Dog saga AIBU + BF loves his fam more??

[HardyGreenMentor]

Hi there. I have a 2-part drama going on and would love some reality check from MNers please. I’ll try to keep it as short as possible 😅

Been with my BF for 4y. He lived with his mum, dad and bro. Moved in with me 2y into relationship, decided to have a baby 3y into relationship. DS now 9m/o. BF was loving, caring and supportive up until the birth of DS. Family very lively, friendly, took me in and treated as their own.
1- Dog Saga - BF’s parents adopted a rescue dog from Spain (a Podenco) who was returned by 2 other families before them. Dog is nervous, jumps up on ppl and sofas, doesn’t follow orders well, sticks his nose in privates to say “hello” and is territorial over MIL (wedging his body between MIL and another person, poking with his nose). MIL says the dog is her baby and gives him treats whenever he gives her puppy eyes. He makes noise o/s her bedroom door at 5am and she gets up for him every morning. When I was PG, he was told not to jump on my belly, but still managed to land his paws on me a few times. Between adults and older children he’s just an annoying nuisance but when DS was born, it was no longer funny.
You couldn’t get through the front door with the newborn without paws flying in the air. Dog then acted very nervously every time DS was brought around - staring still, lip-licking, following DS around as DS was passed around for cuddles. Sometimes the dog was leaning against MIL and tracking DS’s every movement. Just couldn’t relax, no playfulness, no lying (vulnerable) on his side, no tail wagging etc. Sometimes I felt sick in my gut watching it all.
I kept telling BF tht it’s not right and PIL should control their dog. BF said I’m being hormonal, it’s not so bad, we shouldn’t mention anything to parents bc it will hurt their feelings and it’s rude to dictate demands in their house. After one occasion, while DS was held next to MIL, dog managed to jump/lunge behind her and put his snout into DS’s face! I complained to MIL and they started calling dog away from door when we visited and told him off more for jumping. They said the dog’s just curious, no baring teeth-no problem.
I rang up the Dogs Trust behaviour helpline and they explained tht the dog sees DS as a threat, hence the staring & following, and lip-licking is a sign of discomfort. They said DS shouldn’t be in the same room as the dog (either crate or baby gate) and tht it’s not fair to keep bringing DS around to aggravate dog in his own home.
Told BF about the conversation I had and he dismissed it saying I must’ve exaggerated and made it sound worse than it is. Said he can protect his son from any danger. Wanted to use DS to train the dog not to be scared of him!
We’ve been around a couple of places where ppl have dogs and none of them are as obsessed with DS as MIL’s dog, they barely acknowledge DS, have a sniff and move on with their doggy business, you even forget they’re there.
After a couple more months of fights with BF one day the dog wasn’t walked and was even less controllable. Having watched the dog flap and jump around MIL when she held DS, I’d seen enough. Next day I texted PIL and said that it’s not working and asked if they would consider putting dog away. FIL said no, dog’s not that bad and they don’t want to cage him every time and that they’ll visit us instead.
They barely have. Instead, they’ve met us for lunches out or at my BF nanny’s who is quite happy with the increased number of visitors.
BF not happy. One time arguing he said he’ll take DS there without me (like I’m the problem)! Keeps giving me passive-aggressive comments here and there how we can no longer just pop in, we have no babysitters or that I’ve split his family up. Says that it isn’t long term solution. We haven’t been around for months now but are still arguing every time he brings it up.
AIBU keeping DS from the dog and going against the whole family?

2- fam first? In the first weeks after birth we had visitors max 3 at a time, I didn’t mind ppl having a cuddle, close fam anyway. When DS was 3w old MIL had a b/day lunch at a pub with 15 ppl attending, mostly fam, some friends. BF put pressure tht we go bc it would be a good opportunity for everyone to meet DS. He said “let everyone have a cuddle and don’t make a thing out of it”. I regret to this day sitting there eating my lunch while DS was passed around like a parcel by 10 or so ppl and carried outside for fresh air when he started crying and I couldn’t see him and didn’t know who had him. I missed my baby and really wanted him back but didn’t want to cause a scene. I spoke to BF abt my feelings but he said I was being possessive over DS.
BF has been hellbent on taking DS around his parents’ every Sunday despite my worries abt the dog. On one occasion he asked me to breastfeed DS in the car without a seatbelt on DS so that we wouldn’t be late to visit fam. On another occasion I wanted to feed DS but BF said he’s not crying yet bc, again, DS was being passed around by his fam for cuddles. Later I saw that DS was a bit fed up and wanted to cuddle and calm him after 2h of being passed around, but BF said ”but my fam is here and, you know, you have DS all the time. So and so hasn’t had their turn to cuddle yet”.
Is it me or does BF love his birth fam more?

Of course you are right to protect your DS from the dog.
Do your b/f and his family not listen to the news and hear the all too frequent stories about babies and young children being attacked by dogs?
They must be exceptionally ignorant of dog behaviour if they cannot see the warning signs in their own dog, which your call to the Dogs Trust had confirmed.
If your b/f is stupid enough to want to risk his own son's life by taking him to his family home where this dog is then he isn't a fit parent.

And yes it is very concerning that your wishes regarding your own child seem to take second place in his eyes to his families claims on your child.
He seems a very immature man who sees himself as his parents son first and his responsibilities as father and partner second..

Have you asked them to cafe the dog when visiting?

Yes, I did and they do it themselves when they leave the house because they don’t trust him not to chew stuff up etc. However, they said “no”. BF is against the caging as well. Dogs Trust said if you cage dog you need to show the dog some love while he’s there so tht it’s not like a punishment but a safe space for him. I thought PIL just don’t know how to/don’t want to train him properly but BF said it’s a pride thing - PIL don’t like being told what to do in their own home.. 😕

My take on this is tht they love and treat their dogs as humans. They like him roaming free.
Sometimes it felt like we were visiting the dog not them. The dog would meet us at the door (jumping), see us into the living room (jumping on sofa and trying to get to DS) and then continue harassing throughout the visit.
You would shoo him off but he came back a few mins later, shoo him off - he comes back, like a sad comedy. But it was acceptable behaviour in everyone’s eyes - he’s just curious after all.
One time BF was playing video games and left his headset on by mistake and on the other end was his bro listening. We had a full blown fight and I referred to the dog situation as a “clown show”. The bro told all of the family of course. Needless to say, it’s been a bit tense since then..

On one occasion he asked me to breastfeed DS in the car without a seatbelt on DS so that we wouldn’t be late to visit fam

And what did you say and do?

I refused, I breastfed DS at home and we were late to meet the fam. In our arguments he says that I always get my way, that I’ve pushed him in the corner and “want his balls”, as a dad he doesn’t have much say. Every time I’ve had to fight very hard to get “my way” and what I think is common sense.

I think most dog owners love their dogs and many treat them as one of the family. And although I'm not a dog owner it breaks my heart to hear of dogs kept in cages and/ or not exercised.
But it is never safe to assume a dog will be safe around young babies and children.
And you are talking here about a dog known to have behavioural issues - a rescue dog already returned by 2 families. Which is not trained and is nervous and excitable.
It actually beggars belief that the babies own grandparents and family are prepared to put your child's life at risk.
No one wants them to be cruel to the dog for heavens sake but your child should be kept apart from this dog.

hes ghastly and it won’t get better. Well done you for standing firm

id start making longer term plans for being on your own

I know what you’re saying, I see red flags for the future, but the BF & fam just don’t see it that way.
I am happy with the new arrangement, i.e.- meeting at nanny’s or for lunch out but BF keeps throwing his passive-aggressive comments. He even said that he could have just taken DS around PIL’s so many times and I should be grateful tht he hasn’t. He’s doing it for me. He says the comments are his way of “processing it” and he should be entitled to expressing his opinion.

Thank you, it’s bloody hard and exhausting. Cried myself to sleep so many times thinking if the dog’s gonna attack next time we go around or if BF gonna flip and just take DS without me, as tht keeps getting mentioned.
I was thinking couple’s therapy. I still love him and before DS we were perfect match. I don’t want to break up. I don’t trust his judgment if we do separate and he starts taking DS out without me around.
I do, however, keep such a possibility in my mind tht we might go separate ways if all else fails. 😢