Are these requests reasonable? Child contact.

[Arethesereasonablerequests]

Ex hasn't seen the kids for a year. I stopped contact due to some very serious concerns (things like smoking, a constantly overflowing cat litter tray, him not getting up until 11am when the kids get up at 6 and not allowing them to make their own breakfast, leaving them alone in the house with it locked for 20 minutes with 2 dc under 7, them drinking out of mouldy water bottles, some emotional abuse).

Mr wonderful hasn't bothered at all, but has recently got a new girlfriend, and then a solicitor letter appears, accusing me of withholding contact for no reason at all out of malice.

Now I have witnesses, photos and evidence of everything, and there's plenty I could say that I don't have evidence of.

I have said that contact can be resumed if he fixes all of these things, plus provides my dc with a bed each (he puts them in a single together) and an adequate place to sleep (with curtains or a blind) and that we communicate through a parenting app and he stops communicating contact through our dc (ie telling them to tell me he's taking them on holiday next week and not telling me or asking my plans).

I said I am happy if SS or someone goes to check his house is adequate.

He has said he will take it to court then because he isnt agreeing to that.

Will the court send someone to check his house isn't a health hazard (interestingly the kids sickness has went from around 80% last year to 98% this year)

I'm not really sure how it all works, I just want my dc to be safe. I don't want to have to send them to a smokey mouldy house, eith cat shit everywhere.

He sounds like a twat and I think you’re being reasonable on most points, but I don’t think you can insist on the smoking (and I hate smoking) - assuming we’re talking tobacco rather than anything else.

I think you need to pick your battles, and decide what your concerns are. The problem is that lots of the things you list are not major safeguarding concerns.

1. people are allowed to smoke in their own home: people are allowed to smoke in their own home with children. You might not like it. I wouldn’t like it. But it doesn’t mean it’s not allowed.

2. litter tray isn’t great but again, it’s not serious neglect.

3. 2 small children sharing a bed isn’t a problem. Curtains are not compulsory.

leaving them alone IS a problem and that’s the bit to focus on, but you’ve clouded the issue by bringing in so many issues that really aren’t a problem that the ones that are a problem get lost.

Yes it's tobacco, but one dc had a very serious lung condition requiring an operation a few years ago, and is now asthmatic, so it's bloody infuriating that he smokes around them.

You're right though, it probably can't be enforced by the courts 😭

I’d argue that with your DC’s medical history, by smoking in the house he is actively putting that child in danger.
The cat litter thing is also dangerous. Toxoplasmosis can make a child very poorly and is often contracted from contact with cat shit 🤢
He sounds like a selfish bastard to be honest. Any half decent parent would put their DC’s health first and clearly he isn’t doing that

The courts won't take any of that seriously except, possibly, leaving them alone in the house for 20 minutes. But that's one of the things you can't prove, right?

If he does take it to court he will get contact. The bar for denying it is extremely high.

You're right, it's hard to differentiate between what are legally enforacble issues and just not great parenting .

The cat litter concern is also due to dcs lung condition. The cat litter is so filthy that the cat shuts all around the house too.

My dc are now just about 10 and 8, they don't want to share a bed anymore, the older one wants privacy. And the curtain issue is because it affects their sleep, they come home knackered.

I just don't get why he does things detrimental to their health and then blames me for mentioning it.

They disclosed it at school, and they contacted me. He told them not to tell me. So I can prove it to a certain extent with the disclosure.

I really don't want to deny contact, I just want my kids to be safe there.

Until the issues were resolved I offered daytime contact, ex declined.

Not ideal but eye masks or stick on blackout blinds work.

I offered to buy curtains or blinds and he refused.

My child most affected by the lack of sleep wouldn't wear an eye mask unfortunately.

I haven't been an arsehole, I've offered to pay for things, I provided my dc slippers as there's no carpet and he basically threw them back at me, I offered to do their washing when he didn't have a washing machine. I have tried, he's just a bell end who refuses to accept any help, or do anything himself.

It's interesting that he's not bothered until this new girlfriend has come on the scene and now he's trying to be all parental and wanting to see his children. You might find that his hygiene has improved too?!
I think you need to get a parenting app, offer a teatime and a weekend day each week, or whatever used to be the pattern, but not overnight yet until he has a bed for each of them.
How is he communicating via the children? Do they have phones or something? That might be tricky to stop if it's established custom and practice.
If he chooses to go to court, you need to show that you've been reasonable in providing family time and making the children available. If he chooses not to take you up on it, that's his lookout, but keep a record in the parenting app of when the children have been available as per agreement and he's not appeared / wasn't in when you tried to deliver them.

The pattern was overnight on a Saturday every second week. I offered him a teatime during the week and he declined.

I really hope his home has improved, I know he still doesn't have any of the basics like beds etc because he is very vocal that I'm screwing him over for all of his money (not paid maintenence in months currently) and he can't afford it. There's every chance the hygiene has improved though, I don't know.

He has, so far, declined a parenting app. The older dc has a phone, it was mainly to keep in touch with me when they are at their dads, because of the disclosure of being left alone. He also has the number (hasn't contacted dc in a year either) each time he has passed on a message through dc I've messaged him, and he has said he has cleared it with dc, and I have had to decline quite a few holiday weeks at his because its last minute and they have sports camps (he won't take them).

I offered when I first said overnights to be stopped at his that he could come see them during the day and take them out, he refused. I haven't offered anything else this last year because he's never asked and I refused to chase him.

I feel like I've been fairly reasonable and tried, but he says I haven't so I'm trying to get an idea of what I'm doing that's reasonable vs not.

I would repeat the offer of a day every other weekend for now, with a view to resuming overnights once the bed issue is sorted. He could get cheap bunkbeds from a second hand shop and cheap mattresses, you know all this already of course!
Let him have the expense of putting in a court application. If he decides to, that is. My hunch is that the girlfriend is behind his renewed zeal (and he's got her convinced that you are Very Unreasonable Crazee Ex, of course). If she doesn't last, I don't know that he will still be keen ...
Are you in contact with any single parent charities? Somewhere like Gingerbread might be a helpful place to find kindred spirits who have had similar journeys.

I understand but a court won't force any of it.

I would seek legal advice