY/DP very much etc

ARainyNightInSoho · 2025-04-24T18:37:41+00:00

A good friend of mine with an alcoholic and abusive DH has just told me that her DH says he loves her very much. As if it changes things somehow. As if she might have to find a way to excuse his behaviour because of magical LURVE. I have also just read that Constance Marten says that she loves her children very much, including the baby which was found dead in a bag and her other children who were taken away by social services. erm, yes why wouldn't she love them? Babies and children are lovable, especially your own. I don't understand AT ALL how anybody views love as a defence against appalling behaviour. I am certain that these awful people do indeed love their partners/children very much. It is easy to love lovable people. But why do we somehow think that loving someone automatically means we behave well towards them? There is plentiful evidence since the beginning of time that you can love someone sincerely and wholeheartedly and yet have no idea how to treat them well. Please, please do not be 'grateful' for expressions of love. Not because they are not sincere (I am sure they are) but because loving someone does NOT mean you know how to treat them properly.

Bigearringsbigsmile · 24/04/2025 23:39

Love is a verb. Loving someone means wanting the very best for them and treating them well. I don't think you CAN love someone and treat them like shit.

OoooopsUpsideYourHead · 24/04/2025 23:43

Agreed OP.

I've always said that love is like a fart or a sneeze, it's not something you can help as it just happens naturally.

Therefore no-one should be grateful to be loved by someone who treats them like shit.

Equally I do wish women would stop saying their shit husbands are good dads, just because they love their kids.

Original poster

ARainyNightInSoho · 25/04/2025 15:13

Bigearringsbigsmile · 24/04/2025 23:39

Love is a verb. Loving someone means wanting the very best for them and treating them well. I don't think you CAN love someone and treat them like shit.

I really do disagree. I can think of lots of people who genuinely love someone but treat them badly. Most people do feel love at some point in their lives, but it does not transform them.

Constance Marten is a good example. I believe her when she says she loves her children. But, her love for them did not stop her harming them. I think it's really important for people to understand this. I can think of so many women who are gaslit by this idea. They think if their partner loves them then he can't harm them.

OP posts:

Dontlletmedownbruce · 25/04/2025 15:25

Love is subjective. For some it's nothing to do with wanting the best for the other person or even wanting them to feel loved, it's only about the person feels themselves. Like a person who is over protective and jealous and says 'I don't want you spending time with your friends because I love you so much'. For them that's what love is, the need to possess tied in with a crippling fear of rejection. For the partner who stays, they are so afraid of not being loved that they will take whatever version is offered even if it makes them deeply uncomfortable or afraid. Thats what they believe love is.

I think it takes two to have a toxic or coercive relationship, the majority of people would cut it off day 1, it takes a certain personality to put up with it at the start and let the power grow. I know people change and behaviour gets worse but I don't believe there weren't little signs early on. An outsider can often tell if a person is likely to end up in a bad relationship in the same way you can see if a child is likely to get bullied in school.

mathanxiety · 25/04/2025 17:37

ARainyNightInSoho · 25/04/2025 15:13

I really do disagree. I can think of lots of people who genuinely love someone but treat them badly. Most people do feel love at some point in their lives, but it does not transform them.

Constance Marten is a good example. I believe her when she says she loves her children. But, her love for them did not stop her harming them. I think it's really important for people to understand this. I can think of so many women who are gaslit by this idea. They think if their partner loves them then he can't harm them.

Show quote history

I don't think CM ever loved anyone but herself.

She may have had some sort of sentimental feelings toward her children, much as someone might feel attached to a doll or a teddy in their childhood.

But to really love a baby or a child you have to accept them in their entirety, not some image you have of them in your head or a projection of your own devising onto them of who they are. Following on from there, you have to meet their needs and pour a lot of yourself out into them.

She loved an image she had of them in her head. She did not take into account their reality, which she was likely never truly conscious of. This is narcissism.

Bigearringsbigsmile · 25/04/2025 22:53

Dontlletmedownbruce · 25/04/2025 15:25

Love is subjective. For some it's nothing to do with wanting the best for the other person or even wanting them to feel loved, it's only about the person feels themselves. Like a person who is over protective and jealous and says 'I don't want you spending time with your friends because I love you so much'. For them that's what love is, the need to possess tied in with a crippling fear of rejection. For the partner who stays, they are so afraid of not being loved that they will take whatever version is offered even if it makes them deeply uncomfortable or afraid. Thats what they believe love is.

I think it takes two to have a toxic or coercive relationship, the majority of people would cut it off day 1, it takes a certain personality to put up with it at the start and let the power grow. I know people change and behaviour gets worse but I don't believe there weren't little signs early on. An outsider can often tell if a person is likely to end up in a bad relationship in the same way you can see if a child is likely to get bullied in school.

None of that is actually love

mycatismyworld · 08/05/2025 22:58

https://www.bbc.com/news/articles/clyzg94xrv4o Food for thought. Who really knows ,there may be some truth in her allegations. To have four children taken from you when you in theory, wealthy enough to hire nannies, live comfortable lifestyle.

A court sketch of Mr Gordon questioning Ms Marten in the dock

Constance Marten cross-examined by partner Mark Gordon over baby death

Marten criticised her "biological family" during extraordinary cross-examination by her partner and co-accused.

https://www.bbc.com/news/articles/clyzg94xrv4o

hardtocare · 08/05/2025 23:03

OP, you’ve clearly got very good thresholds and tolerance levels which have given you great resilience and we all aspire to our kids being like you so, serious kudos, but ku everyone has your self assurance, whether that’s through parenting, life experiences etc. some people might love their kids but not have your resilience in how they slow it. Breathe and revisit later x