Getting counselling for DV relationship - still feel like I love/miss him but I do not want him back

[cheekycee]

I’m having a hard time at the minute figuring out my feelings. I feel as though I miss and love my ex who abused me really badly but when I loved him I loved him dearly. It’s annoying. I am struggling here with my feelings and what to think and feel. Rollercoaster of emotions. I’m stating therapy in 2 weeks so hopefully that will help me.

That sounds very normal so be kind and patient with yourself. If he was always awful in all ways it would have been easy to turn off emotionally. Its rarely that simple though, so lots of people love those that abuse them, and many (but not all) abusers have their moments of being loving back. Your feelings can't just be turned off because your head has taken charge of the situation and ended things. Therapy sounds like a fantastic idea because this is a fixable situation and hopefully that will help you get there and make sense of things along the way.

Was there any dynamic of abuse/control growing up in your home life? That can sometimes mean that an abusive set-up is easy to fall into as an adult as it is so comfortable and familiar to accept abuse and love as a package deal that it doesnt occur to you to walk away.

So very true it’s a tough one isn’t it - the after work is unbelievable! There was… I’d say both parents were quite abusive to one another (not physically just more put downs etc) and quite mean to us and especially me in my teenage years although I was not easy at all! Also I saw my mother physically assaulting my brother when he was 15/16 often and saying she was going to put him into care and had us all crying etc things were different back then weren’t they