Why so some abusive people not remember what they did

[Kellybonita]

My mother was very emotionally abusive to me and my brother when we were children.

She was angry all the time. She would insult us, shout at us, and call us both fat. She especially called my brother fat all the time. She was more abusive to my brother than to me but she was bad to me too.
She would isolate us. She had us living out in a house in a remote country location. You couldnt walk or cycle anywhere from it as everywhere was too far away. And then she wouldn't bring us out to much places. So practically all summer we would be sitting out there in that house doing nothing. She would once a week bring us to our aunts. But I remember 6 of 7 days of the week sitting in that house. We were far away from any other children. It was too far to even cycle to a shop. It was so boring and isolating. Add to that her being angry and screaming at us all the time. We felt totally trapped out there

My brother confronted her about this recently. I know because my mum rang me and said "your brother was horrible to me. I thought I would have a better kinder son" and she told me what he said. He said that she was a terrible mother and that she had been abusive.

I then said to her "well you were horrible to him when he was child. Why would he be nice to you now. You get back what you give out".

She said she hadn't been abusive. I reminded her of several things that she said. She said "I neve said that". She doesn't remember anything.

I suppose the person that does the abusing is not going to remember it as clearly as the person being abused. It didn't cause her pain so she doesn't remember it clearly.

Most often abusive people are just replicating what they know. She probably grew up in a similar dynamic and she probably subconsciously believes all families are like that.

A lot of older people, especially, only understand extreme behaviours as abusive e.g sexual and violent abuse. This is partly because of how quickly things have changed for children in the UK. E.g. my Grandad lived in a workhouse. It is only relatively recently that children have had rights in society.

Your brother’s comments may spark something in her to see things a different way. But it’s more likely that she won’t be able recognise it. It’s good that you and your brother can support and validate each other at least.

Lack of emotional intelligence and refusing to take any accountability to protect their fragile self image. These people will deny, act offended and minimise at every turn.

I am sorry you went through this and don’t get the validation you needed.

They're in denial, I'm surprised she didn't use DARVO and try to pin it all on you. People don't willingly admit to being abusive unless they've done a lot of reflection.

She's not going to change and it's unlikely she'll admit it and apologise. All you can do is accept who she is and lower your expectations.

NAPAC have a good helpline and Toxic Parents by Susan Forward might be useful.

I don't know the answer to that. I doubt they genuinely 'forget', I reckon they just don't think they have done any wrong. I don't know. Although my father did hit his children I couldn't say he was abusive. I grew up in the 60's when it was ok to hit a child. I did later have it out with my mum because of her habit of telling him something when he got home even though we may have played up in the morning but then were good as gold in the afternoon. She would come up later to say it served us right!

When I mentioned how he kicked us upstairs (so our heads hit the stairs) she denied it. Well, you hid out the way until it was all over! We were not bad kids and it did make me angry but I still say it was 'normal' for the time.

Abusers won't admit to having been abusive, because if they did, they would have to look at it again themselves, and (God forbid) maybe realise that they were in the wrong, and that would never do.

Exactly this. She hasn't forgotten at all - she simply doesn't want to acknowledge it or deal with it.

We don't remember every moment of our lives, just the big moments where emotions were high (good or bad). If it wasn't like this we'd have thousands of identical memories of brushing our teeth clogging up space.

You remember the abuse because it was a big deal to you, it caused bad feelings and was a major event in your life. For an abusive person, that insult that stuck in your head for years, was just a random boring tuesday to them and got "deleted" as not noteworthy.

It doesn't mean she isn't accountable for what she did, or should be forgiven.

I imagine it's denial. They know they were in the wrong but can't admit it to themselves and eventually they actually believe their own version of events.
Also lack of emotional maturity and the ability to not just recognise their behaviour but to apologise for it. They'd rather double down and insist they are right and you're wrong, even if that causes more problems.

Denial.

Won't see themselves in case they're forced to accept their harms.

Pride.

So mired in their own misery and perceived misfortune that they can't accept anyone else's unhappiness lest it diminish theirs.

So many reasons.

I believe they know but deny it when confronted.

Yep - abusers cannot possibly be in the wrong... because that would mean admitting what they've done. And narcissists, of course, are fundamentally incapable of seeing anyone's point of view apart from their own anyway.

I suppose no one likes to see themselves as abusive. Aswell as the abuse has more of an impact on the abused person, than on the abuser.

It's why you often hear of people who were bullied at school. The bullied person will say that it has affected them for their whole life.

Then a lot of them describe bumping into the bully as adults, and the bully is really friendly. Because the bully doesn't remember it at all

Oh they dont forget, they just hope you will. I remember every cruel word, every physical blow and I've given up on them apologising. They never will because they will never admit to the horror that I was subjected to.

My mum is same.
the things she’s done I’ll never forget as they were genuinely hurtful.

she called me a bitch when I tried to leave my abusive husband, ( she was aware of the abuse) because he went round to her house and turned on the waterworks … so I had no support and ended up another 3 years in an abusive relationship.

She used to like coming with me to networking meeting for my business after my dad died and told colleagues how I hadn’t lost my baby weight and I was a lazy woman for not bouncing back to normal 6 months after.

she left my dad on his deathbed making me drive her home as she was too stressed to be there.

I adored my Dad and by the time I rushed back he’d gone.

she said I was selfish for having my own cancer scare 3 weeks after my Dad died …. Even though I deliberately didn’t tell her until I’d got the all clear… but I was selfish nevertheless…

but none of these or other things she’s done are ever remembered or indeed ever actually happened according to her.

I have a horrible resentment against a woman in her 80’s who happens to be my mum and the nana to my boys …

it’s very difficult to let go however.

My Mum was dealing with horrific physical and mental abuse from my Dad.
I say my, I mean our as I have an older brother.
She'd bang our heads together for arguing and make us stand in different corners facing the wall.

She was only early 20s.

I've said my piece to her over the years, but it got turned into her crying about what Dad did to her (they split when I was 4). She then moved us in with an emotionally abusive man who was our stepdad until I was 25.

My version on growing up, always very much differed from hers. She claims not to remember an awful amount of things.
I've struggled with relationships, had 2 children. After the 2nd child and that relationship of several years broke down, I remained single. I wanted stability for my children and that meant raising them as a single parent. They're grown now. I'm still single, I don't think that will change.

Mum and I are very close, me 50s now, her 70s. There has always been friction though. I had a major healthscare not so long back and for the first time she admitted that she wished she had done things differently.

None of us are perfect parents though. We do our best. Sometimes it's not good enough. We can never see ourselves through our children's eyes. We can never know their life and thoughts as much as we think we'd like to.

I've been called a shit mum by my kids. We've argued. Teenage years were incredibly difficult and I didn't have the answers.
My son who caused me (and according to him, I him) the most angst is so close to me now. There's nothing we can't talk about or address. He's late 20s, so it's been a while!
I just hold my hands up. There were so many things I wish I could go back and change. I swore I wouldn't be like my Mum. And I wasn't. But I wasn't perfect. Far from. I will never deny them their memories though.

Because they are abusive - they double down on the abuse by denying it.
I hope there is a special place in hell for every last one of them.

My Mum apologising to me meant the world. Not to get back at her, or to make her feel bad, it just meant that I felt heard for the first time in 50 odd years.
She was never cruel or nasty - that was left to the stepdad so she was abusive by proxy.

I hope that those posting can find some solace from somewhere as it is painful to read without having any answers.

Our lives are mainly shaped by our upbringings. It shouldn't have taken 50 years to be heard.

That didn't happen.
And if it did, it wasn't that bad.
And if it was, that's not a big deal.
And if it is, that's not my fault.
And if it was, I didn't mean it.
And if I did, you deserved it.

Sorry, couldn’t edit to add the source https://www.thelifedoctor.org/the-narcissist-s-prayer

The thing is, she assessed what your brother said to her as nasty/unkind etc. So she knows how it feels. She’s in denial about her abuse. Perhaps it’s a coping mechanism, so she can live with herself.