What the deal with playdates

[FlyingForest]

Can I ask what the deal is with play dates? Do you ask your (young) children who they want to have over or do you decide based on who you get on with in the playground?

My son seems to have developed a friendship group at school (according to both him and his teachers) but he’s not really been invited to any play dates by these children (except by 1). He tells me that the other children in the group regularly have playdates and sleepovers. Ive invited two of these children to ours and we see one of them from time to time and the other has never invited us back. It’s made me a bit wary about inviting the others but I probably will just have to get on with it. This is particularly because i sense that the parents of my child’s friends are much more stand offish than the other parents in the playground (whose children my son isn’t friends with otherwise I would be keen to extend an invite to them!)

I’m trying to figure out whether it’s a “me” problem ie I need to make more effort with these parents that I just can’t seem to gel with or whether it may be that my son just isn’t that liked by these “friends”? It would
be helpful to know how this works!

I did a bit of both. I invited kids he wanted to play with but I also invited kids whose parents I was friendly with.

How old is he? My children had playdates with the same couple of friends who I know the parents well so easy to arrange.

People don’t invite back for a variety of reasons, some have a parent WFH, others are embarrassed about size/ messiness of house, some are anxious about looking after other people’s kids. In an ideal world that wouldn’t matter but understand why it worries people.

@NerrSnerr He’s six. The other kids all have each other over so no issue with hosting at home.

Are the other parents friends? Does your son have any issues with his behaviour or
does he and his friends have regular disagreements?

I think usually it’s about parents who know each other so it’s just easier to arrange (just a quick text instead of trying to track a parent down on the school run).

At six I'd ask them who (if anyone) they wanted over. If I didn't feel super comfortable with the other parent I would suggest a meet-up somewhere rather than a playdate at the house. I'd also invite other kids over if I liked the parents and wanted to hang out with them (as long as my child didn't actively dislike their child).

I think it changes with the age, initially it was based on the parents I was friendly with but now as my DC is making their own friends it's who they want to have a playdate with. It can be a but awkward when you don't know the other person, but it's a good way to meet the parents and who knows you might make a new friend too

I prefer to meet at a park at first as invariably one of the kids feels a bit off that day, someone hurt themselves or they're suddenly not friends anymore! I typically prefer to meet with parents who share values and parenting approach. We hosted a party last year and that was fun I underestimated my son's good choice in other kids. If you get on well with the other parent then it makes it a fun experience for you too :) I have shied away from parents I admire but who I can't keep up with convo-wise, a bit like the cool kids at school full of sports talk, day trips to London and exotic holidays...I'm a little embarrassed to say this if I'm honest.

No issues with behaviour. My son is complimented by almost everyone on his behaviour and people often say how lovely he is. I have another child who isn’t complimented anywhere near as much and has fallings out with friends from time to time but has regular play dates with their friendship group. In the other son’s case it’s just much easier because the mums are very friendly and open and we have clicked nicely. That’s what makes me wonder if it’s a “me” issue because I just can’t seem to click with the others. On the other hand my son has mentioned 2-3 times that his friends have made fun off him so maybe the friendship isnt as strong as the others and that’s why he isn’t being invited?

@Dwells That’s me too. I find my son’s friends parents a little intimidating as well as aloof so that might be why I find it hard to click with them. My other sons friends just seem less hierarchical and friendly so it’s been much easier there

It’s a minefield OP!

I think it is best to encourage genuine friendships instigated by the children. I also massively prefer them without the parents present (so I’ll collect and bring a friend of my son’s here then their parent collects at a given time, similarly he will be collected and play/have dinner at theirs, then I collect later).

So I have experienced the following:

• 1 boy is genuinely friends with my son (Year 1) and I get on with his Mum, chat to her 3x a day on our school runs. This is the dream! However, she is uncomfortable hosting anyone for reasons I understand. I like her and her son so much (as do both my children) that I am happy to have him here to play and for dinner, she loves that I don’t expect her to come 😂 she will help me with my son’s school run if my DD is ill.
• 1 boy & my son initiated playdates mutually, as a bonus I’ve got to know his parents, who are wonderful, so we do also socialise as families as well as hosting either boy alone. Really easy whatever we do.
• The above then happened with another boy.
• I have experienced 2 parents trying to really push play dates where my son was a bit baffled, as he doesn’t really happen to play with them. These don’t tend to go as well in my view.
• I have several others I get on well with and chat to on the school run, but we mutually wouldn’t initiate 1:1 playdates just because our children don’t happen to play together. We do all get together at bigger meet ups in the school holidays, which are open to everyone on the Watsapp group or birthday parties.
• I don’t mind or expect my children to be friends with the exact same children who’s parents I speak to, but some do seem to stick to their own friends and are less keen to branch out with other parents.

Overall, best bet is to ask your child ‘who do you play with at school?’ and go from there 😊

Ooh also, trust your child’s judgment. My son has a friend he’s been keen on since they were 3 (now 6). I was initially a bit hesitant about having him over due to his behaviour at a few birthday parties. However, I went for it to make an effort for my son. I planned in time at the park, in our garden, etc to keep them busy. Well, what a lovely boy he was with our whole family! He was such a huge surprise (pleased I was wrong), and is now a regular visitor to our home. Welcome anytime! 😊

I would keep inviting the friends he's chosen but also steer him towards some of the other children of more friendly parents by inviting them to a playdate. He might find that even though he hasn't played with them before they have a lot in common.

DD is 5 and her best friend at school is the friend who she went to nursery with because I struck up a friendship with her Mum and started doing playdates when they were 2-ish.