Reclusive Mum. What to do? Calling all the Other Reclusives

[MumsARecluse]

My Mum is 83 and has become a recluse. She was always extremely unsocial.

She does not leave the house. Is in failing health on several fronts which she will not engage with at all, inevitably they are all much worse than they would be if she had engaged from the start.

She doesn’t mind visits from children or grandchildren but that is it. She didn’t attend her sisters funeral.

She is still there mentally, but finishes less of the crossword.
She will not engage in any discussion at all about the situation, or what she thinks might happen in the future.

I know there are plenty of very unsociable/reclusive people on MN. So what is going to happen? It is extremely frustrating, and her not giving a shit is very upsetting.

How does she care for herself? Does she go to the shops for groceries? Is she able to keep her house and herself clean and in a decent condition?

if that stops would she allow a carer or nurse come and help her?

if she is able to feed/ clothe herself and lives in a home of decent standard, then she can choose to be as anti social as she wishes, even if that means she is more unwell than she needs to be.

Me or my sister shop for her.

No she can’t keep either herself or the house clean to a good standard. We have to clean up, against her will. She feels that washing up when she has said not to is bullying her.

She can clothe and feed herself.

She would never allow a medical professional access to the house.

That sounds really hard. Could you write her a letter to help improve communication? Explain your current concerns, and wish to make a plan for the future.

If nothing works and she is unwilling/ unable to change or talk and make a plan for future change, there will come a point when she will be legally deemed incapacitated. At that point things will start happening against her wishes.
could you speak to her GP on her behalf? Start steps to become her LPA?

is there anyone friend/ relative/ solicitor that she would talk to? Sometimes the parent/ child dynamic is difficult.
I hope you get help soon

She’s 83.. she’s not going to change much now.

This type of personality is often created by trauma.
She sounds like she might also be a bit depressed.
At 83 she might also have just had enough of life, it sadly happens with some older people.
As long as the family see her I’m not sure there is much else you can do. If you push her to do things she doesn’t want to do it will make her feel overwhelmed with her personality type, so I wouldn’t do that. I think as long as she sees family I would let her be.