Feeling behind and a bit dissapointed

[itsallabitmuchx]

You've guessed it - I'm feeling sorry for myself.

I am 29yr old female (30 a week today). Spend the last 3 years completing a doctorate surviving on 1K a month (bloody hard work).

I have no savings. None. I am starting from scratch and despite being 'Dr' I am starting to realize that I am so behind, financially.

Recently my last grandparent died. My Mum has inherited 90K. She is toxic, lazy, always hated me. She has told me 'you wont be getting a penny' - she enjoys this.

I don't own anything. I pay rent (800 per month), pay for car monthly and only able to save 200 a month from this point onwards, due to paying of CC's etc.

I've never had a penny from my parents, for anything. I had to buy my own clothes from the age of 12 (meaning I had hardly anything).

I feel really fucking disappointed, depressed and 'what was the point?!'. I worked so hard to better my life, and I am no better off.

All of my peers have inherited, gifted £ for deposits etc. All of my grandparents have passed and I didn't get a penny.

Parents made it clear they are against giving any money for anything as I am an 'adult' and thus, not their responsibility (obvs not) and thus I need to struggle like they did when they were young (they have enough money to spare).

My parents make abso no effort whatsoever (very idle, passive people). No texts, phonecalls, nothing. They live 30 mins away.

I needed a rant.

Oh OP, what awful parents you have. They should be so proud of you. Well done on all you have achieved so far in life in spite of them. Your life will only get better from here now you are qualified. Everything you have will be down to your own hard work and that is a greater achievement than inheriting or being gifted money.
i have never inherited anything and im over 50, I don’t know many people who have to be honest as I don’t move in those circles.
Be kind to yourself and be your own cheerleader.

That's very sad to read...no wonder you feel like that.

Well when they need help in their old age, all I can say is don't lift a finger for them.

Congratulations on your achievements by the way

how much debt are you in? Are you better off paying off the debt quicker and putting off savings for a few extra months, or is it a large amount?

Speak to your bank re. debts and look at all your available options re. council housing, help to buy schemes etc.

You are well educated and you are not living under your parent’s roof, that is a big deal and you should be proud of that. I’m sorry things are so difficult at the moment.

I'm so sorry you don't have the support of your parents, that's tough.
If it is any consolation, I was roughly in your position age 30 after a break up, no savings, thankfully no debt, but renting and living month to month. No financial support from parents (they could not afford it). I did manage to save enough for a deposit on a flat (appreciate property costs were less back in the day), worked hard professionally - (which hopefully you can do) and managed to buy a small flat within a couple of years by living very frugally.
I met DH late and married at 38, that has obviously helped financially as we are a 2 income household but now at 60+ I feel financially secure although occupational pension is not huge due to part time working, I am grateful to have one!
So, there is hope - I'm not sure you are as 'behind' as you think you are and it's very sad you have no parental help or support. Things are tougher but if you have battled through a PhD you can battle through this!

Many of us never received a penny from our parents - there was none to give. Everything we have we earned the money for and we went through some very tough times. It really is no use looking at what other people have been given. Did it make them happy?
You should be proud of yourself for what you have achieved in life - you are an independent woman with good qualifications and presumably on the brink of an interesting career.

That’s really crap of your mother op. I’m older than you by almost 10 years with 4 children and my parents and inlaws have never given us a penny or even a second of help, my in-laws actually cause problems and my parents can’t be bothered with me or my kids and never have been despite being all philosophical now older 😂 It is what it is.
It’s obviously shit but we just have to crack on , what else can we do 🤷‍♀️
Expect nothing and just get on with it yourself, I find it hard when I see how much support others get particularly emotional support but comparison is the thief of joy blah blah…

Hello op.

strangely, Mel Robins did a podcast about exactly this issue (it’s the biggest podcast in the world but I’d never heard of it till a few weeks ago). It’s about this feeling of being “behind” and she calls it the Social Clock. It’s a really interesting listen.

https://podcasts.apple.com/gb/podcast/the-mel-robbins-podcast/id1646101002?i=1000703212291

if they link doesn’t work, google the Mel Robbins Podcast. It’s a few episodes back. It’s called “If You’re Feeling Behind In Life, Listen to This”

I hope it helps you. Your parents sound disappointing. You sound the opposite.

And happy birthday for next week.

Well, it’s made many of my friends happy as they are under way less financial pressure and strain and therefore less stress 🤷‍♀️ But I agree there’s no point comparing and it absolutely does make people stronger and more resilient in some way to be self reliant and you have to be resourceful and independent.

I’d have thought it would be pretty normal to be financially behind after a long period investing in your skills - in 5 years you will be soaring salary wise won’t you?

do you only compare on things that make you feel bad/compare ‘upwards’ that’s a bad habit that will always make you feel bad. Time to make some plans that make you happy?

Your parents have let you down terribly. I think there is a difference between having nothing to give, and choosing not to give (in terms of time, effort, and money). You are right to feel disappointed in their lack of care and support.

You are now ready to lunch yourself though, and in the knowledge that you have done this all on your own, so you really can do ANYTHING! Good luck.

Honestly the vast vast majority of people don’t get anything from their grandparents. Most of my peers from the estate I grew up on won’t get a penny from their parents either. That’s the way it is for most people. Look at what you do have - an excellent education, first class brain, great work ethic and the freedom now to start a brilliant career. Being envious about what Fate has given other people is completely pointless.

There's a big difference between there not being anything to give and being unwilling to give though

Not really no. You don’t have anything either way. Best to get on with it.

But it's understandable if a parent has nothing to give and not a reflection of their character....if they have it but just choose not to help you, that's indicative of a mean spirit.

Your parents have clearly spent years making you feel worthless. Your doctorate is a massive achievement, so don't you go telling yourself you're not worth anything.

You are rich in education Op and that's priceless. Stuff your parents, as someone else said, loads of people get no financial help and sometimes financial help is more of a curse than a blessing. I lived from pay check to pay check for years and didn't get a mortgage til my 40s - it's absolutely not too late for you to begin to save.

You are allowed to rant for sure but unfortunately there’s a lot of parents like this. Although I put myself through uni and achieved multiple promotions, I’m my the black sheep because I didn’t marry and have kids even though my other siblings are far more problematic. It stung real bad especially as friends parents would say ‘your parents must be so proud’ and I just have to bite my tongue. As your career takes off trust me, all this will fade into the background and your wealth will of course start growing especially as it sounds like you’re poised for a great career ♥️

Money is very important. To hell with people who say 'money does not make happy' and such nonsense. Of course it does not but it is absolutely essential in living a fulfilled and stimulating life. OP could not even afford private therapy for example to deal with the shitshow that are her family. Being somewhat financially okay is SO important.

You might be behind on the money side of things OP but with your story I bet you are a lot wiser than most. Change jobs every 2-3 years to increase your pay and try to work in industry, not academia.

I had 10k deposit for an apartment at 32 and nothing else. It's a lot compared with what you have but it took me years to save and I lived in crappy flatshares. My salary has since almost tripled in about 10 years. I'm probably somewhat bright, but I work a normal job (not a profession). You could probably have a much more decent salary in just 5 years time.

Do you actually need a car? Get rid if you are in London.

Oh no I'm so sorry. How is this so common. I did all that too (as the only one in my family) but never became a full family member due to scapegoat status and remaining single.

Yes it is rather sad there are seemingly so many of us. You’re very right about also being made scapegoats, my brother has schizophrenia and refuses to take his meds, but somehow my mom would tell relatives that I caused it because I refuse to engage with him! It just boggles the mind. I ended up leaving home earlier than I’d have liked and it has set me back on my finances somewhat. However, life is short and at least I am financially secure, have my own (mortgaged) home and am dependant on no one ♥️

Having a doctorate is a huge achievement. Do you not have good earning capacity now? 29 is so young. Most people don’t have help from their parents.

Congratulations on your PhD OP, that's an amazing achievement.

I'm sorry your parents are the way they are.

You will have a harder time of it than people who have been helped by their parents, but at least at the end of the day you'll be able to say that everything you achieved was down to your own hard work, and yours alone.

I think the issue is you are possibly mixing in wealthy circles, not unusual for very well educated people. Most people don't inherit until they are much older and their parents die and you probably will too eventually.

You made the decision to stay in higher education and there are consequences, you need to accept that and own that choice.

I think 30 can be a funny crossroads age. I remember I had recently left a job and a career i was really unsuited to, and started all over on a graduate programme. I was married and wanted a family and made the difficult decision to prioritise family. On my 30th birthday I was pregnant and knew any chance of furthering my career was gone, it was the kind of place where you needed to work the long hours to progress. I really questioned my choices for a while and went through a period of regret. Many friends peaked career wise before having families and managed to successfully do both. If I had my time over I'd do the same thing but that doesn't mean I don't get a pang of envy every now and again. Honestly you are probably one of the people who would give me that pang! A Dr at 30, it's so admirable. The only way us up for you.

The saddest part is your relationship with your family, that must be very hard to take.