Not having a father support chat

[Kellybonita]

My parents split up when I was 3 and as soon as my dad met a new woman , he didn't want to know me.

He wasn't in my life at all as a child. When i was an adult, i wrote him letters and he didnt answer. I went to see him once as an adult. I went and turned up at his door.Which was a stupid thing to do. As I should have known what would happen.

But I was full of young naivety, that he would be happy to see me. I was in my 20s at the time . He was cold when I saw him and he wrote me a letter after saying that he didn't want to see me again. Which damaged me further.

Obviously it's horrible. And he's an asshole.

I feel like dad's not being around is quite common.

But it's a big trauma . And I feel like it might be good to have a support chat.

I feel like it's affected my whole life. I've had less self esteem because of it. I've had a lot of bitterness and anger. I didn't have that male paternal support though out my life.

I started a new job recently and all three of my female colleagues have lovely kind dads. I know because the four of us talk alot. Their dads give them lifts, and bring them to different places. They've also told me how much their dads have done for them their whole lives. I haven't mentioned my dad . As it's a sad topic, I feel people don't want to hear, and I also feel ashamed. Even though it wasn't my fault. The shame is : even my own dad didn't want Me.

Just talking to these three colleagues, I feel the unfairness of it all . Why not me? Why couldn't I have had a dad like that. The unfairness bitterness and anger is eating me up.
I can't change how my life is.. I'm wondering how other people who dad's abandoned them, have dealt with it?

I've had therapy my whole life before anyone kindly suggests that. It hasn't really helped me

My "dad" walked out on my mum and my brother when she was pregnant with me. I can honestly say, I've never felt sad or envious of my friends who had their dads in their lives.

I never even saw a pic of him until a few years ago, after I Googled his name and discovered he went on to raise another family.

I think part of the reason you feel the way you do, is because you contacted him and got rejected. I'm so sorry you had to deal with that.

Thanks @skippy67 how do you not feel sad and envious? I want to try and get my mind like that.

So you don't think "it's unfair they have a dad and extra support in life, and I dont".

What do you think? Do you think Maybe something like "all families are different and I don't need a dad?"

Is that what you think? I want to try to get my mind to see it in a more positive way.

I just don't. My mum was fantastic, I never felt that I was missing out on anything. She always stressed to me how important it was to be independent and not to rely on other people. She was super supportive of me in everything I did.

As an adult, I realise now, how difficult it must've been for her, a single mother with two kids.

Families come in so many different combinations. I never felt less than any of my friends. My mum did a fabulous job.

Okay.

I didn't have a good mother either. My mother was very abusive to me.

So maybe that led to me wanting a father more than you did.

When i was a child, I used to daydream that there was one parent out there somewhere that cared about me. My dad.

Then I found out the harsh reality. That he didn't care about me at all either.

None here either, and I don't care at all. I have a lovely mum. I don't think you need more than one good parent, though obviously it's a nice perk if you do!
Sorry to say, but my self-esteem is absolutely grand and I enjoy my life thoroughly and don't ever think about my dad. If someone mentions their dad it never occurs to me to think about mine. He opted out so I give him no headspace. If asked directly how I feel about him I suppose I would say I pity him.

I don't mean to make you feel bad that you feel differently, as any feelings are valid. But more to show you that it isn't inevitable to feel like you do, and maybe you can change it if you want to.
I would guess that the way to resolve it is to work on your self esteem. If you see yourself as a wholly valuable person you will understand that it has nothing to do with you that your dad left; it's only a reflection on him.
There are loads of resources for ways to improve your self-esteem generally, and have also been loads of threads about it on here too.

The unfairness aspect and the 'why not me' that you mention in your post, well I mean you can substitute anything in there. Most people feel like that about something in their life. Their eating disorder, their infertility, their difficulties with academic things, their social struggles, their long-term health condition, and so on. You just have to accept that life is not fair.

My DD's Dad is not part of her life and while she says she is fine I know she is not really, and I suspect it eats away at her. I try and love her and support her. I have a new husband who is a parental figure of sorts. I fear her ever feeling as you describe.

When people have a parental figure who is so obviously lacking, be it through hitting them, some other kind of abuse, it is hard to get past as society conditions us to expect certain things from parental figures, even though most of us fall to some degree short of that. Abandonment is the ultimate abuse in many ways.

I suspect you may start to find in life more people than you imagine have or have had very substandard parents. My father's mother ritually whipped him. His father was distant and cold - he was to all intents and purposes abandoned to a boarding school and told he was too stupid to make much of himself. My own DH - who's parents were very present - has a very strange relationship with his mother as she was very protective but in that way where only she could hit him - think volatile, unpredictable. The fact his father didn't stop her is something he now struggles with.

It could be worth reframing a parent as someone who looks after you as a parent should, to try and create psychological distance, and this man as essentially the sperm donor

Rather than being consumed by the unfairness of it all in a way that cannot lead to closure, can you try and give back in a way that gives you purpose and sustenance, whether it's to animals, kids in a club, as a teacher, to your own children. Make up for the love you lacked by being the most loving and giving person you can in return.

You have a mum and a brother - you don't mention them and the status of your relationship there. Is all well there?!

Thanks for your post.

You wrote "I don't think you need more than one good parent".

But what if somebody doesn't even have one good parent?

My mother was in my life but she was very abusive to me.

So I didn't have any good parent at all

All of this!

Ah cross posted with your update that your mother was no good either. That was vital information OP! Obviously that will make a HUGE difference having no decent parents.
My advice is the same though; work on your self-esteem and focus on the future.

It's sad to me reading back that I didn't even think to mention that my mum was abusive in my opening post. Because it was so normal to me.

All I've ever known is abusive adults.

When it becomes the way of life, you don't even think to mention that someone is abusive aswell. You start to think "well that's how life is". If someone was loving and caring to me that would have been a surprise. Abuse was the norm

So yes to clarify. I didn't have a dad. I didn't have any grandparents. No uncles and aunts on my dad's side. My mum raised me but she was extremely abusive. The uncles and aunts on my mums side were just like her. They didn't care about me.

So I didn't have one person that cared about me.

In one way, I'm proud of myself from getting this far in life. All by myself.

I had absolutely no one

I can really identify with what you've written, OP.
My father didn't want me and my Mum was very abusive.
Had LOADS of therapy over the years, but I still don't think I've healed from it.
I really don't like men, nor do I trust them. I know it's really irrational and I have challenged my thinking over the years, but it's deeply ingrained.
I've actually found it easier since I left my husband 7 years ago to not date, to have no male friends and to avoid men at all costs.
I think it's quite sad I'm like this, really.

Aw Silvia. Thanks for sharing that. I send you a hug. I definitely think if you had no one that cared about you as a child, that it gives you very low self esteem doesn't it.

Especially parents . They are meant to love us. It's a deep trauma. That's why I think it's important to talk to other people who've been through the same thing.

It's hard because our sense of self can be very tied to our parents. So when they reject us, we think "who am I as a person"

I had/have no contact with my dad. I think he was there for the first few months only.

And now, 5 decades later, I’m single and on and off apps, looking for a father figure 🤦‍♀️. Any sign of not being an absolutely focussed and interested father and I’m out. That’s the number one thing I’m looking for.

I do think not having any good parent has a deep long lasting effect on your life.

I was reading a book about marilyn monroe. Her mother was mentally ill and very abusive to marilyn.

Marilyn's father was absent. She went to see him as an adult and he rejected her.

It affected marilyn for her whole life, she developed deep depression and mental health issues. People who saw marilyn monroe the year before she died, said that she was a "total mess". And then she died young from an overdose.

It's very sad.